Completely unscientific poll for over 30s TTC

[longwee]

Over on the mid 30s TTC thread we have been gnashing our collective teeth at the swathe of recent reports saying how couples have delayed trying for a baby till their 30s and then come up against problems due to age. A lot of such reports identify 'career women' as the reason for delaying TTC. While this is no doubt true in a lot of cases, we have noticed that none of us have ever seen an article that says men might want to stop acting like overgrown teenagers, man up, and darn well make sure they commit to a woman before the age of 30 - but our collective experience indicates that it is sometimes our menfolk who are less keen to get down to business of committing to a woman or to starting a family.

Now I?m not starting a man-bashing thread, but I am interested in people?s reasons for delaying TTC past 30. Was it wanting to see the world, focusing on your career, finding the right man, getting him to commit, or not being sure yourselves?

I?ll start... in my case I have never been in a rush to have babies as I?ve taken a long time to be convinced about the idea, so it was pretty much my own choice. Plus there was the issue of finding the right fella, who didn?t turn up till I was 32 (although admittedly I wasn?t looking very hard...)

Anyone else?

Skidoodle has hit the nail on the head for me regards communication - if there is one thing Ive learnt during the last four years of misunderstandings and heated 'discussions' its that being more open about what you want may be hard in the short term but may avoid heartache later on. Also, I look back on my twenties as fun times (!) but perhaps I should have been thinking a bit more about my/our future.

But to bring that back to the initial question of 'does more emphasis need to be placed on men delaying parenthood rather than the 'media' view of career-hungry bee-hatches who are selfish blah blah blah' I would have to say that yes, it does need highlighting. My DH is a biologist, has a full and thorough understanding of the reasons not to delay TTC and yet the years keep on passing us by. His opinion is that some men just dont feel the same biological urge to procreate as women, at any age. While I enjoy a nature/nurture discussion as much as the next gal, I cant help wishing he would be more, well, proactive!

Purlease. You ain't even seen sarcastic and withering from me.

And as for being personal - who's the one getting all handbags-at-dawn over the Mid 30s TTC gals?

Skidoodle you might be right about me and lottie both coming from the same place but getting wires crossed, as I banged on in my first comment about how women are not holding men up to high enough standards, etc., etc.

Honeypetal - spot on.

Come to the Gin Palace, you two!

Fuck me - and they say UK comedy is no longer funny?

Ponymum Wow! A genuine CEO - now that, I am impressed with. I think a lot of us have "good jobs" but we're not changing the world.

Dislaimer: I don't boast enough - other people clearly think they're the dog's nuts.

If the 'Wimmin's Studies' thing is a dig at me then get it right - I have a MASTER'S Degree in Women's Studies and Critical Theory. Nice opining that Feminists must be shrill, hysterical and biased though. And I don't think Ski would like you to accuse her attacks of being 'thinly-veiled' - there's no need to insult her totally unveiledness.

As for accusing us of being bitchy then coming out with that faux-sweet last line... shameful. Now go away.

I agree with Ponymum - for me being in a stable happy marriage was more important than having children, and I was prepared to wait for the right man and risk not becoming a mum, rather than marry in haste and end up in an unhappy marriage or divorced. Sure, lots of people get married in their 20's and are perfectly happy, but I have to say that among my family and friends, all those who got married in their early 20's got divorced. I'M NOT SAYING PEOPLE WHO MARRY YOUNG ARE MORE LIKELY TO DIVORCE, please don't shoot me in flames - just that I had lots of examples around me of people who married in haste and repented at leisure.
Re the fertility tests: my main concern would be that it could make some women complacent. Those tests would not pick up all the problems - they would not pick up issues that cause recurrent mc for example. Women might do them, think "Oh, it's OK, I've got years" and then find out 5 years on that they can't conceive or keep losing their babies. The fact is that waiting is always a gamble, test or no test. Ultimately we cannot control fertility.

I will add at the risk of sounding horribly smug (OK, I AM sounding smug) that DH does most of the housework. At the moment I do the childcare because I'm on maternity leave but when I return to work DH is going to take a career break to look after DS. So DH was definitively worth waiting for. But yes it did take me 10 years to find him.

My OH does all the housework - I tend not to let him loose in the kitchen often because I'm not a fan of jam & cheeto sarnies.

I'll agree with mouette who was apparently, more eloquent than me! There are very few of my contemporaries married in their 20s who are still together - of those who are? Few seem genuinely happy.

As stated previously, I chose not to become a statistic, either a teenage mum or a single mum (via abandonment).

Hullo all,

My reasons for delaying TTC - never even thought about it/was never an option till late 20s, was single most of the time anyway.

Then decided to go and work in the back of beyond for a few years (thus reducing all man chances to slightly above zero (I'm picky)). Still remember talking to an older lady about it and her saying, hmm,, let's see, you're 26 now, if you go for four years, that'll make you , ooh, 30, 31, hmm, not toooo late.

Didn't really realise what she was on about but of course do now. Weird how you think you're semi-immortal when you're in your twenties.

Anyhow, am now with lovely DH and doing our best to make up for lost time..!

Oh skihorse, let me assure you it was hardly changing the world! In fact if it hadn't been for DH the two years I spent as a CEO would count among the worst in my life. Glamourous and powerful it ain't (although you have to do your best to make it look that way ).

mouette I think I agree, and nearly mentioned my observations on the early marriage thing. I actually had quite a number of friends who married in their very early 20s. I was so jealous and sad every time another friend had a wedding. But I have done a quick add up in my head. Just over half got divorced within 5-8 years, and the rest are still together. So as we all turned 30 most of us were back in the same boat - single and childless - only I felt quite relieved that I hadn't gone through the heartache that the others had on the way.

Yup, my friends who are of a similar age are either on their second marriage or got married for the first time quite recently. I only know two couples who married really young and are still together - don't know if they're really happy though, lots of arguments! In my parents' generation though loads of people got married early and are still together and happy. I think it's more a matter of attitude than anything else - I was so not ready to get married when I was in my twenties, still had a lot of growing up to do!

"Now I?m not starting a man-bashing thread, but I am interested in people?s reasons for delaying TTC past 30. Was it wanting to see the world, focusing on your career, finding the right man, getting him to commit, or not being sure yourselves"

I didn't really start wanting a family until I was in my mid 30s. Me and my EX (we got together when I was 25 and still a virgin) bought a house when I was about 31 or 32 and even though it was a 3 bedroom house and his mother made noises about how one of them could be a nursery I still didn't want kids at that point.

Things started to go very wrong in our relationship when I was about 35. I talked to him about having kids and he was always 'next year, next year', he was quite a heavy drinker. I was very upfront and said that if my desire for children ever became more important that my desire to be with him then I would leave if he was unprepared to have children.

At about 36 I met someone new (he was the catalyst for my very bad relationship ending) who wanted kids and so I split with my ex. I had to live with my EX in our house for 10 months while we waited it to sell, this delayed any baby making and anyway I really wouldn't have just started trying immediately with new man (Now my husband) so it wasn't until I was 37 that we were able to start trying.

2 years later here I am, still trying.

I have only had 2 sexual relationships in my life. I have been pregnant twice. I have not had children yet.

oh - ps, a career was never my reason for not wanting kids in my 20s and 30s. I just didn't really want any and then when I did the person I was with didn't want to try.

Hi all,

well for me and Hubby bit different I guess... we have been together since I was 17, I am now 31, and to be honest he has always wanted to be a dad and been the one to mention and I have always wanted to wait... not necessarily due to career but more because I had a vision in my head of wanting things to be "perfect". Perfect house, financial stability, perfect weight... you get the picture.

At 31 I guess I have finally realised what he has been saying all along. Things are never "perfect" and that if we keep waiting it could be too late. So we have been TTC for only about 7 weeks, after I am came to this point of understanding the things that make me happy (and it didn't include material things as much as it used to) plus we have done a lot of travelling so we are finally "ready"...

I do think theres a lot in the media etc painting a rosey picture of how easy it is to become a mum when you are older, (celebs etc) when I guess once you start reading up/looking into it you know that sadly isn't true...

Good luck everyone x

Much like everyone else here, I didn't meet the right man (in fact the only man, as I never had any serious relationship until then) until late - I was 36. DH is 4 years younger than me and though we discussed it early on and yes he did want children, he didn't want to try til we were married so I was 38 when we started TTC - this despite me pushing and dire warnings from mother/sister/cousin about waiting too long, as if I didn't know. It's not me that needed convincing as I've been broody since age 30. During this time I've had a good career, but in the grand scheme of things it's just a job and I'm just a cog in the big corporate wheel. I certainly wasn't striving for a top job at the expense of all else - in fact many a night did I wish I had a family to come back home to.

After a bad patch - 1 MC, 1 baby lost at 21 wks & another MC - HURRAH I had DS1 at 40 and now DS2 at 42. Despite various gyne problems had no medical intervention although we were about to head down that route and yes I've had those depresssing sit-downs with the doctor & fertility charts that wrenches your guts. I had the most depressing 40th birthday (despite my lovely DH) then the following month fell pg - maybe it was getting that dreaded milestone behind me that helped?

Ideally I'd have wanted 3 DC but DH only wants 2 and I think I've probably run my luck at this point. If I were younger though I would push the issue.

I realise I am extremely lucky and adore my DC, they are all the more precious. I do think DH didn't realise how much of a chance we were taking leaving it so late, the fact he's younger than me and his own father had kids relatively late (with a much younger wife) probably contributed. He just wasn't ready before then, and frustrating as it is you can't force it to happen. Thank goodness we did finally get going, I think once we ran into problems he did realise what it meant to me and that it wasn't going to be straightforward. Men... guess they've been brainwashed too that falling pg happens easily and instantly, an education campaign would help there and I share everyone's frustration with all these articles blaming 'career women' and never once pinpointing men's reluctance to enter parenthood.

On a related note, I read the Guardian article last weekend. There was a chart (not there on the online edition) giving a breakdown of reasons for infertility, I don't remember the exact numbers but what stood out for me was that there were equal odds (1/3 each?) of the problems being due to the father vs the mother. And yet all the focus / publicity seems to be on 'female' issues, blocked ducts etc. Again this fact should be more widely known and may help in getting men to take more ownership of the issue.

I got married to DH when I was 30 (he was 40) and we are now ttc #1. Had a mmc at the end of June. We are very hopeful and I always remember my parent's experience for a boost!

My Mam got to her late 20's with no sign of a husband in sight . In the 60's she was seen as a burden on her parents and even considered becoming a Nun but my grandfather told her to go see the world first and then make her decision! She was travelling Australia aged 34 when she met and married my Dad... she came back home and had her first child at 35, and had my 6th sibling at 45! Yes, 7 children in 10 years!

I thought I was following in my Mam's footsteps... I was enjoying life as a singleton.... the right man never came along for me until I met dh and am very very happy now!

It turn's out we are struggling ttc but I know that there's solutions out there for everyone so am not letting myself get down!!

Basically, i'm just trying to say that it just goes to show that it is possible later in life and that there is hope for everyone no matter the age!