I am so in limbo with my situation

[lostitoday]

Hi
I am almost 2 and a half years down the line in ttc and now I am stuck in limbo not having a clue what to do and I am starting to hate my life for dealing me this cruel blow.
All of the time I have been ttc I have suffered from irregular periods sometimes even going 3 and 4 months without any.
I did test after test hoping for a bfp only to consistently get bfn's.
I was diagnosed with hypothyrodism 2years ago which was pinpointed as a possible cause for the errtaic periods.
I got myself very worked up during this time fretting in case of early menopasue I was 37 when I started ttc so I knew that time wasn,t on my side.
I was attending an infertilityt clinic who to be honest I never thought much off but they did diagnose me with premature ovarian failure last October and they did this by asking me to atke a month of hrt as they said that hrt switches off the pitutiary gland and stops it hammering the ovaries with fsh to try abd spur them into action.
I was told that after this rest the ovaries can sometimes start functioning again.
My periods did come back for 3 months after that and a day 21 test showed that I had ovulated.
I was told to take a month of hrt whenever my periods stop to try and spur the ovaries into action again.
Now 9 months down the line my periods are now non existent and the hrt no longer brongs them back.
I was told at the infertility clinic that if the hrt no longer ever brings my periods back then that would show me as being in menopause.
I went back to see them at the infertility clinic and the attitude was that thye cannot diagnose me as menopausel until I have gone two years without periods.
I was told that I am jumping onto the hrt too quickly and that I am not giving the ovaries a chance to work.
I was told to stay off hrt for two months and then get my hormone levels tested again and if they show menopausel then to go on hrt permanently.
They have washed Of me and have more or less said that there is no point in me coming back to them becasue there is nothing that they can do for me.
I feel so hurt as last october the one consultant I saw was very hopeful for me due to the fact that the hrt had brought back my periods and the day 21 test showed that I had ovulated and told me I still have a chance naturally.
I don,t know whether I still have that chance or not and as I am not having periods at the moment how can I even begin to know when I can possibly become pregant.
I suppose I need to know if there is still hope or if it is a definate no no so that I can lay all of this to rest.
Am I truly menopausel with no eggs left or is there anything they can do to make me ovulate again.
Please help me decide which way to go I want you to be honest shoudl I pursue or just throw in the towel and accept that I am most likely truly menopausel with no hope of any more dc's.
I have had to seek counselling for my difficulty in dealing with this and my counsellor thinks that I need to get the answers I need to move on.

I don't know you but if you were a friend of mine the question I would ask is: if you spent another year on this and didn't conceive - would you regret having spent the time?

If the clinics won't see you and you can't get pregnant without them it would seem to me to be a fait accompli - unless you can afford to spend thousands seeing private consultants with a very low chance of success, I don't see as you can continue treatment.

You can of course continue hoping and you never do know what will happen.

Have you considered other options - adoption, fostering?

How do your other children feel about it? What about your partner? They know you better than anyone on here.

I'm sorry you have gone through so much without a good outcome. I hope you can find peace of mind in the years to come.

Hi Lostit.....so sorry to hear of your situation. Is there any way you could take your file to be seen by a private consultant if not just for the peace of mind that you left no stone unturned? I think you need an expert (and a second opinion) who is going to spend time to go over your case and tell you whether or not you have hope. A simple consultation need not cost thousands of pounds more like 200.

Thank you I simply have not got the money to go anywhere with this its so frustrating and heartbreaking.
My dp also doesn,t feel the need for another dc he thinks we are okay as we are I have one ds of 8.
Its difficult because even if I did have the money I can,t pursue without dp's support anyway.
I know I should get my hormone levels tested again about now but can,t face the results as I know they are bound to confirm this is a hopeless situation.
I know that my counsellor finds me a difficult case because she doesn,t have the medical knowledge and she admitted to this, but she does think that the being stuck in limbo is of no good for my emotional state and thinks I should try and get a definate no no if at al possible.
For one can,t they offer me an AMH test anything that will tell me what ovarian reserve I have.
I sought an opinion recently off an online specialist who said that pof is not due to lack of eggs but is simply due to the ovaries not fucntioning.
He also did say that he suggests high dose fsh injections along with IVF.
I know that I probably can,t go any further with this unless I have hundreds to spend which I don,t.
Oh god I hate my life right now.
I don,t think I would regret spending the time on this chocolate although I do know that I probably just let it go now and I have tried to and some days I think I am doing better but then the horrible feelings come back of despair, anger, feeling bitter etc.
I will continue to hope but its horrible ttc when you don,t know what your body is doing.
Anyway I am sorry for rambling and for this going on so long.
Thanks for your support.

The thing is though - even if you had FSH injections with IVF, if you are past the point at which you are producing enough hormones to support a pregnancy, it will fail anyway and you'd end up going through all that only to miscarry.

I think, you already know that it's over and you have to say goodbye to that hope and I know that is going to take time (I'm still trying to get over the fact that I won't have any more kids and I am lucky enough to have two of my own).

If you don't feel your counsellor is right for you (or indeed if she doesn't feel able to help) find another one.

Or talk to other people in your situation try here

I hope you get to a point where you can accept the place you are at the minute and find happiness.