TTC - how do I deal with jealosy?

[boba82]

Hello I'm a newbie to all this. Been TTC no 1 for 10 months with no success and am finding it increasingly difficult to stay positive.

Have just had a text from a friend to say she has "accidentally" fallen pregnant with her 2nd baby (1st is only 12 months).

I am filled with jealousy and finding it really hard to deal with. This is not like me and I want to be happy for her but I can't help feeling that this is so unfair.

Why is it that we have been doing everything right for a year and we can't have an accident?

Anyone else have experience of this and any advice on how to deal with it?

Sorry not really much help but just wanted to say that sometimes life isn't fair and I can understand why you would feel such jealousy. I think you should not be harsh on yourself and accept that it is ok to feel this way. All you can do is try to keep your feelings from becoming an issue with your friendship. Perhaps try to be outwardly positive about your friend's pregnancy when around her. Does your friend know that you are TTC?

I hope it happens for you soon.

Hi,

I really feel for you and have been in similar position. We were ttc for 20 months and am now 22 weeks pregnant. Sometimes I was fine with hearing this sort of news and other times it really upset me.

After about a year or so we decided to share with close friends and family that we were ttc, it was taking longer than hoped and it was quite upsetting sometimes. This really helped actually and took a bit of pressure of and stopped some people asking 'so when are you going to have kids ...'.

I also felt I was taking some control back by losing weight, eating really healthily, taking supplements, cutting back on alcohol - both me and DH did this. I also had regular massages and took up yoga. I just felt this was something I could control, I felt loads better for it and I think it may have helped too.

Lastly each month I would think we have done all we can, what is done is done if I am pregnant great if not I have done all I can. Previously would beat myself up about not 'trying' hard enough.

It is easy to say this now but I actually think with all the prep I am 100% ready now both mentally and physically and maybe I wasn't before.

It is fine to feel this way and totally understandable. Hope this helps a little.

I've absolutely been there, to you boba, its completely hideous isn't it, and can consume every waking moment. It took us 10m to conceive the first time, we had a mc, then conceived dd two months later. In all that time everyone was divided into two categories in my mind - those I thought it was acceptable if they were pg, and those who 'weren't allowed'. Which is of course ridiculous...the low point was dh's cousin getting pg, having their baby and using 'our' name (even though they had no idea we liked it) in the time we were trying. I really hope it happens for you soon. In the mean time, really invest in your relationship with your partner so you're in the best possible place to deal with joy and hardship, although I hope its the joy

Really good post CarrieBo. You are so right about the acceptable and not allowed categories. I felt the same but could never really understand the way my brain was working and why I felt like this with some people!

Hi,

I'm in the same position - really desperate to conceive, and the girl I work with is 16 weeks pregnant with twins (grr!) and won't stop fucking complaining!

All I can say is try to stay positive - think how amazing it'll be when you do get your BFP and how great you'll feel. It'll happen for you, it just takes time - everything worth having in life takes a little time.

I'm a big believer in karma, and that helps [hippy emoticon!]

Thank you everyone for the advice, really good to know I'm not the only one feeling like this!

Goodness, I think if you didn't feel like this you'd be the unusual one, especially seeing as it's been some time now. We weren't even actively trying until recently but I know it was getting harder and harder to react with unbridled joy when one friend and one cousin after another conceived. It started also creeping into my head about statistics - that you're told that so many people out of ten experience infertility and with so many people we know succeeding then the statistic was bound to be me, when we finally got round to it. I was in floods in November when I thought I'd got pregnant by accident (yeah, as if!) and of course I wasn't . But I'd been speaking to my sister about it and a few weeks later she told me she was pregnant and had been during the conversation but hadn't told me then. She'd been married only a few months and we've been together ten years! I remember lying on the campbed in her lounge, where I was staying at the time, and trying to muffle my crying into my pillow and phoned dh back at home in the middle of the night. He didn't remotely understand of course! So after actively TTC for ten months is so much harder and for what it's worth, you sounds like you're doing really well coping. I think hipopo said some really valuable advice there too. Sorry, no suggestions as such, but you're in good company!

So nice to know I'm not just a nasty witch then!

I know what you mean about trying to take control. I already eat well and am fit and have stopped smoking and am taking vitamins etc but am going to get DH on vitamins and send us both for reflexology after reading other's advice.

So glad I've found this site, has cheered me up and got me on positive track again, until next AF that is!

As others have said its perfectly normal to be jealous. TTC has brought out so many negative emotions in me that at times I have thought I was actually going mad. I've been trying now for 14 months and nothing has happened, not even a false positive. I'm starting IUI this month.

Funnily enough I think I most suffered with jealousy and anger at my situation between 6-12 months as I was scared of getting to the year mark. However, I'm mainly calm now. I think it's because I'm so used to TTC it's almost become a normal part of my life, not a means to an end. I sometimes forget what the whole point of TTC is if that makes any sense.

I think starting acupuncture in January has helped me emotionally plus the fact that I've started being open with a lot of people about my problems and I no longer feel that I'm hiding some big secret shame.

Finally I try to turn the arrival of AF into a sort of positive thing where my DH have an excuse to get smashed!!

Good luck and remember you're not alone.

Thanks for that capricorn76 I really like your idea, think we will do that this weekend! Good luck with your IUI.

boba82 big hugs for you, I'm in exactly the same boat! AF just hit me yesterday and today some one was quoting the calpol ad (if you're a mum you'll understand) and I almost burst into tears as I was just thinking how I wasn't one!

I too have gone from a content married individual to a jealous horrible person. Not much advice to give as we haven't been trying as long as you but just wanted to say you're not alone, and one day that BFP will turn up for you!

Capricorn good luck with the IUI!

It's hideous and can feel like thinking about having a baby can consume your every waking thought. I completely agree about the acceptable pregnancies and unacceptable. People i liked were generally acceptable but if i didn't really know them or like them i really felt that it was incredible unfair.

If you've been trying for nearly a year with no success have you thought about going to your GP? Once i was under a consultant i felt better as i was doing something. I also found keeping busy helped and have something else to look forward to (don't put things off in case you fall pregnant next month). book a holiday etc.

If you're a nasty witch then I think we all are! I've found the jealousy the hardest thing to deal with - we've got to go and visit some good friends who have a new baby in a couple of weeks and I'm absolutely dreading it. One thing this website does though is reinforce the fact that if you're feeling something then the chances are that hundreds of others are going through the same thing, and turns out it's normal after all! I think ttc is one of those times you really do have to give yourself a break.