How to persuade DP that TTC may not always be spontaneous & passionate?!

[undercovercarrot]

We are currently TTC #1 - I came off the pill in May and since then we havnt exactly 'tried' to conceive - more just carried on as normal having sex maybe twice a week - I secretly hoped this would work and id fall pg without having to worry about temps/CM etc etc(!)

However nothing has happened and so Ive decided its time to up the game a bit.. at the beginning of this cycle I suggested to DP we should 'try' - i.e. just shag as often as poss round ov time (simple!)
However last night when - although knackered - I tried my bestest to be alluring and sexy - DP (in a rather hurt voice) said he thought maybe I didnt actually want to hae sex with him for purely lustful reasons but I only wanted to have sex cos I was ov'ing. I wanted to shout 'well D'UH obviously!' but that would have killed whatever little of the mood was there so i said some rubbish about OVing making me horny etc .

He then went on to say how he wanted our baby to be conceived in a way that was fuun/spontaneous and while obviously that would be lovely that way just doesnt seem to be working for us and I want us to try.. and trying means sometimes making the effort to have sex even when you are not at your horniest. I tried to say this to him and we had an argument and no sex at all was had.

Our relationship and sex life is generally good but I feel like this is a delicate issue - I dont want to make him feel like a sperm doner but at the same time I think he needs to wise up to what TTC can involve .. or maybe Im wrong and we should just keep the sex passionate and spontaneaous and eventually hopefully this will work.. anyone been in similar situation? any advice?? thank you...

Hi undercovercarrot this is a tough one. My guess is that you may have more success if you make big efforts to make him feel loved (not just lusted for!)out of the bedroom, as it sounds like straight-forward insecurity. But that's just a man thing, isn't it - many worry about how your relationship will change after the baby is here and that this is the beginning of that change.

I found that once hubby got into his head that I think the sun shines out of his proverbial and (hopefully) always will, that he would be a good dad and it would be fun, he was happy to listen to Zita West's belief that 15x per month gets you pregnant 50% faster than 10x per month (and now he's - ahem - quite keen!).

So perhaps this is time to plan lots of (non bedroom!) fun with your OH, so that he's a bit more in the mood when you grab him .

hi undercover

hmm, it's a really tough one, that. On the one hand, your DP is right -babies should, ideally, be made in a happy, spontaneous, lustful, blah blah blah manner
Of course, that isn't really how it works a lot of the time, and I can certainly sympathise with the feeling that, now you've made up your mind about TTC, you want to proactively make sure something happens now!!

The way I see it, you have a few options:

1, Don't tell him when you're ov'ing. I assume you must have been talking about it since he accused you of only being in the mood because of that. Some girls swear by not telling their partners any details about ovulating, temps, CM etc, in order to keep sex from becoming a chore.

2, Agree to have sex every second day, no matter what. Depending on libido/life situation this might not be very convenient. But there's an article in a recent Guardian that pretty much gives this advice

3, Talk it through and agree that, yes, you really are TTC and you understand what that means. Sounds simple, but there's something so big and scary about deciding to try for a baby that it's almost easier to just do the 'let's see what happens'. Especially for men I think. Me and DP were like this at first, but after a few months we sat down and pretty much agreed that, yes, we want this to happen. DP knows this means he has to 'perform' at certain times in the month We make little jokes about it, and also make it very clear to eachother how much we enjoy what is now referred to as 'pointless sex' as well...

Best of luck to you and hope you won't have to worry about this for too long!

Please do not go down this route of timed intercourse because it can do more harm than good within a relationship. The man in particular can feel very used.

Would suggest you make love when you both feel like it, not just when you think its ovulation time. Infact I would put the very idea of ovulation time out of your mind.

Do things outside of your "normal" routine; go to a park, restaurant or somewhere you have not been to before. Make time as a couple to do different things and take the pressure off.

Ovulation is not an exact science and a woman can ovulate earlier, later or not at all in any given cycle.

I think I would agree with attila because am finding that my ttc obession is very bad for our sex life...

I was fine when i wasn't worrying too much about conceiveing and we just had spontaneous sex - but I got pregnant in Feb and had a miscarriage in April and since then I am just not sane about the issue.

I try not to worry about ovulation, becuase that makes me worse... but everytime I try to initiate sex rather than him (whatever time of the month it is) I think he feels the pressure and sometimes it just doesn't work out.. or he doesn't come

So we are both left a bit miserable. Although I really try not to mention it or put pressure on - sometimes i just cry if I feel like we have missed the opportunity one more month... so that in itself is pressure...

not sure if that helps

I know this TTC lark is a nightmare - believe me! - but it sounds like you've already had the right idea! You've been having regular unprotected sex and it hasn't been all about making a baby. Believe me, if I'd never started down the temping/OPK route, I think I'd be much better off.

I know it's really hard not to try and take control of a difficult situation, and I know how depressing to still be unpregnant after months of trying - but if you can, I'd stick with your current policy!

Thanks so much for all your wise words. We had a good chat last night and he basically just said he really cant get in the mood if im going on about ov'ing and generally loading on the pressure about - I will take yopur advice (for now!) and try and just relax and not worry bout timings so much.. (although if it gets to xmas and STILL nothing I may then have to up the game just a little bit...)