Hi, I'm 35, have 2 wonderful DSs aged 23months and 4rs 10 months, and have always wanted 3 children. DH has always been dead set against having more than 2, but last year I fell pg accidentally, and then sadly suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks. This completely shook our relationship to the core, he was so releived when I had the mc, and I was devestated, and so hurt by his reaction. Then followed some 7 months of us barely talking definately not touching and really just going through the motions of being a family. I just couldn't forgive him for being glad that our baby had died, and couldn't understand why he couldn't connect the mc with losing a baby who would have grown up to be loved as much as our two little boys .
However, last month we finally sat down and talked it through, and eventually he realised what he had done (it took me saying that I felt there was this tiny baby up in heaven, and I was the only one who greived for him). This improved things slightly as I felt then that at least he was trying to understand how I was feeling, and admitting to himself how he felt about it, but still left us on opposite sides regarding having any more children, and hence still no "intimacy" (iykwim) between us.
Anyway, he went away on business for a week earlier this month, and when he came back he said he couldn't stand us being apart, and didn't want to lose me and his boys, so if I got pg so be it. (kind of what will be will be). Then followed much making up for lost time , and me desparately hoping I was pg........ but my period started as usual this week.
Now that having another baby might actually be a reality I'm starting to panic (no pleasing me, I know). We live in a 3 bedroom house, which needs alot of work doing to it, and we won't have the money to do that until I return to work after all the children start school. As we have only 3 beds, 2 children will have to share, but both DSs love having their own space. I feel I am asking them to make a sacrifice and like I'm being selfish. Also DH is blind, and this means most of the day to day stuff falls to me, he simply cant cook, clean, iron, drive, do the shopping, read stories, help with homework, decorate etc etc. I sometimes already feel pulled in too many directions, and that I can't do everything for everyone, how will it be in years to come?
Plus I am 35 and I've just been reading the thread about chances of genetic abnormalities, which has given me something else to think about.
But, all these are practical/financial worries, and they still don't stop my heart saying "but I want another baby". I cant believe I will never be pregnant again, never feel my baby kick inside me, never breast feed again , I just can't bring myself to say "I don't want anymore children" even though I know in my head it's the sensible choice.
Phew, sorry to ramble on, beleive me, I have cut a very long story short. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest really, feel like I'm going mad, can't think straight, and hoping somehow writing it all down will bring some clarity. Any advice/pearls of wisdom gratefully received nic x.