Very stressed and anxious about TTC

[MadameG]

Hi all,

Just wanted to share my current situation because I'm going out of my mind a bit.

I'm 30, and came off Dianette in July after about 5 years of taking it. Me and my hubby started TTC last month.

The reason that I'm so stressed and anxious is that 5 years ago I had to have an abortion (abusive situation caused the pregnancy) and it was a terrible experience, and it has left me terrified that I won't be able to conceive again because I had my chance to be a mum then and didn't take it (albeit in awful circumstances). I know its probably an irrational fear but I've wanted to have a family my whole life and now I'm happily married and ready to TTC, I'm petrified it won't happen for us.

It doesn't help that I've scared myself silly reading about other people's experiences of TTC after dianette; my periods have been fairly ok since I came off it 6 months ago (although last one was a bit long)and I had my hormone levels checked at the dr's and she said that they were fine. She said not to worry and to continue TTC, but I have such a fear that we'll try and try and try and it won't happen, and the abortion upset will keep bubbling up and making me feel down.

To try and make life easier for ourselves and help things along, we've bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor and have been using Pre-Seed. I'm also taking Folic Acid (for the last 3 months). We're aiming for sex about 4-5 times a week.

I just wanted to get all this worry off my chest really. If anyone has any advice or experiences they can share that might help I'd be hugely grateful.

I took Dianette for about 10 years prior to TTC DC1. After about 6 months,I started to convince myself it would never happen, and had my hormones checked at the GP. Then it just happened. I went back on Dianette after finishing breastfeeding and conceived DC2 about 3 months after stopping it. I think it was quicker this time because I was more chilled about it.

Good luck!

I haven't been on Dianette, but just wanted to say that you have absolutely not used up your chance to be a mum because of what happened in your past.

It might not happen for you immediately, but for most people it doesn't. Most of us though will manage to conceive within a year of trying. It can be a crazy making time, but try and keep feeling positive about it. Your hormone levels are good, so that's an excellent thing. Good luck!

You were in that situation in your life that required you to have a termination. It wasn't about chances or fate, it was a decision that you had to take for yourself at the time and you made the right decision for yourself. Please do not feel that you have to punish yourself for a decision that you made all that time ago and do not for a second believe that it will impact upon your fertility now. If it reassures you, there are many Mumsnetters who have had terminations and gone on to have happy, healthy, successful pregnancies.

It's early days and it's utterly normal for it to take a year to conceive, there's around a 25% chance of conceiving a baby if you do everything right and on the right day so it's not as easy as it seems when you're actively preventing it.

It's easy to say, but don't get caught up in fertility monitoring and signs and symptom spotting. Have pleny of sex and in most healthy, fertile couples you will manage to conceive without all of the stress of monitoring your cycle. It isn't always instant but you have no reason to believe it will be problematical for you. It's tough but try and channel lots of energy into other things too, not just ttc, as you can become so obsessed with it that every day you're not pregnant feels like a waste. Learn something new- have you ever fancied photography lessons or a trip somewhere, plan lots of things to do alongside ttc.

Pregnancy and the early days of having a baby are very mixed. There are days of utter bliss and days that are very tough indeed. You must not go into this ever believing that your past decisions are causing the things that happen to you today. There is the potential to feel very low and vulnerable when pg and having a baby and it's important that you don't make the mistake of believing you somehow deserve any of the difficult twists and turns that come your way.

Did you have any post abortion counselling? A good fpc can offer this if you feel you need it, even now. There's also a charity that offers this nationwide.

Thanks all for your help and thoughts.

Gingerbreadfolk: Thanks for what you wrote, it was very comforting. I'm actually also channelling my energies into learning to drive too, which I'm very excited about, so that's giving me another focus.

I didn't have any post-abortion counselling, no. Wish I had. I really went off the rails for about 3 years afterwards- was very unwell and only finished psychotherapy in 2009. I still can't quite shake the notion that I 'sinned' somehow and let that baby down though, it haunts me no matter what. I feel like I did a terrible thing.

I've been told that I won't feel this way once I'm a mum by someone who went through something similar. I hope so.

MadameG, when I read your post I really felt for you.

Firstly, it sounded like you were in a terrible situation the years ago when you had the abortion but from what you have implied it sounds very much like you made the right decision at the time. You should definitely not be beating yourself up about it.

Secondly, I think it is a bit normal to feel a bit anxious when you start TTC. I am quite a laid back person and I remember going through all my past problems in my head wondering if they could have affected my fertility when I did not get PG straight away.

I will say exactly the same as everyone else has that the only thing you can do is relax and enjoy yourself now. I am sure it will happen - most people who want a family do get pregnant even if it takes some people a bit longer than others.

Hi Madame G, I' just posting to second what the last two posters have said. I feel really sad for you that you are still blaming yourself for something that someone else did to you and hope that you will be able to give yourself a break and enjoy TTC and eventually pregnancy and life as a mum. It does sound as if continued counselling would help as a source of support and a safe space to air your feelings.

As others have said, TTC can be tough and can come with a lot of anxiety, especially when you are still working through other feelings or experiences (and the whole emotionally laden business of planning and having a pregnancy and birth can bring them to the fore). I'd also wholeheartedly second Gingerbreadfolk in saying that you might need some support to develop emotional resilience as a new mum - I certainly did and haven't had particularly bad experiences, just some unresolved things from childhood and adolescence that really surfaced as a mother - I was very anxious and constantly feeling that I was getting it wrong and didn't know what I was doing. I found that good counselling support got me through this (and coping with pregnancy loss and TTC anxiety) and helped me relax and enjoy being a mum - I'm a very happy mum now!

Sorry it this is sounding a bit preachy - what I'm trying to say is of course ideally you need to relax etc but it can be difficult to do that if you have unresolved issues and maybe some support would help. Mumsnet is very good too! I have really appreciated lots of support on here as a new mum. Good luck, and I'm sure it will happen for you

Thank you Lily and Ali for sharing your thoughts. It means a lot.

I'm trying (trying!) to chill, and have faith that as I got pregnant so easily last time I will again. Sometimes I can see it and feel fine, and at other times the fear just washes over me.

I think you're right Lily in that I'd benefit from support while TTC and then being a new parent. I really was very unwell after those events and I still suffer from bad anxiety now.

Here's hoping I get a BFP in the next few months!

Let us know any good news.

All the best MadameG and do let us know....