Torn between a family and a career.

[loopylou2]

I have been on here just a few times before and this post is scarily similar to my last one.

Boyfriend and I live in an over-priced area of London and are both fairly new (about 6 months) into jobs that we love. Both of our jobs are giving us amazing work experience and furthering our career. My job has already started forking out for additional training for me.

We have been broody for about a year, and we actually moved into this overpriced rental flat with 2 bedrooms so we would be better placed to start a family- only to discover that the flat costs so much money to run we could NEVER afford to have a child while we live here. (and dont want to raise children in London anyway)

Boyfriend would happily quit his job, up sticks and move to the countryside tomorrow. We have a plan to return to the town where I grew up which would be a lovely place to raise children- however I have been putting this off, saying "let's do it next year" as I really love my job right now.

So on one hand I want to stay in London working for the next year or so. On the other hand I came off the pill 2-3 months ago and we have been ... not ttc, but seeing what happens (nothing yet, and whenever I get a period I feel disappointed)

I recently saw on a social networking site that a friend who lives in the countryside is expecting a baby in Oct 09. And I'm really happy for her, but the jealousy I feel is overwhelming. She is living in the town I want to live in, she is so happy to be expecting a baby, none of this struggling to afford to live business and she has her family and friends all living nearby.

I just realised that I'm giving myself mixed messages- working hundreds of miles away from my family and friends in the countryside. Living in London and not guarding against pregnancy. Its just a mess.

I'm just so unsure as to what to do with my life. everything else could be perfect if I give up my job- but it's the best job I've ever had. On the other side, I really want to have children and I'm 24, I want to get started on the family while I'm still fairly young.

I just don't know what to do, is anybody able to offer any advice.

My current idea is that I just carry on as usual here in London and then when I get pregnant, we quit work and move to the country then. Although that seems a lot like leaving things to chance and is really disorganised. Boyfriend and I are actually planning for when we have a baby and we don't want to be in a crazy spontaneous rush when things do eventually happen. Well we arte planning for a baby but are unable to save up any money, and thats the important bit isn't it?

This is just driving me crazy! Does anybody out there understand?

I would take every opportunity your job gives you for experience and training.
Do not take it for granted and think of it this way - every bit of training and experience will help you later when you have children.
It means your options for working (or not) will be wider when you do have your child/children.
Also, don't underestimate the costs of childcare as a barrier to returning to work (if that is what you want to do.) Many of us fall into a bracket where we do not qualify for financial help with childcare but do not earn enough to make working worthwhile. Have you thought about this?

You need to think beyond 'wanting a baby,' and think seriously about things long term.

If I were you, I would rent a cheaper flat, throw myself into work for a few years, get to myself to a position where I have decent maternity leave/pay and prospects for flexible working when (if) I return.

Alternatively do you think you could easily pick up your career after a baby (or two?)Do you have understanding relatives to help with childcare?

Thanks Smallorange. It was as I was writing that I started to think about moving to a cheaper smaller flat- I've got to give that some serious though.

I have no family members who live local to me- they are all about 200 miles away.

I was 30 when I had my first child - and I was desperate for a baby so I understand the feeling - but I wish I had thought more about what would happen afterwards.

I am a SAHM and am expecting DC3 in July. My time at home with the kids has been very, very happy. But if your career is important to you, you need have things in place to make sure you don't lose it.

As it is, I will have to retrain for a more 'child friendly' career when this new baby is 12 months old.

We need a double income to support the kids and give them what they need in terms of education (university) etc.

I can only speak from my experience and there are many other views on this as you will see from the many working mum/SAHM spats on mumsnet!

i would also think that if you're renting, looking for a cheaper flat is the answer. if you're planning to move out when you have a child, then there's no point in keeping the bigger place now?

it can easily take 2-3 months for the pill to stop affecting your system, so you really shouldn't worry yet. in fact, for me it was at least 6 months before my system settled down again after coming off the pill.

i know the frustration of wanting to do a job well & succeed v having a child. in fact, i found the stress of trying to do both properly was almost impossible. recently, my whole life has changed, i'm now a SAHM, and much happier, although i occassionally remember the 'joy' of my career, but seriously, working can wait, dd will grow up & move on, work will always be there.

just think, you CAN have a career at 50. you CAN'T have children then.

would you be able to do your job outside of london? perhaps, once you've been in yor job for a year or more, you could consider moving back to your home town. if it's cheaper to live there & you have family, it would be easier to combine children & career.

just think, lying on your death bed, do you want to think, 'i'm glad i got that promotion when i was in my 20s' or 'I'm glad i had kids when i was in my 20s'?

just think, you CAN have a career at 50. you CAN'T have children then.

I think that's a really good point - my own mum worked from age 16 to when she had me at about 25, was SAHM until youngest sibling went to school when she worked p/t during school hours, was always home for us though, once we were all in high school then she started a new career, and just these past five years (we're all now in our 20s) has progressed in that career, got a degree and is now deputy manager and doubled her earning in about 2years, and loving it, so she's done both career and family, and probably has at least 10 years of her career ahead of her as long as she is fit and healthy.

I'm in a similar position to you, year or two older. I think big message for me has been don't panic - it's ok to wait a year or two. Personally I am exceptionally broody, OH isn't quite there yet, and I have specific career goals I want to achieve which I'm probably going to get through in another 2-3 years, and that will give me more flexible work options with small children and higher earning potential later. Coming on here and planning ahead, absorbing female motherly wisdom, staves off broodiness I find :-) and focussing on the fact that whilst I really really really want to be a mum, there's no coming back from that, and whilst it should never be a barrier to anything you want to do - travelling, career etc - in reality I wouldn't want to do some things as a mum (not whilst children were young anyhow) that I want to 'get out the way' first.

Anyway I completely understand being torn - but also think that bringing a child into the world really needs to be carefully considered, and at the moment you sound unsure, you have plenty of time to make the decision. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving it up to chance.

I think 24 is still very young tbh (in terms of having kids). I feel lucky in a way that i got pregnant by accident (at 26) so I didn't have to consider all of this .

I think there's a few things you need to think about...

1. Work and having children are not exclusive. You need a little Venn diagram and a bit merging in the middle . You can have children and still keep your job. It's just hard work and you have to be organised and get childcare sorted etc.

1. You don't need to move out of London for the above.

1. You also don't need to save up money, you'd be amazed how little you can get away with but obviously it's nice and it helps.

I think it's great you're thinking about it but don't over think it. And I agree, look for a cheaper flat if you can, as if you did have a baby, you'd need to do this anyway probably!

I was in your shoes(though not in London) 9 years ago. I was 24 and progressing well in my career. I was the broodiest person i knew(not that I dared tell any of my friends!)

At 26 I "fell" pg as my dp and I had adopted a "let's not try not to get pg" approach.

I've got an almost 6yr old and a 2yr old.(I'm 33)I adore being a mum.It's the thing that gives me the greatest joy. My old career has meant I was recently chosen to do a really interesting secondment at work(I went back to same company in a non management role after both of my mat leaves) and I'm due to speak to my Area manager about something else "interesting" in a few weeks time.

At times I'd love to be with my kids at home but that's a differant topic and we're happy as a family with the decisions we've made.

I guess my point is that there is no rush to have children. Having them is not the end of your working life(Even though I feel mine has only just begun to pick up again-I was waiting in the wings for a bit.) Juggling kids/job/realationship/life can be challanging.

Having kids changes your perspective on everything, including work. Having a good level of experience may come in useful when you find yourself (suddenly) in your mid thirties with kids in school!