I am in such a mess I don,t know what to do

[lostittoday]

I was recently told by the fertility clinic that I have premature ovarian failure after 5 months of no af and extremely high fsh.
However they put me on a months supply of hrt which appeared to kickstart my ovaries again, and I have since had 2 normal cycles.
A day 21 test also showed that I had ovulated and that I obviously have eggs left.
The consultant at the clinic told me that I still have a chance naturally and discharged me on that basis and told me to go straight back to my own gp if everything appears to have stopped again and ask for another months supply of hrt to get things going again, no more blood tests or anything were suggested.
Now I am currently on cd 37 and no sign of a af my last two after taking the hrt were 32 days and 26 days.
I just can,t cope with any of this any more I am dreaming that it means I am pregnant but I know with my past history it surely has to be unlikely.
At the same time I am petrified of doing a test in case its a bfn I can,t face seeing that after having been through that so many times in the last 16 months I have been ttc.
I just don,t know what to do, should I take it that my ovaries have failed again and get straight back down to my gp and get some more hrt.
Should I stay on it for longer as surely if it is helping my ovaries to function properly then it may be wise to stay on it longer to better my chances, and should I go back to the fertility clinic rather than my own gp to talk about that possibility.
Sorry this is stressing me out.
I know that I should test just to rule pregancy out but I have been secretly getting my hopes up and I don,t think I can take the knockback of seeing that bfn and then realising the pof is probably back.
Please what would you do in my siutation.

I am no expert by any means, but wouldn't the first thing the doc would do would be a pregnancy test?

Could you get someone else to read the results?

I really think you need to do that test, and I wish you all the luck in the world that it is a BFP

I don,t really have that sort of support around me NatalieJane, my dh thinks I am crazy and could not give two hoots whether it happens or not so I can,t imagine asking him to read the result.
My family sort of know about my predicament but they never talk about it and I don,t think they realise how much it is distressing me I keep everything sort of low key.
I have wondered if the doc may carry out a pregnancy test I know I will probably look a fool if he asks me if I have done one and I say no, I just can,t face it.
Thanks for your support it would be the best christmas present in the world if I was pregnant

bump

You can get the chemist to read a test result, not sure if that'd be the answer for you though?

If you have been OV'ing there is a good chance you are pregnant. But there really is no way of knowing until you do the test. I'd put money on it that the first thing the doc would want to know is if you've done a test.

You'll have to face it at some point, though can understand why you don't want to.

Have you a good friend that could at least be at the house with you, even if you wouldn't want to ask them to read the result? Or do it when you are alone so you can react to it in any way you want without feeling like you have to steel yourself?

I have not really got a very close friend that I would want to share this with.
I will just have to do it.
In a way I think I am just holding onto that hope that I may be, its a nice feeling at times but then I think about the possibility that the dreaded pof may be back and my mood sinks.
I just wish I could think oh well if its a bfn just look forward to that maybe one day it won,t be but I find that really difficult to do.
As you say I will just have to face it.

I think you have two choices, either do it, get it over with, hopefully spend xmas in an amazing mood, or be able to put this month to bed before it is xmas, or you could just wait it out.

I am far too impatient to wait it out, and I think you've probably waited long enough.

I have to nip into town this morning, but will be around this afternoon if you want some support from a stranger?

Thanks NatalieJane yes if your around I would love some support.
I have made an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I am afraid that I am chickening out of doing the pt as yet and have decided to sit it out.
Maybe the doctor will suggest one it may take some of the pressure off and at least I will have to face it then.
I just think my chances are extremely low and don,t want to cause myself unecessary upset unless I really have to.
The diagnosis of pof was very upsetting and the high fsh, it just doesn,t seem possible.

Just wanted let you know that i'm thinking of you, I really hope you get the best christmas pressie ever.
It is so hard not having anyone to talk to. I haven't told my either of our families about our problems/worries as I don't think they'll understand, plus my mum keeps saying 'oh you'll have no trouble' etc etc.
DP would be very content just to have our dd and no others but he realises that I really want another but I worry about how far he would want to take treatment because of this. Plus he doesn't really like to talk about it as 'it'll happen if its meant to be'.
It is so hard not being able to vent all the worries and sometimes crazy things that go through your head, all the complicated, deep feelings that make you feel so down.

I hope you are ok lostit, maybe if you really tell yourself its a bfn it'll be easier to do the test. But I know that is so hard as there is always that little voice that says maybe juat maybe....

Take care, sending you lots of good wishes,
Sammysam x x x