I?m really unsure where to post this or even if I should, but hopefully just getting some thought down with have a cathartic effect on my head.
A few weeks ago I had a negative result from a 2nd Frozen Embryo Transfer. I was devastated, more so that the first. This time I really thought we had cracked it. The embryos were better quality, I was healthier and more relaxed than last time and it just felt right. Sadly my period arrived earlier than it should and I feel so angry that even with a medicated cycle I couldn?t make it to test day without bleeding.
I can?t help thinking back to this time last year, when I was in the middle of the 1st IVF cycle, the enthusiasm I had, the positive feelings that in a few weeks I could be pregnant etc. It?s a long way from where I feel now. I used to post on another board and I went back there today to see that a number of women are either pregnant with their 2nd child or in the middle of another cycle with a small toddler in tow. I?m angry with myself that I?m still trying for my first. I know going back there would be painful, I knew I would feel this way, its almost as though I enjoy feeling this way, because I couldn?t stop myself reading their posts.
I have friends who got pregnant without trying. Friends who got pregnant early in relationships that ended before the baby was born. I?m so jealous of these women. It hurts so much to hear details of their blossoming pregnancy and their children?s lives, I drink up every detail, can?t wait to hear the next bit of news. It hurts, knowing they have a child that I so desperately want. Hearing about their pg and children hurts me, yet I can?t stop asking, almost like I want to hurt myself. I imagine myself in their position, sometimes mentally criticising their parenting and lifestyle choices.
I did see a counsellor at my clinic for one session after I felt I couldn?t move on from a cancelled embryo transfer due to OHSS. I?m not sure if she helped, if I?m beyond help, or if what I?m feeling in normal.