does anyone else hate TTC sex? desperate for advice

[kissmummy]

i'm exhausted and miserable by our TTC saga - three miscarriages, a load of tests showing nothing, and now we're trying again and all the ovulation sticks and folic acid and carefully timed sex is really getting me down.
i know it's nothing at all compared to what other people have gone through but i'd really appreciate some advice on how people cope with the downsides of having this totally unspontaneous type of sex. my DH does everything he can to make it pleasurable for me but i find it really difficult.
i got a positive ovulation test yesterday so was all excited that we had a chance again, but my DH went off to the pub to meet a friend and came back having had a few pints. when he came back he was very willing, but not, ahem, entirely able to deliver I am gutted - another month wasted - but know i should try to be understanding. he is not a selfish man and knows how much this means to me and is also desperate for me to get pregnant but the pressure got to him i think. every time we have a set back i feel the pressure mounting, and the sex gets worse. how do we get through this?

Yep

We both hate it

We ttc#6 on month 7

Cam back early from visiting yesterday as ov this week, and dh knew but made no advance last night. That gives me couple days window now..again

Sorry about your mc's, it's shit isn't it? I've had 3 at various stages too.

Can only suggest lots exciting sex, ie toys, have a drink, (just one or 2 )dress up for him, nice relaxing shower together, funny movie.

It will happen. Chin up. x

it is a misery. i had years of this. i am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

our sex life improved enormously when we just gave up but that is easier said than done so in the mean time top tips include.

1. sex before you eat in teh evening
2. talk of mucus adn ovulation sticks, though v. exciting for you, are not such a turn on for your other half.
3. if you are not in teh mood just leave it.
4. have sex at all times in the month
5. chuck out the ovulation sticks, if your cycle is regular you will know when you are ovulating, if it is irregular the sticks don't help.

good luck.

thanks it is all sooooo crap.i think DH would be much more relaxed if we followed no4 of your tips Chevre - instead it has boiled down to only actually having sex around ovulation time, which just increases the weirdness of it all.

We found thinking about conceiving hugely offputting, which pretty much reduced the amount of sex we had vastly in the first months.

It only worked out when we stopped counting days and just did it for fun again.

Don't think of it as "meh, another month gone" or "oh. we have to have sex now because of ovulation", but have sex because it's fun. If you know roughly when you ovulate just put some nice stuff on, make a romantic setting, surprise him with that porn dvd he always wanted to watch with you etc. Basically have sex for sex sake, and a lot of it.

kissmummy,

Firstly I am very sorry to read about your miscarriages. I hope you received and continue to receive support as and when you need this. The Miscarriage Association is very good and are well worth contacting.

You must NOT continue down this route of timing of intercourse, this is shown to cause harm to relationships generally. Men in particular can end up feeling somewhat used.

You cannot also just have sex around ovulation time!!. Ovulation is not an exact science, it just does not work like that. Even normally fertile women do not ovulate every month and ovulation can occur earlier, later or not at all in any given cycle.

Take the pressure of both of you and make love when you both feel like it, not when you think its ovulation time for instance. Keep talking to each other. Make sex fun again for both of you, stop thinking of it as a ttc exercise. Change your routine a bit and do new things, go out and have fun as a couple.

Stop using the OPK's as well and bin them now, these are not themselves without problems. These can also put undue pressure on people as you have seen.

Have you actually been assessed by the recurrent miscarriage unit?.

kissmummy I had to burst your bubble - but did you know that by the time you get the +ve OPK it's too late? The sperm needs to already be inside you before you get the +ve.

londonlottie I'm sure this lady could do some research if she were so inclined.

How are you coping mentally with your hubby away?

Yes it's the pits. I'm sorry for your losses kissmummy and hope you get some good news soon. Had my second MC in April and hoped to get pg straight away but it's not happening.

DH lost his grandfather last month and I still found myself putting pressure on him at "that" time of the month - felt absolutely wretched and disgusted with myself but couldn't help it.

Haven't tried the sticks yet as my cycle is reasonably regular but I think they would only wind me up even more. Am thinking a visit to ann summers, a meal out or a weekend away might be the way forward - anything to make things a bit more fun!

londonloopie nothing I stated was untrue. If you're still feeling hormonal and lonely I would suggest you phone your therapist rather than picking fights on the internet. It's most unbecoming of a woman in your condition.

It's my understanding that there are a frightening number of women out there who are overly reliant on the OPK kits and worse still... only have sex on particular days with the sole purpose of falling pregnant - and I'm not saying that this lady falls in to this category. None of us know "everything" - perhaps even you london got something wrong and needed the guidance of others.

E.g., maybe someone can help you with the difference between sex and IUI?

you can get pregnant if you have sex on the day an ov test shows positive (i have a 3 year old to prove it).

we've ditched the tests now TTC no2 and are just having sex very regularly. It just seems less clinical and a bit better. Sometimes don't fancy it though but still do it. DH seems have with lots of sex though.

kissmummy - we had exactly the same prolems as you are having and had an identical experience to yours when DH 'failed to perform' last night. I cannot add to what others have said from your side of the issue but perhaps add somethng from the point of view of DH.

When it happened to me (just tired not because I had had a drink) DW said it did not matter but I could see the same bitter disappointment in her eyes as no doubt you felt. I went into a complete panic and felt enormous guilt. After that, I put myself under immense pressure to perform and every month got worse and worse. I often found it difficult to maintain an erection or ejaculate after that.

I wrote at length about my experience and some tips and tricks we used to deal with it here and here.

You may want to get DH to read those posts I linked if he continues to struggle. I also strongly agree with the tips in the previous posts on this thread.

In the end we conceived on a day when DW had unexpectedly returned home from the Heathrow after her flight had been cancelled. We had virtually given up hope of having children after DW had been critically ill, and had several rounds of failed IVF. It was a night we never expected to spend together and we just did it for fun and love. It worked and we conceived DS1 and then DS2 just two years later.

Doing it for fun and love is perhaps my best advice. I wish you and DH well.