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Conception

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Original poster

I want a baby

18 replies

InTheMud · 04/12/2008 16:55

I'm 23, in a serious relationship and I'm desperate for a baby. I had an abortion with my current boyfriend 18 months ago. At the time, I didn't have a single doubt in my mind about it being the right thing to do, however, since then I have been so built up with regret that I can honestly say that, hand on heart, there hasn't been a day go by that I haven't thought about the baby and longed for another chance.

The problem is, and the reasons for my decision 18 months ago, we have been going out for 3 years but aren't living together. My boyfriend is very, very sensible. He won't even consider us moving in together until we have saved X amount of money, until we can both drive etc. All I want is for us to move in together and start a family. I know it's unrealistic because due to a recent relocate, he now lives 3 hours away and so we have aimed or me to relocate when all the areas I mentioned earlier are complete, e.g., I can drive, have saved, etc!

I just want a baby so much. I am so worried I won't get a second chance. I talk about babies everyday, I think about names and what kind of Mother I will be etc. I'm just very sad.

I feel so trapped that I keep considering not taking the pill and hoping for the best but that would take some serious explaining to my boyfriend, and as he knows how I feel, would see right through me.

I don't even know what I am asking to be honest, just wanted to talk about it. I'm sick of pretending to friends, family and colleagues that I am not maternal, and that I don't want a baby, just in case I don't get another chance.

OP posts:

Original poster

InTheMud · 04/12/2008 17:11

I probably won't get pregnant because he is so careful and it would be unfair on him but I just really want one.

Someone please talk some sense into me!

OP posts:

VJayMerrilyOnHigh · 04/12/2008 17:14

Don't pretend to friends and family, there's nothing wrong with feeling maternal, it's only natural xx

Anna8888 · 04/12/2008 17:14

Why are you so anxious to have a baby when you have your whole life ahead of you, and a million opportunities to seize before motherhood?

What job do you do?

RhinestoneCowgirl · 04/12/2008 17:15

IntheMud - sorry you feel so . You know that you need to sit down with DP and really talk about how you both feel don't you?

fwiw my DH is also a cautious sort, we had been together since I was 18, had a mortgage, all that stuff, but still talking about starting a family was the hardest thing we have done (and I was about 26 at the time).

Hope you work it out.

Lulumama · 04/12/2008 17:15

'trapping' him by getting pregnant deliberately, knowing he does not want a family yet, could well drive him away.

you are so young yet, and really, you do need to talk to him about getting married/moving in together/making some other commitment before you start a family IMO

perhaps this overwhelming compulsion and desire is stemming back to teh termination you hda and you are grieving and feeling bad about it now?

there is no real reason to think that you won;t get the chance to be a mother

i think you are scared and punishing yourself for the termination

does your boyfriend know about it>

expatinscotland · 04/12/2008 17:17

i think i'd look into some counselling about your feelings about the abortion before anything else.

for me, too, i couldn't go out with someone who had to live their life by some sort of schedule - e.g., we can't do Y until we do X and that sort of thing.

just me, but i'd find that too restrictive and certainly wouldn't consider having a child with someone like that.

expatinscotland · 04/12/2008 17:18

FWIW, I don't think you're too young and your age isn't an issue, IMO.

Original poster

InTheMud · 04/12/2008 17:20

I struggled really badly to accept my decision. I had a few counselling sessions and one again a few months back because it was still haunting me so much. He knows how I feel because I get so desperately upset about it sometimes he's the only person I can talk to as I didn't tell anyone else about the termination.

I just feel so lost, and I just want a baby. I've developed a one-track mind to motherhood and I know it's really unrealistic and not ideal but it's how I feel and I can't help it.

OP posts:

BouncingTinsel · 04/12/2008 17:20

InTheMud, have you had any counselling wrt to your termination?
I fear you may still have some unresolved issues there.
I agree with the other posters - please don't stop your contraception - a baby should be wanted by both parents, it would be unfair on your dp to trap him into being a father before he feels ready.
I'm sure you'll make a wonderful mum but you still have plenty of time.

beanieb · 04/12/2008 17:22

why not learn to drive?

If you want it so badly then surely it's worth doing? That way you have something to aim for.

Original poster

InTheMud · 04/12/2008 17:22

Our relationship is really strong but now and then I feel angry towards him - and I have been honest with him about this - for not regretting our choice and for not wanting to move forward. He is being realistic and very logical - but the heart wants what it wants, as the saying goes.

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wannaBe · 04/12/2008 17:27

I don't think you're too young, but you are still young enough that there's plenty of time.

tbh I would want to be in a stable, committed relationship before starting to try for a family, and there are somethings about that in your post that have run some alarm bells for me:

"My boyfriend is very, very
sensible. He won't even consider us moving in together until we have saved X amount of money, until we can both drive etc." ok so he's sensible, but IMO is also being very very cautious, why is that?

"due to a recent relocate, he now lives 3 hours away and so we have aimed or me to relocate
when all the areas I mentioned earlier are complete, e.g., I can drive, have saved, etc!"

Why did he relocate? Was he forced to due to his job? Or did he apply for another job and relocate because of that?

I'm sorry but he doesn't sound as committed to this relationship as you do.

He doesn't want you to move in together until you have saved up enough money and can drive (how much money?) and to make things more difficult he's now moved three hours away and seemingly doesn't want you to follow.

Before planning to have a family with this man I would seriously be questioning whether he actually sees his future with you, because judging from the things you've said it doesn't sound like it.

beanieb · 04/12/2008 17:27

it sounds to me like he has moved forwards though? Perhaps for him it's important to be settled first?

How did you both come to the decision to terminate?

wannaBe · 04/12/2008 17:30

Either that or he doesn't want a family yet and is using these things as a stalling tactic because he knows that as soon as you move in together you will put pressure on to start a family?

expatinscotland · 04/12/2008 17:43

wise words from wannabe, as usual.

Original poster

InTheMud · 04/12/2008 19:30

He relocated because of his job and it was that or redundancy so that's why he moved. He doesn't want a family yet, he wants us to settle down and live together and have a bit of a life just the two of us before we try for a family and everything he says makes perfect sense but because of what has happened, I now feel differently about life and have learnt the extremely hard way that I want a family and to be a young mum. I've never been terribly ambitious, I'm a secretary for a small firm.

I took a test two months ago because I was late and even though I am on the pill, I thought I might be pregnant and when I took the test it was negative and a week later I took another one as no period and I misread it to be positive (the previous test was simply a line if pregnant and nothing if not) but then I took a clear blue one and it had a line and I assumed I was pregnant and for half a day until I double checked, I genuinely believed I was pregnant and although shocked, I did come round and start to feel really excited but when I told my boyfriend, he got really upset and I really saw how differently we feel about it.

I'm tired of feeling so desperate.

Sorry to answer your question, we both instinctively agreed to a termination, we felt we couldn't offer the child anything as we have basic salaries, and wasn't ready at that time. It was the only time in my entire life I've had sex with no form of protection.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 04/12/2008 19:32

maybe, he is not The One, maybe he does not want to settle down and have children

you can;t make somoene want to be a father

maybe it is time to take stock and really ask yourself where this relationship is going if you are disagreeing on something so fundamental

you don;t want to be in this situation in 5 or 10 years time

Original poster

InTheMud · 04/12/2008 19:37

I can't explain it, we are really happy, but I have this underlying urge for a family. I know we can't afford it, would have to find money from somewhere to find somewhere to live, I'd have to leave my job and I'd be in an awful set up for starting a family... I think I just want what I can't have. I think a good point was I need to learn to drive, make the effort on my part - see what happens.

OP posts:

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