here we go again......for the last time

[wishmeluck]

I have decided to keep an online diary as I am starting IVF for the 5th and final time. I recieved my teatment schedule today and will be taking the first set of down reg hormones on 10th June.
We have already emptied our bank account in persuit of our dream, which is to have a baby. We have been trying for 5 years with IVF after finding that my fallopian tubes are both completely blocked and therefore natural conception is impossible. This time we are having ICSI. I know there are other MNs out there who have been through this, so i know i will have lots of support. I am hoping that putting this online will help me to avoid the craziness of my own thoughts! I know from past experience that it can be a lonely business. Anyway wish me luck!

[Nemo1977]

good luck and lots of sticky baby dust to u

[Flum]

Blimey, not been there. But I really do wish you a world of luck and a pot of gold to go with it.

Keep ing

[MarsLady]

Best wishes and prayers

[moondog]

Oh,wishmeluck, the very very best to you!!!
Everything is crossed.

XXXX

[wishmeluck]

Thanks nemo flum marslady and moondog for kind words and encouragement.it means a great deal.RL friends and family are not all supportive ( mostly as they know what we are putting ourselves through and can't bear the idea of more disappointment).Our Consultant has been wonderful-very up front and realistic.I am nearly 40 so we know our chances are slim at best. We have decided that financially and emotionally we cannot keep on doing this indefinitely and, as anyone who has joined the IVF bandwagon, the hardest thing in the world is to WALK AWAY...

I am in good health and in a positive( but tentative) frame of mind.Ain't it hard to be hopeful and realistic at the same time. Talking to people I know in RL about it is not helpful to me at all. Family are full of dread or misguided expectations and some friends can't understand why having a baby is so important anyway.( best avioded for the next 2 months)Someone even asked me why I was punishing myself.

So, Friday coming, giving up the drink and the coffee and the odd fag and starting to munch copious quantities of spinach and watercress and folate in abundance. Last few times i have tried to replace my vices with treats( suggestions gratefully recieved!) I have packed in the stressful all hours job too, for now. A decision based on past experience of the IVF rollercoaster, as the hormones make me knackered and on occasions a complete bitch.
Apart from this i don't have a fully formed survival plan and hope that the days will drift by rather than drag.

[StarryEyed]

Hey wishmeluck

All the best. I can't imagine what you must be going through but all of us will be here for you to talk to - best way really

[hunkermunker]

Good luck good luck good luck! Loads of babydust to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lottielou]

Hi All.
Just wanted to pop in from "TTC after a M/C No 2 let the fun begin thread" and say the very best of luck to you. Tons and tons of baby dust for you hun. x

[MINNIE1]

wishmeluck,
The very best wishes to you.

xxxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxx x*x
Sticky baby dust to you...

[compo]

More baby dust to you and lots of luck xxx
xxxxxx
xxxxx
xxxx*x
xxxx
xxx
xx

[AngelCakeUmm]

I wish you all the luck in the world
Stay positive and i send you lots of baby dust and sticky glue.

[wishmeluck]

thanks lovely people with baby dust. I am a picture of positivity
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but, haven't started the hormones yet..............

[catgirl]

I wish you luck!

[bubbly1973]

wishmeluck, i just wanted to add my good luck wishes to you too...heres me feeling sorry formyself that i may only have the one child through fertility treatment, (trying for second baby failed on my first treatment last month)....reading posts like yours really does bring me back down to earth and makes me realise i should be greatful

i wish you so much luck, all the luck in the world, you are doing the right thing, i think as a couple who want children if you dont try everything you will always wonder,.... if you try all that you can then at least you can say you give it a go, and hopefully you will have a beautiful baby at the end of this

so once again, all the best of luck, will keep my eye on this thread, xxxxxxxx

[soreboobs]

All the very bst for s successful treatment,lots of babydust coming your way xxxxxxxx

[wishmeluck]

Just has an awful night filled with anxiety. Could'nt sleep a wink. Dh is in great form as he has just had a promotion and will have new staff starting next week. i am feeling pleased for him ,but annoyed that this seems to be more important than the ICSI tratment we are about to start. We have an appointment on Friday to collect al my medication and he actually said that because of staff training he did'nt think he would be able to come. i just lost my temper big time. He of course thinks i am over reacting( again_) and didn' we really need the money to pay off our loan?I feel really unsupported and sad that this is not at the top of his list of priorities.I am so exhausted today and feel like my positivity has been shot down in flames.
I don't think i am being unreasonable. i just think that because we have been through this before , he is opting out of the responsiblty of it. I am so tearful and feel really vulnerable. i know most of this is me being nervous of doing this again, but the idea of having to take all the responsibility for it is wearing me down. Don't know what to say to him to make him understand how difficult this is for me.

[bubbly1973]

wishmeluck as hard as this all is for you (and believe me i know what you are going through) this is also a big strain (emotionally and financially) on your dh too

if im completely honest, when i first read your post i thought 'wow, your lucky to be able to do all those treatments' my dh would have stopped well before getting through icsi which i believe is about £7000.

when i went to pick up my meds i didnt even think of dh coming along with me.

we are all very different and i appreciate that emotionally you are at the end of your tether as if icsi dont work then thats about it with regards to all the fertility treatments but you must remember that what you feel as important your dh may not

your dh may think its as important as you to get pregnant, and to support you, but he may not think its that important to come along with you to pick up your meds

like i say i didnt think it a big deal for my dh to come with me to pick up my meds, and to be honest if i expected him to come he would have thought i was joking


im sorry if this isnt what you wanted to hear, but sometimes when we are very emotional every little thing seems like a massive huge deal and if i wrote a post to totally agree with you and say your dh is insensitve etc etc (which i dont think he is) then that would be like pouring fuel onto the fire, making things much worse

arguing or feeling angry towards your dh is not good and you know that, but right now he is the nearest and easiest to be angry at but he cant show his frustrations at you and is keeping those feelings inside probably, so give him some slack

i hope i havent offended you

[wishmeluck]

hey bubbly, thanks for your message. All is well at camp wishmeluck today.I think lack of sleep and anxiety about hugeness of thing really hit me the other day. Dh was also feeling stressed(as you suggested) and we have both taken a big deep breath and calmed down now.By the way no offence taken at all and thanks for the straight talk. Things get so easily out of proportion sometimes its better not to look at everything at the same time (expense, time involved, commitment,age, success rate, possibility of birth defetcts)I guess I have to stop reading probability ( which would frighten the pants off you)statisics.It is good to have a place to vent online.
Anyway, Dh is now coming as has been summoned for another semen sample. Sorry- I don't feel sorry for him one bit!

Bubbly - I am so pleased to hear that you had a successful round of IVF and also so sorry that your last treatment failed.( as did mine which resulted in a delayed miscarriage in March)I always said that i would not get into that thing of never knowing when to stop, and thus we are on the last go. i offer my utmost respect to you for walking away. I hope i have as much strength as you if the time comes.

[bubbly1973]

wishmeluck. im glad you never got offended and im pleased to read all is well with you both now

hope all goes well tomorrow, now that the ball is finally rolling you will feel heaps better im sure

there are lots of worries, i still feel them for me now, sometimes i think if i could only be happy with just the one child i wouldnt have to go through all the treatment, then if pregnant, worry i will miscarry and if not miscarry worry that the baby will be healthy etc etc

i havent walked away quite yet from the road to ttc, i feel very down, i dont feel i have the right to moan to you and say anything since i have the one child, and you dont even have one and i know how much you would love one, me and dh have agreed to do 3 iui's (2 iui's left) if they dont work and im not pregnant dh told me i have to go back on the pill and accept the fact we only have one child because he is fed up of putting his life on hold (it works out i been with dh 14 years and over half that time we been ttc)

im gutted that he has decided to stop, but i must remember i have the one child, and if i put my foot down and say i wont go on the pill then that could comprimise our relationship but i will cross the bridge nearer the time

i wish you the best of luck and i truly genuinly hope you get pregnant this time round
good luck once again
xxx
ps keep in touch and let us know how you get on, as i will always wonder if you dont
thanks

[wishmeluck]

so sorry you are feeling down at the moment, bubbly. i really hope it gets better for you. Getting past a miscarriage is dreadful. You must feel so alone sometimes.I hope your Dp is supportive and that he is thinking of you ( and the pain of going on)when he says he wants to stop. i would hate to think you had been forced into it- which would be too awful.
i relly hope that your child gives you big heaps of joy. Look after yourself and big hugs.

[ladymuck]

Just joining to wish you luck!