TTC after miscarriage- a rant about a missed oportunity as the TTC insanity witch returns to the fold.

[Thandeka]

Okay I know if I posted this on AIBU I would get lots of YABU's so thought would post here where you can stroke my hair and say YABU but you know that and that's what TTC does to you.

Okie coke had an MMC 26 days ago at 10 weeks pregnant (embryo died at 7weeks) (We were TTC for 6months and were very suprised it happened then). MW said was fine to try again this month and we decided to as figured best way to feel normal again was to get pregnant again as quickly as possible. So have been actively trying (and just enjoying each other) since about day 9 of my "new cycle". Cut to day 26 (today) am ovulating. All signs are there- peak on OPK's, temp low this morn but at usual post ov temp this eve, high soft open cervix and some EWCM (I don't get much so have to rely on other indicators). Now I am one of those annoying women who tell their DH when they are ovulating. Yes I know the arguments for not and not making it about babymaking. In my defence have been doing it for years before we were even TTC as part of my degree was reproductive physiology and am just fascinated by it all.

Anyhow I apprached DH seductively (well okay it was more "fancy a shag" but hey ho)this eve and was rebuffed. But okay figured we would get some in before we went to sleep. He has only bloody well gone to sleep at 9pm!!! He knew what day it was and he bloody well knew the dealio! Bah! So now no chance of trying tonight which is kind of a crucial time and I am all cross and upset- not only with DH but also for turning back into the TTC insanity witch again (but worse!). My rational brain knows it is not the end of the world if we don't have sex tonight (and to be honest am so moody I don't want to anyway) but all the miscarrage grief and stuff has come up and I am so upset that I can't sleep (especially not in same room as slumbering DH) so I needed to offlaod on here.

In his defence he is tired has been working fulltime since it happens whereas i have been off sick and then on phased return, and also I suspect there may be an element to him not wanting to try incase it happens again- but I need to be told those things and actually have a discussion about it for us to work through it together which I can't if he is asleep.

Bah bah bah.

Okay rant over. (and a p.s would it be unreasonable to take a large needle to his testicles and get the stuff I need.......?

That last bit is a joke by the way!

[HappyBump]

Oh I sooooo hear you! Poor you, it's so frustrating. I was in tears each time my DH rebuffed me over the last week or so. Mine somehow thinks we should just go for it when the mood takes "us"... however, I guess I am always up for it and he never rarely is (we have a DS and I've had 2 mc's so he must be up for it sometimes). It's so good you have such a clear understanding of your body. I don't have a clue yet. I am going to invest in some opks.

I just wanted send you some ((())) and tell you that you are not going this alone.

[Thandeka]

okay well this morning I infomed DH I was pissed off with him and he had no clue why! I had to tell him! Men! But on the flipside looks like ovulation is happening today (another peak on OPK and temp although risen slightly is not the significant rise I usually get) so at least we are still in with the chance and will grab him all weekend and try and be seductive about it this time!

Oh and Happybump- best thing to do is invest in Taking Charge of your fertility by Toni Weschler and look on this website www.fertilityuk.org/nfpsa.html#contactsslug for your local NFP (natural family planning) teacher where you can get free lessons. (The rest of that website is pretty helpful good too). You can download paper charts from there but I also use fertilityfriend website as the online chart keeps a record of all your cycles and uses the data to predict ovulation etc. Sounds a bit of a faff but once you get into the swing of it its dead easy (but to go for overkill I also use persona- but it sometimes misses my ovulation as its irregular so temping is best to make sure it has happened.)

[Caitni]

Thandeka - I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about your MC but I'm glad that you feel ready to ttc again. Glad to hear you're still in with a chance this month - I hope you get a BFP quickly (and my DH knows all about my ov too - in fact I've recently stopped temping and he kind of misses the whole beep beep morning routine )

HappyBump, I second Thandeka's recommendation of Taking Charge of Your Fertility - it's excellent and really explains how to be in tune with your body. I just wish I'd discovered it when I was 13 not 30 as it demystifies the whole menstrual cycle so well!

[MaisieBoo]

Just wanted to send lots of hugs Thandeka. Great that you feel ready TTC again. I've had 3 AF visits since MMC in Feb and started TTC last month. Really struggled to get back to work, am now on third attempt but feel like panicing when I get there and feel I'm going to pass out - strange I know, hope this passes soon.

[YanknCock]

TTC does bring out the crazy, doesn't it? Never mind, we understand here!

DH and I were incredibly surprised when I got pregnant again on the 3rd cycle after my MC. We hadn't even had sex that close to ovulation (3 days before), and due to my PCOS I never ovulate the same day month to month (if I do at all). It took a year for me to get pregnant the first time, so we were expecting a long wait.

I suggest planning something in the next few months where it would be inconvenient to be in the early stages of pregnancy. I was sick/nauseous all through our wedding and honeymoon!

[Thandeka]

that was part of my pissed offness at DH as first cycles after MC are supposed to be "more fertile" although evidence for this is conflicting.

Maisie Boo- so sorry to hear about your loss. The panicking doesn't sound good- have you had any counselling? I got 6 free sessions through my work- occupational health refferred me and has been brill for a good old rant. I teach sex ed and pregnancy and baby and child development so work is EVIL at the mo!

xxx

[Joolsiam]

Thandeka - sympathy and empathy here as I've had exactly the same issues, and frustrations over failure to BD.

I think men get more affected than we realise by miscarriage and my DP simply wanted to avoid me hurting again ... In my case, trying to ignore TTC talk altogether and give him some time helped

[MaisieBoo]

Understand how you feel about work. Have been referred to Occ Health and they've been great. Don't think it helps that I work at the hospital where I had the scans and ERPC, although not in the same dept. Am now on phased return and have some great friends at work so hopefully will be ok this time.
DH was great after mc but then spent 2 months saying he felt cold all the time, think it was just his way of dealing with our loss. He's much better now though.

[Thandeka]

Bah so I thought we didnt miss the chance but this morning fertility friend says Thursday was ovulation day because I got my 3 temps above the 6 (will prob make sense to tempers!) so we did miss it. So now I get to be mad at DH again.

Friday's dalliance was late eve (so prob too late) and saturdays TWO dalliances were a waste of time albeit fun. Bah!

[MaisieBoo]

At least you had some fun!

[HeadFairy]

Thandeka, ttc drives normal sane women bonkers so I will happily stroke your hair and say there there

Sorry you missed your ov... fwiw, I'm fairly sure the increased fertility straight after an mc is a bit of a myth. The mw I've seen twice at the EPU and who scanned me after both of my mcs said there's no evidence really, its more likely to be that people try extra hard after a mc to get the timing right. I'm fairly certain I can't get pg straight after a mc as both times I've had really strong ov pains for days, so uncomfortable I can't walk sometimes, and despite really making sure we bd at the right time I've not managed to get pg in my first cycle after a mc. However, I have managed to get pg the following cycle after that... twice.

Here's to next month, onward and upward

[Thandeka]

Hi Headfairy- thanks for the headstroke! My ov pains have been awful this month (although post ov) so interesting you had this too.

Ack at the end of the day (and other cliches) I'm just glad I ovulated and I either get my period in the next two weeks which for me is a good thing shows everything getting back to normal and I will feel more normal again- or I get up the duff again and all the knickerchecking that goes with that. So either way I'm a winner this month. (so in a way this month will be only month I will actually be vaguely happy to get AF!)

Am probably handing my notice in on 31st and AF due on 28th so if it doesn't come and I do get a BFP then I won't be handing in my notice as I need the mat benefits. I never thought I would base job decisions based on my bloody (ha!) menstrual cycle.

[HeadFairy]

I was told not to ttc the first month as it makes dating hard. Of course I ignored them totally and went for it anyway, but I did console myself with "oh well if I do get pg next cycle then I can be teachers pet and say we dutifully avoided ttc the cycle after mc!"

Good luck for this month. I would say hand your notice in beforehand, because sod's law you'll be pg. I tried for 18 months to get pg first time and I finally thought f* it, I'm going to apply for a really inappropriate job I can't possibly do pregnant, and lo and behold a) got the job b) had to blushingly admit I couldn't start when they wanted me to as I was pg. Luckily they put the job on hold for me.

I'm 8 weeks pg at the moment but haven't had viability scan yet so yesterday I rather rashly applied for a 6 month contract with the same department again doing a job I can't possibly do pregnant, which hopefully will tempt fate to make everything turn out all right with the scan. Then I'll have to blushingly admit to the same manager that I'm withdrawing my application as I'm pg again (might suggest he wants to hold the contract over until I return from mat leave )

Go on, throw caution to the wind (only kidding, baby and no money = not funny!)

[Thandeka]

Yeah it was sods law last time when I got pregnant as due date was in middle of DH's final exams so was looking like I would be labouring alone! So I sooo know I will hand in my notice and hey presto be up the duff.

My MW said I could try this month and since I temp and "know" (as much as you can) when I ovulate then to date a pregnancy you just add two weeks to the date since ovulation if that makes sense? So although ovulation was day 26 if you get pregnant you pretend it was day 14 and minus 12 days from any dating.

When I got pregnant last time I ovulated on day 24 (so not much later this post mmc month!)- 10 days "late" putting my pregnancy a week and a half behind what they were expecting. So in that way I am glad I know when I ovulate as I could make sure they know the "proper" dates rather than the menstrual cycle dates, and didn't panic me with "oooooh you aren't as far along as we expect".

[HeadFairy]

Well exactly, to be honest when I ov'd after each mc it was so blooming obvious to me that I would have had no problem dating the pg either!

You could try booking a really expensive inappropriate holiday for a couple of weeks before your potential due date... clubbing in Ibiza, climbing Mount Everest, finding the source of the Nile

[Thandeka]

does it really annoy you when medical professionals do that sniff and raised eyebrow thing when you tell them you KNOW when you ovulate!? Maybe I just sound wrong when I say it, but all the doctors and midwives have been like "yeah right" but not said it in words just body language- it drives me mad! (Am tempted to take them a sample of EWCM next time, my pissed on OPK and all my charts to prove it )

Yeah I think the only way to do it is to make sure it is the worst possible time ever. So right Feb 2010 erm I think I will plan on handing my masters dissertation in then.

[HeadFairy]

The "I know better than you attitude" doesn't stop there you know. I had a real job convincing the midwives my ds was breech. They didn't believe me but I knew I was getting kicked in my cervix, they said it was his hands. Well if it had been his hands then he'll be the next Evander Holyfield! Oh wasn't I smug when I finally got a scan at 38 weeks and hey presto, one breech baby. Footling breech at that (hence my bruised cervix!)

[Thandeka]

Oh crumbs- he tapdancing rather than handstands on your cervix sounds painful! (Then again handstands don't sound too much fun either!).

Bruised cervix sounds like a great gothrock band name- or is that just me!

Right am 5 days post ov and 7 days (well probably 8) til period due and obsessively comparing my current chart to my pregnant one (it looks NOTHING like it). The month I fell was also the month I had the highest ever recorded temps (and a tri phasic chart) I have a theory on that in that it was a really good big egg that left a big corpus luteum with lots of heat producing progesterone hence higher temps. I have no clue whether science would back me up on this. But anyhow my post ov temps this cycle are the same (36.5) as my pre ov temps last cycle (the pregnant one) so I must have cooled down somewhat since then! That'll be the darn cold uterus my accupuncturist will tell me!

Off to the docs in a sec to check for post MC infection as I possibly had one last week but cleared it myself using my stash of fanjo infection clearing products the doctor lets me stockpile as she was sick of swabbing my fanjo! Poor love - she gets another glimpse of the fabulous Thandeka fanjo today- its possibly her 100th visit to it- shall I put glitter on it and have a lit candle coming out to celebrate?! Maybe not. (You know how I said the TTC insanity had hit me- maybe this post is indicative of that. Oh dear!)