Big fight over how much booze!

[AnnieDelores]

Help I've just had a massive fight with my other half over drinking.

We have been undergoing fertility analysis. It turns out I'm fine and ovulating normally but he has very low normal sperm forms (just 3%) an "ok" sperm count and "ok" motility.

We've been TTC since July. He used to be a heavy drinker but has now cut down to a beer plus half a bottle of wine 2 or 3 nights per week. I really didn't want to be too harsh on him.

My big problem is....and the reason for the fight.....he is going to a gig tomorrow night and the boys will be drinking from 7pm till nidnight. This will probably consist of at least 8 pints each. I've told him I don't think he should go unless he has the guts to tell them he can't drink that much because it will mess up his sperm quality....but you know what men are like.

What do you suggest I do? I'm really stressed out that he will go out and drink 6 or 7 pints because he's out with his old drinking buddies.....and his drinking history isn't good. He says he'll "just have a few beers" and that I need to trust him to do that because he really wants a baby too.

Any advice?

Annie

Sounds like a difficult one. If I were being sensible, and I know it is difficult when you are desperate for a certain outcome, I would calmly let him know how you feel, once, and let him go without an argument in the hope that he will respect your wishes enough to keep his promise not to drink.

'I'd prefer if you didn't go or didn't drink if you do go because I am desperate for a baby, as are you, and I think drinking is getting in the way of that.' Then leave it to him.

A relationship goes both ways. If telling him how you really feel does not change his mind, I wouldn't bother trying to force it; you'll end up with a massive row and stress which is probably equally bad for conceiving.

If he were my husband, I would get a really good book on how to combat the issue, then I would ask him to do everything the book suggested to the letter, for at least 6-12 months. If he didn't want to, I would seriously consider that he might not be as desperate to conceive as me.

I suspect a one of binge is not as damaging as the 2/3 nights a week drinking he is already doing.

Will one night of heavy drinking make a difference? I'm genuinely asking because I don't know. If it will then perhaps you could do a deal with him - he gets his one night and in return you get him cutting out all drinking for your next cycle (ie leading up to next ovulation). That way, you can't be accused of trying to spoil his fun on his big night out but he also has to make a concession and do something in return that shows he's serious about getting pregnant.

Good idea about the book and the compromise. I did my research last night and printed out the facts for him. Apparently one night of bingeing could affect sperm quality for 3 months...the time it takes sper to mature. There is no evidence to suggest moderate drinking of 3 or 4 units , two or three nights a week does any harm but there is evidence that one off binge drinking and heavy regular drinking of more than 6 units a night does seriously affect sperm quality and the body's ability to manufacture healthy sperm which is my partner's particular problem..... especially as it is already low.

He has just gone out the door , in my car, and has made his own decision to drive and not drink. So it seems he got round to making his own decision in the end after some gentle pressure from me.

Thanks for the advice, I just feel sorry for him now and wish it wasn't so tough on him.

Annie

"There is no evidence to suggest moderate drinking of 3 or 4 units , two or three nights a week does any harm "

1 beer and 1/2 bottle of wine is NOT 3-4 units.

What is a unit of alcohol?
One unit of alcohol is 10ml (1cl) by volume, or 8g by weight, of pure alcohol. For example:

One unit of alcohol is about equal to:
Half a pint of ordinary strength beer, lager, or cider (3-4% alcohol by volume), or
A small pub measure (25ml) of spirits (40% alcohol by volume), or
A standard pub measure (50ml) of fortified wine such as sherry or port (20% alcohol by volume).
There are one and a half units of alcohol in:
A small glass (125ml) of ordinary strength wine (12% alcohol by volume), or
A standard pub measure (35ml) of spirits (40% alcohol by volume).
But remember, many wines and beers are stronger than the more traditional 'ordinary' strengths. A more accurate way of calculating units is as follows. The percentage alcohol by volume (% abv) of a drink equals the number of units in one litre of that drink. For example:

Strong beer at 6% abv has six units in one litre. If you drink half a litre (500ml) - just under a pint - then you have had three units.
Wine at 14% abv has 14 units in one litre. If you drink a quarter of a litre (250ml) - two small glasses - then you have had three and a half units.

Ok. He's going to freak at this but I will print out the facts and show him.

If we go out for dinner, or stay in for dinner on a Friday and sat, he'll want a beer to start with (bottle or pint) and then share a bottle of wine with me. In the past he'd be out binge drinking with his mates in the Propery sector and downing several pints and at least a bottle of wine....real binge drinking every weekend or all week on a skiing trip! In his mind he has cut back drastically, and he has.....so how can I nudge him just a little bit further ? He'll be miserable if he can't have a drink but I'll have to provide him the info and let him make his own decisions.

What do you think?

Sorry to say this but if he is miserable without a drink then he has a drinking problem.

I think I knew that already...... but it's linked to the social side of life mainly...and he likes nice wine. I think he is like most normal guys who want a drink at the weekend....he can go Sunday to Thursday and not touch a drop so he's pretty good. I'm just going to have to work towards a compromise until we get pregnant. How do you tell a guy who has a drink at the weekends that he has a "drinking problem"?!

After I had a miscarriage we sat down with my Gynae and had a chat about the whys a wherefores of miscarriage. We got chatting about trying again and one of the questions he asked was if my husband regularly went on 'benders' (his words, not mine). Hubby admitted to occasionally letting his hair down . Gynae then explained to us that 'a one night bender' can wipe out sperm that will take 3 months to replace! Gulp!

Don't compromise. If he wants a child with you then both stopping drinking until you get that BFP is not a chore.

You are not responsible for him you know.

I would also consider putting ttc on hold with this man.

"I've told him I don't think he should go unless he has the guts to tell them he can't drink that much because it will mess up his sperm quality....but you know what men are like. "

PMSL

you actually wanted him to tell his friends that he couldn't drink because of his sperm quality?!

"I'm just going to have to work towards a compromise until we get pregnant."

I suspect that if he goes back to drinking that much when you have small children it will take its toll on his ability to parent and on your relationship as you get increasingly resentful of it.

He is really drinking quite a lot on a regular basis. You're about to change your lives entirely in a way that is not really compatible with drinking a lot of alcohol. He needs to be OK about this.

I've had a simialr conversations with my other half and he's cut down to almost nothing, although he grumbles about it sometimes. The way I see it you're going to be giving up alcohol completely for 9 months or more, waddling around with a big pregnant belly and squeezing a child out of your nether regions. The least he can do is put down the damn beer!

Blimey. Funny how views differ. I put this question on the "am I being unreasonable" section and most responses accused me of being a controllong, smug cow! Responses in this section are much different.

The update is that he has cut right down. He had one glass of wine last night with dinner. We were in Paris for the weekend and shared a bottle between us on friday night and had 2 glasses each on Sat.

We will now have nothing until next Friday when we'll have just a glass or two over the weekend with dinner.

Benders are OUT OF THE QUESTION. I've told him if he does that then babies are on hold and our relationship will be in question.

I believe he accepts that.

Annie

Sounds like you've worked it out really well. Its worth looking at the alcohol content on your wine and beer too. The wine we drink can vary between 8.5-14.5%, and beer varies alot too, so you could also look at getting ones with lower alcolhol %.

Hi,

I totally understand where you are coming from. My dh doesn't go on benders but he does drink more than I think he should. Well he thinks he doesn't drink much but I think he does. On an average week he has a couple of work receptions where he might have about 3 glasses of wine then a few social occasions where we go to the pub where he might have about three pints then a coupld of nights at home where he has a couple of glasses of wine with dinner.

In the normal course of things this doesn't worry me but given we've been ttc for 2 years it does and I asked him to dramatically cut down. He said he would but then didn't even though I cut down to a couple of glasses of wine a week. We had lots of arguments where I said I was doing everything - vitamins, temp, cutting down etc and he was doing nothing. He said I had to let him do it at his own pace.

I am still anoyed esp as his first two semen analyses were on the low side of okay. He's just had another one in preparation for iui though and even though he drinks the same amount the sperm count was absolutely fine - doc thought perhaps he had underlying cold or infection leading to last not great sperm count.

My point being that maybe alcohol doesn't always have the effect we think it does - it gives us something to latch onto and have control over.

But that's not benders. Well done you for bringing up and well done him for driving instead.

Try to make time to be nice to each other though - ttc is so stressful.

I find Becks Blue (zero alcohol) my 'methadone beer replacement' of choice, which makes it easier to pass up on drinks in social occassions. I'm not British and the pressure to drink in Britain is quite something actually. I wonder how much of his will power is affected by peer pressure? Pubs usually have some form of zero alcohol beer (don't all taste great tho - you should experiment - I like the becks blue). Your dh may feel better about not drinking if his pals thought he WAS drinking (get the barman to poor them secretly). Problem is, drunks are really boring so he may find himself coming home earlier than he used to. Good luck with this!

Sounds like you are working through this well.

I just wanted to mention that if he sticks to wines from cooler climates, they tend to be lower in alcohol than warmer climates.

eg. a German white wine such as a Riesling or a wine from North of Italy will normally be lighter than a Pinot Grigio from California or Australia.