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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Ever get pregannt without DH's consent?

23 replies

spermstealer · 23/02/2009 20:01

So who has accidentally on purpose got up the duff without getting full and informed consent of DH? What happened? Was he happy even though he didn't really want another? What were the repurcussions?

I'm considering it because my DH says "no" to a third but all the signs are that he is as interested as I am. I had a m/c about 18 months ago after a planned pregnancy & that seems to have put him off completely.

OP posts:

ScorpiowithabigS · 23/02/2009 20:02

No way.

What are his signs? I'm sure if he is saying no, he means no.

thisisyesterday · 23/02/2009 20:04

erm, no.
bad idea. always a bad idea.

diedandgonetodevon · 23/02/2009 20:04

unbelievable!

Original poster

spermstealer · 23/02/2009 20:05

He mentions having another baby in a jokey way all the time and tells me what names he has come up with and jokes with friends when he has had a few drinks that we are going to have another. But whenever I start a serious conversation with him about it he says No. We always wanted more than 2 but we had twins first time round and it was hard going and now they are 5 and he thinks it would mean going back too far in our lives to have another.

OP posts:

PurplePoppy · 23/02/2009 20:17

I wouldn't pretend to use contraception and not, but you could try saying "lets risk it without" and see how he responds?

Original poster

spermstealer · 23/02/2009 20:58

No I don't use any contraception and neither does he. Also flaty refuses to consider vasectomy. That's a good idea Poppy - would be a way of sussing out ow committed to his position he is!

Not surprised others are shocked - I am shocking myself! Used to think I would never consider doing such a thing. But my urge is so strong - why should he get his own way?!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 23/02/2009 21:01

well, one of you has to get their own way don't they?

I would suggest you sit down and have a really good talk about just how much you want another baby. talk through any fears he has.

Lulumama · 23/02/2009 21:02

i think you need an open and honest talk

esp. if he is giving mixed signals, i.e talking. joking about more children and not using condoms, but then being horrified at the thougth of planning a pregnancy

if he does not use condoms and knows you are not on teh pill, he has to actually accept some responsibility if you do get pregnant.....

maybe he is frightened of what will happen? i.e anotehr set of twins, for example.. or perhaps your ages have a bearing on it

you need to talk, rather than wait for an accident, lay it on the line iwth him

getting prgnant, even if he is not atking repsonsibility for contraception might take a huge toll on your relathionship

theyoungvisiter · 23/02/2009 21:02

"No I don't use any contraception and neither does he"

Sorry but how are you not getting pregnant already - or are you using the rhythm method or something I'm missing?

Original poster

spermstealer · 23/02/2009 21:04

Yes you are right lulumamma - I just don't want to get an answer I don't want if I have that talk.

And yes "young visiter" - we are using the fertility awareness method not to get pregnant so far.

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 23/02/2009 21:08

i think its a very stupid risk to take!
how old are you?

Original poster

spermstealer · 23/02/2009 21:09

OP posts:

SmallShips · 23/02/2009 21:14

Bloody awful idea, but i think hes being rather cruel to continue joking about it and discussing names with you if he has no intention of having another baby.

Talk to him.

Original poster

spermstealer · 23/02/2009 21:18

Yes it is cruel. I am sure he doesn't mean it to be - if he does he really is an arsehole! And I wouldn't say he is an arsehole generally! Which is what makes me think there is a bit of him that would like it - he just can't bear to make the decision and actually go through thr "trying" bit.

OP posts:

Mummyfor3 · 23/02/2009 21:19

spermstealer, could your DH be frightened of having another go at TTC after your miscarriage?
Miscarriages are obviously sad and upsetting all round, but often fathers feelings are not particularly considered and all sympathy concentrates (in some ways, understandably) on the mother's loss. Or did he feel he had to be the strong one and has not really recovered from it?
It may also have been frightening for him to see you go through a miscarriage and he may not want to risk it again. I know our scary experience with placenta praevia/repeated haemorrhages/emergency CS/31 wk preemie baby was what put my DH off trying for a third - DS3 is now 11 months

Original poster

spermstealer · 23/02/2009 21:29

thanks mummyfor 3 - yes sure he is scared of another set of twins and yes sure he is scared of another mc. Both possible explanations. But you know what - even after 7 years of marriage I am not sure that any amount of talking about these things is going to bring him round. he is always convinced he is right about everything! Would be interested to know how you brought your hubby round in the end?

am surprised no-one has yet been here to fess up to having got pregnant accidentally on purpose - chats with friends have led me to believe that many many women have done this!

OP posts:

imaspermstealer · 24/02/2009 08:59

shamefully i have name changed for this post

spermstealer I got pregnant without my dps consent when i was 18. we lived together and were engaged and had plans to have children in the near future but i just felt like i wanted a baby NOW. I felt i was ready and couldnt think of anything else. i suppose it was selfish of me to do this especially as it turns out dp and i split when ds1 was 3.

People may say that our relationship disintergrated due to the fact that i trapped him/lied/stole his sperm. (to this day he thinks ds1 was a mistake) but i disagree. i was/am a fantastic mum and my x dp is a brilliant dad. it made no difference that we didnt plan it.

Things this time round are different. My dh and i plan everything and we decided to ttc together with ds2 and the 1 we are trying for now. Maybe its because i know DH will give me anything that im more open about my needs and desires but i would like to think its because we have a close and trusting relationship. I wouldnt want to lie to him. iykwim?

Original poster

spermstealer · 24/02/2009 09:15

Thanks for your openness last poster - has made me feel less alone. Having slept on it (tossed and turned all night!) I have come to the conclusion that it is a bad idea. So will rest with that decision ... at least until next month when my hormones start nagging me again to try just one more time before its too late!

OP posts:

Mummyfor3 · 24/02/2009 16:47

Hi, I am just back to this thread.

I suppose, Dh and I were in agreement that in principle we wanted another child and I went from there. It helped to be able to demonstrate that statistically FWIW it was not v likely that we would have the same problems again.
Would it help to be referred for preconception counselling/advice to you local mat hospital?
I think as somebody said above, only one of can have it their way, unless the other one comes round.

PurplePoppy · 24/02/2009 19:47

I think some people, both men and women, can't really cope with the enormity of actively deciding to get pregnant. I think that "forgetting" about contraception is actually very many people's way of making that descision. I don't mean that it is a mistake, more that they stop trying so hard to not get pregnant and leave the rest to fate. I have intelligent, thoughtful friends who have done that, and I think it is understandable.

As everyone else has said, spermstealer, there are many reasons why your husband could have very ambivalent feelings about you pregnant again. Maybe just not worrying about contraception is his way of saying lets quietly and with no pressure give it a go, and he wouldn't be able to cope with a "sit down and talk about it" situation. Just an idea, you know him best.

And I don't think that sex with your long term partner can ever be called "stealing sperm" unless you are lying to him about your fertility or about using contraception. Men are just as capable of understanding probability and risk, and of buying condoms, as women are.

havingsecondthoughts · 24/02/2009 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

spermstealer · 25/02/2009 12:36

Great post, poppy - thank you. You have encapsulated exactly what I think is going on with him. And no, I'm not "stealing his sperm" - interesting that I chose that as my name change though - wonder what a psychologist would make of it! Obviously am feeling guilty. Anyway he's not daft. And I'm not lying and must be really careful not to lie, even by omission. I suppose at 42 chances are fairly slim so maybe Mother Nature will decide.

OP posts:

brettgirl2 · 26/02/2009 18:15

A friend of mine did this, although she still officially maintains she was 'on the pill' (although she does admit missing 'a few') They are still married and in fact have had another.

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