how many is enough?

[toomany]

with all but 1 of my kids at secondary school I suddenly decided I wanted another baby. We tried for 7 months, nothing happened. Decided far too old & not a good idea & stopped trying then fell pregnant accidentally. Total disaster, felt so ill, tired & desperate. Had a termination at 10 weeks under huge pressure from DH & DM & spent months in counselling when I "woke up" & realised what I'd done.
Until all this I'd been happy that 4 kids was enough. Now not so sure. How do you know that you don't want any more? People I work with are content with 1 or 2. My mind always goes down the road of what the next one would be like as they are all so different. Am I mad?
It is totally out of the question to have more. I work full time- through necessity- we can't cut down or move to somewhere cheaper etc. We struggle as it is. The kids are of an age where they don't need sitters. I'm 39. Is it just middle age calling?

Toomany - I can't say how many is too many/enough. what's good for one isn't good for another.My best firend has only 1 and that fills me with hooro. Similarly, she has horrors at the thought of my soon-to-be-3. I am pg with my 3rd. I always thought 4 would be the number I'd go for, but maybe 3 will be enough for me. I don't know yet.

I am not in the position where I've stopped & can look back & say when I knew I'd had enough. But reading your post - you say it's totally out of the question, well, doesn't that answer your question? (I honestly don't mean that in a bad way, truly) maybe you have your answer but need someone to say it back to you.
What does dh say?

Toomany, you can look forward to the day that you have grand children - you are still very young to have 4 teenage children and will no doubt get a new brood in due course.

My parents are 60, have 1 grandchild at the moment but this year are getting another 2. They are over the moon and enjoying the fun without the responsibility.

It looks like you need to look after yourself for a while, do some of the things that you couldn't do because you were looking after your kids.

toomany - from what you say it sounds as though you really would like another one - and you are certainly not too old - I had my first just 2 months before my 43rd birthday - but I am adamant that I would NEVER want another one ..... I think you 'know' when you have completed your family (as I have) and the fact that you are unsure clearly means you have doubts ...... but whether to go for another, that's entirely up to you and your DH! Is it that you really want another 'baby' in your life, or could you consider fostering an older child who would really benefit from joining a loving family - just a suggestion (and not one that I would consider!).

toomany, I like Lindy's suggestion of fostering, if you are sad that you won't have little people in the house any more.

I do understand how you feel. You're not mad. I had my 4th when I was 42; had 3rd at 37 and wasn't supposed to be having any more but kept wanting one, I was working PT but then DH got a new job 30 miles away which meant I had to give up PT job (he used to do a lot of after-school ferrying etc) so I talked him into having just one more. When DS2 was born the others were 11, 8 and nearly 5. I know just what you mean about them all being so different and what would the next one have been like, but it is a huge upheaval and with your children being that bit older you would have to give a lot of thought to how you would organise life and how it would affect them.

You are not "far too old" for another, (obviously!) and it sounds as if DH wouldn't mind, having spent 7 months trying - if you hadn't felt so ill would you have gone ahead? How would your kids feel if you had another? Would they be willing to help? Could you still work FT for the money and pay for a minder too? If not would it be fair to the older ones for you to struggle even more financially?

It sounds from what you say as if it makes sense not to even think of having another but it is such an emotional thing. What if you did get pregnant again and were just as ill as before or worse - what would you do then?

Nobody else can tell you what to do but you have all my sympathy for your predicament. Hope you can work out your feelings and do the best for everybody. Lots of luck!

Sometimes I think these decisions are just too big and too difficult to handle. A lot of people will no doubt find this suggestion irresponsible, but you could just stop using contraception and leave it to fate to decide...

Janh, that's just it- my head says no more, my heart says yes. Unfortunately DH feels the same, so isn't much help.
After the termination he asked all the kids whether they wanted another baby. 2 said a resounding no, 1 said not bothered, the other said yes. There is the feeling of not fair to them & it's a huge step to start again.
I'm going to give it a few more months & see how I feel. I've started trying to pick up the reins of my pre-child life & do things for me as well.
DH already knows that if I got pregnant again I'm seeing it through. Then again we haven't had sex now for many months, so it isn't going to happen yet (& that's another thread).
I don't think fostering would help. A friend did it for years & gave up because it was affecting her kids.
Thanks for your good wishes.

toomany, I hope "I've started trying to pick up the reins of my pre-child life & do things for me as well" will do the trick for you. There are other important things - the difficult bit is to really put the baby thing out of your head - probably impossible, I know! Let us know how it goes...