TTC for year and losing interest...

[vadercat]

Hi, I'm new to posting on the boards, but have always enjoyed reading them. A bit of background - DH and I have been married for 18 months, I'm 34, he's 31. We started TTC last Christmas but nothing's stuck yet There's been a few nearlys I think (suddenly huge boobs and just a generally a strange feeling of something) but they'd always just dwindled away.

DH has always been much more keen on kids than me, so part of me does wonder if I'm just going along with all this to please him, which is not good! But mostly I've just lost interest in the whole thing now; the initial excitement and euphoria of trying have been well and truly overtaken by the mundanity of counting cycle days and hoping that every month something might happen which will mean I don't have to suffer another hideous period.

We're planning to go to the doc's as soon as poss to see what can be done, but I'm not sure I'm up for a battle if there are any problems.

Hi - I am the same age and have been seriously trying for 14months ... it is tough isn't it, with trying to hit the right dates. This summer hol I went for the relax, ignore the calendar - no difference!

My hubby just been to dr's and got an appointment for a semen analysis - in 2 weeks time the appointment (on NHS) - I have yet to go, dreading that bit.

We would love a child, been married years - do you thing the trying has put you off?

Would recommend going to the gp - testing for husband is quick and pretty painless and hubby willing to oblige so I feel less stressed. I go to gp next week to ask for the blood tests, whatever they are!!

Keziah

I'm fed up of it, too. I'm 34 as well; we started ttc ages ago, then put it on hold as we were getting married. Since April we've been trying and getting nowhere and I'm now (mostly) at the 'can't be arsed' stage. I keep thinking, well, we're alright as we are, really, and reasonably comfortable financially so would it really be the end of the world if we didn't conceive? But then I get this terrible jolt of yearning...

Everyone I know keeps telling me not to worry about it, just shag with wild abandon and it'll all come good - but I can't shag with wild abandon because I'm counting dates and days and wondering whether we're doing it in the right position....and then sometimes we're both so tired after work on days when we 'should' be getting down to it that we just don't bother, and then I spend days fretting about a missed opportunity.

Maybe we should go to the doc's, too....but then I don't want to medicalise the situation, if you get what I mean. I'd rather it was either 'Hurrah, I'm pregnant' or 'Oh well, it seems I can't get pregnant'. Am concerned that involving the doctor, for me, would just lead to even more of the anxiety which is supposed to be so self-defeating in the first place although I totally understand others who want to get checked out.

Ladies, it's grim. I think wine may be our only option!

Hi Armi - think chocolate also helps! 34 is a scary age for me - so near that age when things meant to get worse. We decided to just go for basic free NHS tests - semen for him, bloods for me, to hopefully encourage us. Know what you mean about the position/timing/dates stresses.

Vadercat - I had the sore boobs one month, got so excited, but 3 tests said not pregnant and so don't understand why had that feeling.

My hubby got appointment at local hospital's fertility place for semen testing on 22nd Dec, I haven't braved asking my gp yet - think have to test on certain days of cycle ... bit worried what gp'll say yet.

Hi, everybody, so understand your disappointment and getting fed up with it all.

I have never ever felt broody for a baby but always "knew" I wanted children who would grow into adults etc etc.
It took us 15 months to make DS1 whom I had when I was 37. I am currently expecting DS4 so should probably have my head examined...

What I am trying to say is, if you are over 30 and certainly if over 35 it is well worthwhile getting further tests done. However if for whatever reasons you do not want to go down that route, then things can still happen. I intensely dislike the whole concept of "TTC", so joy destroying and soul sapping... Basic blood tests for you and semen analysis for DH are fairly simple to do, though.

Sorry, I am rambling. My personal top tip in particular when you think you have early pregnancy symptoms: do NOT test before who have missed a period, there heart break lies... I have also had 4 MCs so it has not all been plain sailing.

Keep going or not, whatever seems right to you all at the time. Good luck!!

Really feel for you. I would book in to see the GP. Maybe for the end of January. That will give you time to think what you really want and time to talk to your DH about your feelings.

In the meantime, stop counting dates. I'm not saying this will get you pregnant but you'll hopefully be able to relax a bit and focus on enjoying Christmas and New Year with your DH.

Just to add you're not alone - DP and I have been trying for nearly 2 years without success, but that includes a spell where the cumulative stress/disappointment/frustration was so intense it killed not only our TTC attempts but also our entire sex life for several months. It's a peculiarly soul-destroying trial for any couple, and hard to explain to friends who either got pregnant by accident or very quickly. They've learned to recognise the scary light in my eyes when they start to say, 'you just need to rel...' or 'Have you thought about going on holi....'

I've gone through the 'counting dates' barrier, and the temping one, and the OPK one, and the going-by-the-Observer-horoscopes-one, and have now embarked on a cunning strategy of maximum inconvenience: DP has a new job working away during the week, I've got loads of work on, we have renovation to do on the house, and it could literally not be a worse time to get pregnant. Am fairly sure that this approach, combined with some haphazard drunken shagging, will result in a baby by next Christmas. If it doesn't, the relief of not having to juggle builders, nappies and dogs will be a comfort.

(Also my next door neighbour told me that just one of her DC's bus fares comes to £300 a term! I need to hear more of this sort of thing, when I'm weeping over a negative test.)

vadercat I can recommend a book called "Taking Charge of your fertility" by Toni Weschler.

I'm only half way through (after 9 months of TTC with no sucess) but it's interesting.

Basically it's about taking your temperature, monitoring cervical fluid etc - it sounds more work than it actually is.

If your cycles are regular, but you're not getting pregnant, it may be that ovulation is happening earlier/later than you expect.

Sorry if this is preachy and you know all this, but it's a good book with lots of intereting and helpful info.

I like it as I like to feel like I am doing something!

Thanks for all the responses, ladies, I was sure I wasn't the only one feeling like this, but it can be a bit lonely sometimes. I'm going to make a doc's appointment for Friday for the two of us - it's the not knowing if there is a problem that I think is adding to the situation. I'm trying not to get stressed about, cos that has a tendency to trigger depressive feelings, but I feel like life is on hold at the moment.

It really doesn't help that so many friends have got pregnant just by looking at each other, and that my brother's wife is having twins! No-one's outright said 'so when are you going to have kids' yet, but it's kind of implied. Off to call the doc's and get some magazines for DH

Vadercar, I feel your pain / frustration, you are most definitely not alone, thank you for posting this thread to remind me of that.

wildfig and armi, thank you for making me giggle!

Pacific thank you for giving us hope

Keziah hello! Good luck with DH's testing on 22nd

I am too TTC#1 at 34 (DH is 41) and after 1 MMC in Jan last year since then, not a thing. I think if I actually ever get a BFP I will completely poop myself and go into a blind panic!

vadercar - no you not alone, and I have found it helpful to read people's comments here. That book sounds good - think January for me and DH is going to be a time of looking at what we could do to change (he is healthy, slim fit - so maybe I should say what I should change really). Hope you have helpful appointment with gp - my husband got an appointment on 22nd for testing, I am asking for blood testing when see gp tomorrow.

barren - hello! Thanks. I agree, the idea of a BFP seems so unreal right now.

Hi, Ladies. Just saying this from personal experience. With ttcing a child a lot of us aren't exactly sure if they really want one or not. There is never a perfect time for having a dc. But all the ladies getting closer to 35 who have tried for six months should atleast get the preliminary testing done so there is still time for any medical interventions to be taken in case there is need. Once you hit 40 the statistical chances for success theoretically become dismal even with medical interventions. Believe me, somtimes 5 yrs can just fly by you without you realizing. I am not trying to scare anybody or anything, just want to encourage people to take things in their hands while there is still time. Wish you all the best.

Has anyone here had preliminary testing? My DH getting his done, no problem - I asked for the blood tests today and ended up with an appointment in 2 weeks at local dr's on a date not linked to my cycle. Didn't get told what testing for, it does't sound right. Now have to wait till 8th Jan to see gp to try again!!

Thanks pat42 - I am already seeing how I have lost one month right at the start of this, after 16mths of ttc.

Vadercar, I also understand what you are going through. We've been TTC for 19 months now and have just have all our tests come back clear, which is great, but slightly frustrating too as we're now looking at assisted conception when there's nowt wrong with either of us. We're off on holiday for Xmas, so hoping after my recent hycosy, something might stick this time (hmm, remember thinking that in July...). If nothing else, the tests put your mind at ease, so go for it as it's a step closer to where you want to be.

Wildfig - so glad to know that someone else as gone through the reading horoscopes barrier too . Can't believe what this does to normal, rational human beings!

TBH, I'm quite zen about it now. We've done the tests, we're both fine, so it's in the lap of the gods. I had to pull back a bit because it freaked me out how irrationally distressed TTC made me, trying so hard each month and then the crashing disappointment - I'd love to have a baby but not so much that I'd risk my relationship and sanity in pursuit of one.

I think it affects men a lot more than they let on, particularly if they think it's their fault nothing's happening; I know my DH got very moody about the whole thing. Am sure that if we don't have a family, we'll be perfectly happy on our own, but until you know for sure it's not going to happen (eg, when you're 55 and going on your second holiday of the year), there's that awful pulling sensation inside that you're failing as a woman/couple, and that the whole world either pities you, or thinks you're some kind of cold, career-chasing freak.

I'd recommend going for the tests, just to put your mind at rest, and then if there is a problem you know what needs to be done, or not.

Hi Ladies, thanks for all the messages. We've got an appointment tomorrow (Friday) at 5pm, so I'm expecting DH will have to donate a sample and I'll have bloods taken, although as I'm heading towards ovulating at the mo I expect they'll want to do something at the begining of my cycle as well maybe?!? I'm also hoping the doc will be able to do something about my crappy periods.

The oddest thing about all this is how out of control it all feels - like a lot of you, I'm sure, I feel like I've been pretty much in control of things like jobs, home, wedding, etc for the past few years, and once we made the decision to start trying, I just expected it would happen - we'd take the vitamins, do the cycle day counting, and bingo! baby on the way. But it's not been like that, which isn't really something I've experienced before. I think knowing how to react to that is difficult - I'm definitely frustrated, but also surprised that it hasn't come easily. It's strange to fail at something that should be so simple!

Hi vadercat,

Actually conception is not as straightforward as many people seem to think - there are so many variables.

You describe your periods as hideous - in what ways exactly are they like this?. Are they very painful and or heavy in nature?.

"We've been TTC for 19 months now and have just have all our tests come back clear, which is great, but slightly frustrating too as we're now looking at assisted conception when there's nowt wrong with either of us"

Hi Asha76

Re your above comment:-

At 19 months of ttc without success it is probable that there is likely to be a problem with either one or both of you equally. Do not let this lie, seek a second opinion.

What tests have you both had done to date and when were these carried out?.

You'd be surprised actually at what tests can and do get missed. My guess is that they may call you "unexplained" which is no diagnosis at all. All this means is that they have failed to find out what is wrong. Sometimes too it is a "diagnosis" given to patients when not enough tests have been done!.

Hi AttilaTheMeerkat, they're all over the place really - lots of spotting (like 4 - 5 days worth) before 24 hours or so of total hell (throwing up, nausea, upset tummy, heavy flow, cramps that have me doubled up, so I usually have to have a day off work) then a quieter day, another heavy day with clots, then two or three days of spotting again. So it's generally 8 or 9 days of pain, discomfort and incovenience. Add in a couple of days of raging PMT and it's a wonder DH wants to come anywhere near me any more! I've always been like this though, since my periods started 20+ years ago - the only thing that stops it all is the pill. I don't know if there's a link between bad periods and inability to get pregnant or if it's just coincidence, but either way I'd like them both sorting!

vadercat

Has anyone mentioned "endometriosis" to you?. This could actually explain your symptoms - very painful and or heavy periods are a classic symptoms of endo.

Am no expert at all and you do need to see a gynae. Would have to stress that.

The pill in my case also reduces the symptoms and endo can also disrupt ovulation.

I have endometriosis and my problems with it started in my teens (it took me many years though to get an endo dx).

Spotting should always be checked out medically to establish the cause. In your case I'd be insisting now to the GP that you get referred to a gynae for further evaluation. This is not a problem for a GP to be messing around with.

BTW NO blood test or ultrasound scan will detect endo if it is there - the usual way it is diagnosed is via laparoscopy - a keyhole surgery op.

Seek help from a gynae asap. This is not something that you should put up with.

Vadercat - think the advice to ask for referral for gynae sounds useful - several friends had this diagnosis and useful treatment that really improved their quality of life.

All the best for the tests for tomorrow - DH has his next week, mine not yet sorted... hope having tests and seeing consultants helps you feel a bit more in control of the process.

asha76 / vadercat I echo what Attila says. Your periods sound like they could be symptomic of endometriosis, so you should get that checked out and eliminated. The initital blood tests are to check that you are ovulating, blood tests don't test for endometriosis.

We have been TTC (well, not preventing pregnancy initially) but I got a bit more systematic about it recently and have been temping for the last 4 cycles) for 15 months. I went to the docs last week and have two follow up appointments for blood tests and DH has an appointment to give a sample. I felt a bit funny about it initially, as we started by being very non committal and weren't overwhelmingly keen to have kids, just wanted to let nature take its course. Now that we are getting teh medical establishment involved, it feels a lot more official. But it does feel better to have got the ball rolling, there is no point is carrying on month after month and getting distressed awhen I few simple tests could eliminate obvious problems.