Life after IVF - donor eggs, fostering, adoption or child free?

[Bumpless]

Hello

Anyone else wondering whether to see the future as a whole world of new options, or a corridor of slammed doors?

I'm at the end of the IVF road and wondering what next, and I'd be glad of some company on the road less travelled!

I've realised that, having been thinking of donor eggs as a backstop, for me it's absolutely not a substitute for my own genetic baby. It's an alternative way to have a family, sure. But do I want to take it? Or should I get on with living a childless/free life?

A potted history of me: TTC 2 1/2 years (since married DH), age 41, 3 cycles clomid, 3 IVF cycles this year, with one semi-hopefull one and two spectacular busts. Low responder, with AMH of 2.8 and FSH 15. The whole saga has now come to an end with a fabulously clear quote from a lovely doctor who I trust: 'There is no point in stimulating these ovaries'. Amazingly, what I mainly feel is relief that the pointless struggle is over, although I was so devastated after the last IVF cycle failed that I cried for 6 weeks - maybe I really knew then.

Anyone else living life post IVF, I'd love to meet you!

I'm also someone who has experienced IVF although a few years ago now and think it's significant that I now struggle to recall all the detail which would no doubt have tripped off my tongue at the time (FSH levels etc etc!}
We are a mixed race couple and didn't receive a very warm welcome when enquiring aboiut adopting in this country and so went abroad. Now have 2 gorgeous teenage girls adopted when fairly young from India.
They are very much our daughters and we their parents, can't imagine now what it might have been like to have birth children.
After IVF realised that what was really important to us was being parents not necessarily giving birth. Now only regret is that we didn't do it sooner because fertility treatment now seems like the worst form of gambling!
We are unbelievably happy with our decision - not a day goes by now when I don't think about how lucky we are. It's parenting with a different dimension but most days I guess we just feel like any other family - same worries,similar priorities etc
Couldn't imagine loving them any more than we do. Feel very much for their birth mothers who made all of this possible though.

Hi!

Just to echo a lot of what Kewcumber says really.

I had loads of Clomid etc. then three rounds of IVF which we did privately because the NHS wait seemed to long. All three cycles were a spectacular failure - at the last time one of the drs did a double take at the amount of drugs I was taking and said that anyone else should be exploding with eggs instead of a miserable three!

So - for reasons which i can't really fathom - donor stuff just didnt seem right and we went on to adopt. And I suppose I just wanted to let people know that adopting more than one at a time - we adopted two (hey in for a penny etc - we were approved for three!) - and adopting 'older' children - they were three and a half and six and half - AND adopting apparently two 'difficult to place' children from UK social services doesn't mean it can't work. My DCs are fantastic, wonderful, funny, charming, interesting, challenging and annoying like everyone elses kids and utterly, utterly mine. And I know that they feel the same. It has been the best thing I ever did - and in this respect I am sure I feel no different from people who have children in all the other ways possible for us.

Yes, like Kewcumber I grieved for the loss of the birth child I never had but I can honestly say that I could not possibly love my kids any more than I do and I never ever feel like I have missed out. I have just taken a different journey that's all. And like kewcumber, it has been a journey that I am so glad I had.

And when I say that my DS is absolutely drop dead gorgeous (even at fourteen he is still not really clued in on this as girls eye him up which is just as well really!) I can feel slightly less ashamed that I might appear sooo smug or showing off as it isn't my genes he has to thank for this! I am really paying his birth parents a compliment you see!

Oddly the birth family does not figure much - as they are the same 'ethnicity' as me I maybe haven't been as good as I should be (as you are Kewcumber) at keeping them in people's consciousness. The past (especially since my oldest can remember lots) is discussed from time to time but we are far too busy being happy with each other at the moment. It is far less of an issue than I thought it would be. Honestly!

So - sorry to hijack this a bit - maybe should post on the 'adoption' threads. But adoption is not the last option and therefore the least desirable - believe me!

I hope that you reach the right road for you to travel - good luck!

And I would echo beemail too! And I agree that all the IVF stuff fades. I can't remember all the gorey details and I so agree that it now seems like a bit of a gamble with very bad odds. However, it clearly works for many so it is a personal choice and one which many (including me maybe) have to make as part of the journey.

My dh and I were ttc for a very long time. I've got pregnant in 2009 and we thought that finally our prayers were heard. Unfortunately my pregnancy ended with a miscarriage. We've lost our son and it was shocking for whole our family. I couldn’t get back to life for a long time. I’m glad I have my dh. He gave me support I needed the most. We wanted to have kids so much, it was our only dream. Living childless life wasn't a variant for us. We were thinking about adoption at first. But we wanted our child to be genetically related to our family. Still I had some doubts. My dh looked at this procedure positively. It would be his child anyway. I thought I would be just some woman, who will carry a baby. I have a fear, that everyone will notice it's not mine. I thought it will be obvious and people will talk about it... Also I watched a tv show about de ivf. Some children started to look for women, who shared eggs with these kids' mothers. That was so sad. Those mothers didn't deserve such attitude. They made everything possible their children to have all they need and even more. And here is gratitude. But as this procedure was our only solution of our problem, I made a decision to do it. I should say de ivf is a very good option. I had this procedure in 2014. I've got pregnant from first attempt. We were on seventh heaven! Our girls were born in May 2015. We've just celebrated their first birthday. We used Ukrainian clinic BioTexCom. We are happy parents now! I have no regrets. As soon as I knew I'm pregnant all doubts were wiped out. We decided not to tell our daughters we used donor eggs. I think children' mind is not ready for such info. This fact will change nothing for them. The most important is to give them love and care. I consider myself as their only mother. This is everything they need to know.