Deciding whether to try again for dc3 after mc.

[hmmSleep]

I'm writing this down to sort things in my own head more than anything, but any comments would be much appreciated!

DH and I decided to start trying for dc3 last christmas, after conceiving dd and ds very quickly it felt like I was never going to fall pregnant. Finally did in August. Miscarried at 9 weeks.

We were both really sad and disappointed and I feel physically drained, still bleeding 4 weeks later.

This past week I've started to feel more myself again, emotionally and physically much better.

But can't decide whether to try again.

We had decided that if I hadn't fallen pregnant by my 35th birthday (february) we were going to stop trying, after mc it is very unlikley that I will conceive again before then. Do we now extend the deadline?

In my previous pregnancies we didn't have any screening tests, would have gone ahead with pregnancy whatever. This time with 2 other dcs to think about had decided to have tests, but now? With increased risk of misscarrying again, what with increased risk due to already having miscarriage not sure I would. Also after realising how upset I was at miscarrying at 9 weeks would I really be able to go through with a termination? Don't think I could. But I also don't think I could cope with a disabled or down's syndrome child on top of the 2 I already have.

I have 2 wonderful healthy children, should I just be happy with my lot?

I'm worried if I decide to stop at 2 I'll really regret it in a few years time, and although alot of it is probably my hormones going crazy I've been yearning to fall pregnant again since miscarriage.

Just can't decide!!

Sorry, that was long!

In exactly the same boat as you - 2 healthy dcs, umming and aahing for ages about whether to ttc no.3 and finally decided to go for it (I'll be 37 in May). Sorry to hear about your mc, I had one at 6 weeks before my 2 dcs and it felt like the end of the world.

Just had what I'm sure was a very early mc and am going to keep trying but be really relaxed about it.

Birth defects and mcs can happen at any maternal age - you won't be more at risk in March just because you've turned 35!!

Sorry to hear about your mc endangered. The 35 thing is more to do with not wanting a big age gap between ds and next one, although risk of birth defects does enter the equation a little. The majority of my Mum friends are older than me, all with healthy children.

... the bigger the age gap, the more likely they'll be able to entertain themselves while you're feeding the baby, fetch spare nappies for you and so on. Or am I just deluding myself

Thanks for starting this hmm

Sorry to hear about both your mc's.

I am in a similar situation although am an old biddy compared to you hmm!! (turned 39 in Sept).

Anwyay, we have Ds1 (turned 3 in Nov) and a DSS (9 in Jan). I am so happy with them and do feel like we have a solid unit as DSS stays 1/2 the week.

However....I always wanted a second child of my own. We waited a bit as DS1 really bad sleeper and tried in Sept. I couldn't believe it fell pg at the first attempt. Sadly mc'd at 8 weeks now feeling v lost but willing myself to get well soon both physically and emotionally.

Part of me is so scared re something going wrong (echoing your thoughts hmm re disabilities etc..) and acknowledging my increased risk. On the other hand there is a risk with every pg...

As for age gaps, I think bigger ones are fab and agree with you endangered - we already have an almost 6year gap and it works a treat with DSS being so helpful and they are really close. They both keep asking for another one and I am sure they would be lovely with them.

I completely sympathise with your thoughts hmmm but would say go with your heart and if you want another dc stuff the b'day deadline and enjoy some BD! (PS I had DS1 when I was 36 so you have loads of time!)

hmm

Not sure I can help you decide, but wanted to let you know I've been in a similar position.

My first pg ended in early m/c but that was OK because I knew it's not uncommon - in fact I was a bit blaze about it. Went on to quickly conceive ds1 and then ds2.

When we started trying for ds3 it took a little while for me to get pg which had me a bit. I had fought quite hard to persuade dh that having another baby was a good idea and when I finally won him round - I had an early m/c just before xmas - in fact I was doing xmas shopping during the very early stages of the m/c. I was very emotional as I was completely unprepared for a m/c after two v. straightforward pgs but got lots of lovely support from MN and also found that reading the m/c section of the MN on pg book helped. I think I mourned both lost babies at this point.

By this stage I was 38. We waited for one 'normal' cycle and then started ttc - and I did a +ve pg test on 14 Feb. The whole pg was a bit nerve wracking as I feared another mc and I also agreed with dh that since I had no intention of having an abortion, I'd have no testing at all.

Ds3 is 3 now and absolutely perfect. I was 39 when I had him and I felt like I'd had him just in time.

So, there can be a happy ending. Do the maths about risks as you get older - I must take a more cavalier approach than you, I had ds1 and 2 at 34 and 35 respectively (one just after and one just before my b.day, two yrs apart!). My boys are great friends, dh and I are just getting past the stage of constantly amusing one or all of them and they even lie-in sometimes!

Good luck with your decision.

Thank you for all you replies, sorry for your loss fingerscrossed, hopefully you'll find bosch's story as encouraging as I do.

Still haven't made up my mind but not feeling like I have to make such a rush decision now

Thanks Hmm

Lovely story Bosch, it does give me hope so thanks!

Good luck Hmm - glad at least you don't feel rushed now and I hope it all works out for you