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Conception

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Original poster

How do you cope with relatives questions about TTC child number two when it's just not happening?

18 replies

Rubberplant · 12/04/2009 11:22

I have a two year old DC and have been TTC no 2 for over a year.

This Easter we've been to a couple of family events were relatives have started to question when we are going to have a second child. I felt terribly awkward and made general non committal responses.

Everyone assumes that you'll have a second child and that because you've had one there won't be a problem having a second. This isn't helped by the fact the DP's cousin seems to sneeze and get pregnant.

We haven't told any family members we're TTC as I feel it would add to the pressure. How do you respond/deflect comments made by others without blurting out the truth?

I have been tempted to scream out the truth just to embarrass the person who's asked . . .

OP posts:

ahfeckit · 12/04/2009 11:31

your situation is very similar to mine. we have been TTC for about a year now aswell (have a 2yo DS). i get fed up from comments not just from family but also friends 'oh when's X getting a brother or sister?' 'you don't want to leave it too long, not wanting to have a big age gap etc'. yawn. there's enough pressure without people sticking their oar in.
I know it's natural for people to want to know if we're planning on having more, fair enough, but really can they not just give it time.
It's not like buying a house or a car, these things take time!
I had a MC just last month, so I think for me, people have been more careful what they say and the comments have actually been few and far between.
I just usually say 'oh we'll see...'. I don't really make too much out of it and try and change the subject to something more neutral.

jennybensmummy · 12/04/2009 11:33

i have that problem too i just change the subject or just say ha ha dont worry when we do you will be first to know! its hard though isnt it. my son is 3 and a half weve been trying for over a year too, on cycle 16 now and no luck. my son has sn so people keep asking if i would want another child as how will i cope etc etc i just want to yell at them!

ahfeckit · 12/04/2009 11:37

jenny, you can do without the added pressure. sometimes people don't realise how hurtful their comments on this topic are.

hope we are all lucky soon, but at the end of the day, it will happen when it happens. thinking about it too much usually makes it worse. the joys of TTC...

nunnie · 12/04/2009 19:17

I am in exactly the same boat, 22 month old and been trying 19 months (started early cos I thought this might happen). I just tell my family that I am thinking of trying later in the year, they don't tend to go on about it then, if I am still trying later in the year I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

soosy · 12/04/2009 19:40

I just tell them it took a while for the first one so they shouldn't hold heir breath! My DS is now 4 and an IVF baby and we are one our fifth attempt for no2.

onepieceofcremeegg · 12/04/2009 19:48

We had almost a 4 year age gap (by choice) and didn't get a lot of awkward questions.

Sometimes the questions can be nicely avoided (unless the person is particularly nosey/rude/persistent) if you murmur about "problems" during your first/previous pg. I had terrible sickness which meant I didn't ttc for a long time. Often people don't want to embarrass themselves by enquiring any further about "problems".

That kind of covers it whether you are having problems ttc, or have just planned a slightly bigger gap than people expect.

Good luck to all on the thread that are ttc.

Onlyaphase · 12/04/2009 21:02

I have a 2.5yr DD and when people ask if we want more, I just say that we would love more children, and that we will have to see what happens. I think (hope!) this gets the point across that things aren't always as easy as they could be.

Higglepig · 12/04/2009 22:24

Same boat for us, have only been trying for a few months but no luck so far and people do keep asking - I just say something on the lines of "Yes we do hope to have more at some point". And hope they drop it. Some people can be very persistent though...

Hulababy · 12/04/2009 22:29

After over 4,5y of it not happening I just tell them the truth - that we'd love a second and maybe will one day, but for now it isn't happening for us. I used to get more het up about it and found it more stressful. Kind of got used to it now and it passes me me by a lot easier. Close family know more of the details, etc. but it is hard for them to understand fully as none struggled with fertility or TTC.

tiredandwornoutmum · 12/04/2009 22:33

Same for us too. We have 3.7 ds and have been ttc for 2.6 years with investigations having benn done and ending up with unexlained infertility

I now just tell the truth...don't care anymore. All feels a bit flat now tbh.

HappyEIster · 12/04/2009 22:40

hi
i am inn exactly the same situation except my DD is 3 yo and we have been TTC for 19 cycles(soon to be 20 if AF arrives on tuesday) i have been trying to avoid the questions but my DD has recently been telling everyone who is in earshot that she is getting a brother it may have something to do with her friend being made a big sister about a month ago but it has set off a veritable barrage of next baby questions!! im tempted to say 'well, we have been trying for 20 months and 2 miscarriages but il let you know when one sticks!!' bitter?... moi??
i have just said something along the lines of 'mmmm we havent thought about trying again but we'll see' its a nice neutral none-nanny scaring response i think
xx ei xx

HeidiS · 13/04/2009 07:30

I've actually started blurting out the truth to anyone who asks.

I mean, if they're brave enough to ask stupid questions like "your daughter is so beautiful, how can you not want more?" then they should be brave enough to hear me use words like "miscarriages, ovulating, periods, basal temperatures?"

The questions dry up really fast believe me and I've found it much easier than having to pretend.

Good luck and hopefully you'll have something positive to shout from the rooftops soon!

traceybath · 13/04/2009 07:39

I had this as took nearly 2 years to get pregnant with ds2.

Howver i'm pretty open with people and just told them we were trying but it wasn't happening.

justaboutspringtime · 13/04/2009 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

deanychip · 13/04/2009 08:13

Mine is nearly 6!
So i used get it on a weekly basis...actually not any more because i jsut say what another poster said to do..its just not happening, miscarriages etc.

They kind of occasionally ask me now, but not so much any more.

It is difficult and it is JUST converstaion to most people, they dont mean anything by it.

PictureThis · 13/04/2009 08:37

Our DD is 2 and we have been TTC #2 for 16 months without success. When people ask I just tell them the truth.

brettgirl2 · 13/04/2009 08:42

I think it's really rude and none of their business. To say 'you don't want to leave it too long, not wanting to have a big age gap etc'

I'd just say 'oh, why's that then?'. I would never discuss if I was TTC with anyone.

troutpout · 13/04/2009 08:44

Just tell them you think you are happy with one child and that your dc will most likely be an only child. Say you had an awful time of it with pg and birth, We did this after our first child (all true btw)...took everyone by surprise when we had dd 5 years later.

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