How can I help my friend through this?

[readyfornumber2and3]

Hi all am looking from advice from those who have been through or have supported someone through something similar.

My friend has found out today that she has miscarried, she had some bleeding at 6 weeks and they scanned her and found a sac but no heartbeat, did bloods that were inconclusive and then did a rescan today (2 weeks later) and have cnfirmed a miscarriage and she is having surgery on thursday as it isnt happening naturally

How can I support her through it? Its breaking my heart that I cant take her pain away but also dont want to suffocate her with kindness.

She has a difficult relationship with her Mum and has said all she wants is motherly hugs and reassurance but her Mum isnt interested in being there for her

She lives nearly an hour away and I dont drive so cant do much physically but really want to do something.

Can anyone suggest a good way of being there for her?

I also have 6 month old twins so am very conscious of not upsetting her with them being around her.

Any advice would be very welcome tia

Hard to really give advice as everyone is so different with how they approach these things. I just had an early miscarriage at 5+1, told a few close friends and definitely would not have wanted anyone treating me differently in terms of not mentioning their babies / pregnancies. My good friend came over the day after my MC (DH was at work) bringing lunch, cake, some flowers for me and her 4 month old baby: we had a good chat, went for a walk, played with the baby... it was just what I needed. For me, as close to "normality" as possible is what really helps. You probably don't need to do anything too special, just keep in contact / visit.

Hi there,

I have to say what a sweet, dear friend you are coming on mumsnet to try and find advice on how to support your friend- she must really mean a lot to you

I had an mmc in November and it was heartbreaking. My friend- who all live 1.5+ hrs away- they all gave me 'space'. In the end I just felt lonely. I didn't want to burden them with my stress as I had convinced myself that they were getting on with their lives- if I called for a chat, I thought that I would be holding them up for being somewhere more important.

I think this was my own stuff. Being pregnant made me feel really special and when it ended I could not see how I was still special even though I wasn't a potential mummy. I just felt unspecial and unimportant.

Only since I actually started talking to my friends did I realise they were just waiting for me to talk to them in my own time.

So it ended up being me who made the effort to get back in touch with my friends. It's an effort I sometimes wished I hadnt had to make though- even the rare spontaneous text from someone was lovely. Anyway, I sent loads of emails, loads of texts, and happily have actually got a few back. I'd recommend just being there, making your presence known. Don't be afraid to mention the miscarriage either- her baby, despite being lost, is going to be precious and individual to her and she will probably want to talk about it. A lot.

One thing I probably don't have to advise is to avoid saying things like "you can always try again in a few months" etc

After my mc I did not want to try ever again, I did not want 'another' baby, I desperately wanted the one that I had lost. I wanted it back. I wanted the impossible. When I had the surgery I felt emotionally numb for a few days either side of the procedure. It would have been nice to have had some distance support for the first month or so. My thoughts took ages to clear but somehow knowing people were on the end of the phone was comforting.

Luckily I came out of that headspace after about 8 weeks, and am now preparing to TTC again when I am fully emotionally ready.

Anyway I think you're very sweet for being so concerned for her and I hope that with such supportive people around her, your friend will get through this as best she can.

Good luck xx

Thank you for the advice x

I will make sure that I am there if she needs me and will make sure I dont brush it under the carpet.

And I will definately drop a few texts over the next few days so she knows I am thinking of her.

Its heartbreaking to see her going through this so I honestly cant imagine how much pain she must be feeling herself