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Original poster

DH doesn't want to ttc

7 replies

earthworm · 18/03/2010 09:10

I am so pleased to have found this site, and hope that someone can help me to reach a decision or slap some sense into me.

I am 38 and DH is 39, we already have two DCs aged 8 and 11.

In recent months I have become overwhelmed with wanting another baby. DH was understandably surprised as we had previously decided to stop at two - he feels that we are too old, and that there would be too large an age gap between the children (not trying to offend anyone, I don't agree but that is how he feels). He says that he was just starting to look forward to a new phase in his life and things are much easier now that DC are more independent.

I feel as if this could be our last chance, and of course no guarantees that it would happen at all, and don't want to make a mistake that we will regret. I don't feel like him about the future - I feel sad that there will never be a baby in the house again.

The thing is that I think that he could be persuaded. He has agreed to me coming off the pill for example. Part of me thinks that it is just the same nerves that he felt before we ttc our other two, and that it will all work out in the end, and a (larger) part thinks that he has got a point and I need to stop being selfish, concentrate on the children we do have and move on.

Would love somebody's unbiased opinion, even if it's not what I want to hear, as can't discuss this with anyone in RL.

OP posts:
Kathyjelly · 18/03/2010 12:38

I know my dp would think about the finances, being tied to very few holidays, very little travel, sleepless nights, constant need for babysitters, all that sort of stuff.

Don't any of those things worry you? I've only got one and I worry about how I'll provide the things he needs.

Do you have other things in your life? Is it that as your older two are less dependant, you have more free time?

expatinscotland · 18/03/2010 12:40

Have you seen a counsellor together? Would he consider going?

Original poster
earthworm · 18/03/2010 15:54

Kathyjelly, that is exactly the sort of thing he is worrying about yes - it's just that none of those things seem that important to me. I think that the problem is that we both want such different things, and I am the one who has moved the goalposts. Your suggestion about counselling is interesting expatinscotland, but I don't think that he is the sort of person who would go for it.

OP posts:
Kathyjelly · 19/03/2010 07:47

Well, this whole recession thing has everyone worried about their jobs even if there's no reason to. Perhaps that's on his mind.

Why not persuade him that you'll talk about it again in a year's time when things have picked up and jobs are a bit more secure. It keeps the possibility on the table and also shows that you're being sensitive to his concerns. And it gives him time to get over the surprise.

bigmuther65 · 19/03/2010 11:05

I actully was in a very familiar situation to you a few years ago our two DS,s were 15&13 and i found my biological clock ticking again.My DH was really looking forward to the future with out dependant children,but i started to feel redundant as a mother,and hated that feeling.He did come around in the end and really started to look forward to being a father again.Unfortully for us it has brought a lot of heartache as i have had 3 MC,S and we lost our son at nearly 16wks pregnant a few weeks ago,but this has just made me more convinced about wanting another DC,but my DH is now starting to have his doubts again.

Totallyfloaty35 · 19/03/2010 11:20

Earthworm i could have written your post 4 yrs ago.My dds were same age as yours,i was 35 and Dh 42.He did not want anymore DC was looking forward to doing other things,worried about cost etc...BUT he was not bothered about being careful,i was not on the pill and he didnt use anything half the time so i think he was secretly hoping any decision was taken out of his hands.
DD3 came along and she is just wonderful,DH adores her.He says having a third was the best thing we ever did and now we are ttc number 4.
If you think about it,its hardly ever a good time to have a baby and if we all waited til it was then no babies would ever be conceived.
Bigmuther, sorry to hear about what you are going through, i hope it all turns out ok for you,your poor Dh is probably wavering after seeing you in emotional pain.Goodluck and a very unmumsnet hug

Original poster
earthworm · 19/03/2010 14:53

Thank you so much for your comments, I really appreciate them and they are really helping me to reach a decision.

It is so lovely to hear about it all working out for other people Totallyfloaty35 and your story sounds familiar - I think OH would quite like a 'happy accident' that didn't involve any decision making but hates the idea of actively trying iyswim?

Bigmuther65 I am so sorry to hear your story and hope that everything works out OK for you.

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