Conception by deception

[jemsie]

A friend of mine has confided in me that she has come off the pill, but has not told her DP. they have been together for 8 years and kids have always been on the cards for them - however her DP wants to have a career break and retrain so he doesnt want to TTC for at least another 2-3 years.

I dont want to be judemental as she is my closest friend, however I cant help feeling shocked about what she is doing. She seems to think its perfectly fine and that lots of women do it - do you think this is true?! I understand her reasons - she is 31 and all we have talked about since we turned 25 is having kids! I know shes doing it because she wants a family not to try and 'trap' him. Her DP is lovely and im fairly certain this wouldnt destroy their relationship, but it would crush his dreams a bit in terms of retraining, im worried he might resent her in the future.

Sorry for the ramble - my DP and her DP are very good friends so I obviously cant tell my DP but need to get some more opinions?! This subject seems to be a bit taboo, and something thats not really discussed..

I think she's doing the wrong thing. It's just not right to be deceitful like this, the decision to have children should be a joint thing. OK I know that accidents do happen, but accidents are very different from calculated deceit.

She should talk to him, explain that she doesn't want to wait any longer - at 31 I can quite understand she feels time is moving on. And they should agree on what is best for them as a couple together.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do or say to help though - if you've tried talking to her already and she is determined.

Imagine if the tables were turned. Very dodgy territory.
Implore her to get back on the pill until spoken to dp.

And bribe him with months and months of hot sex. He may change his mind rather quickly?!!

To the OP: a quick and easy way to poison her relationship, IMO.

I almost wish she hadnt told me tbh. I dont want to get too involved as they're both good friends of mine, and I know (despite how it seems) she is not some manipulative b1tch. it's just hard to ignore 'biology' in a way. im seeing her this weekend so will def suggest she has a serious talk with her dp.

Has she thought it through? Either she's going to have to tell her partner what she's done, in which case he'll end up rightly angry and it could poison the start of their parenthood because she will just have selfishly grabbed what she wanted while knowing she was stopping him doing what he wanted to do, or if she doesn't tell him then she's going to have to act surprised, shocked, disappointed etc. and be convincing.

I don't think at 31 postponing another 2-3 years is a good plan - what a lot of people don't realise till they start ttc is how much time you can need to allow for miscarriages (possibly multiple even if they don't all happen in a row, but between pregnancies), taking an unexpectedly long time to conceive, then tests and investigations and so on. But she needs to talk to her partner about that sort of thing and persuade him to let them start ttc, and find some compromise so that whenever they do first end up pregnant (which let's face it could still be 5 years from when they start, that's not unheard of, OR equally might be straight away) they have a Plan for when he will still get to do his training. Doing it by herself by secretly coming off the pill is a bad idea.

Of course telling you is also a bad idea - if she is planning to act surprised she'd have done better to tell no one and almost convince herself of her 'accident' story, or whatever she's going to say to him. Far harder to sound convincing if you know someone who's close to you knows perfectly well you're lying!

I think your right - I did ask her what she would tell him as it would be hard for him to believe she had got preg on the pill if she was taking it properly.

Really wish she hadnt told me, but also very much agree with her (and acticalallot) that postponing TTC for another 2 years is not the best idea.

I actually think this probably happens a lot more than we realise - apparently the statistics of how many women fall pregnant while on the pill are much higher than they should be(medically speaking) if that makes sense....

For me personally loyalty goes over honesty. I would definitely not tell either her or your DH about it. But I would tell her honestly what you think about it. She might have her doubts herself and this is why she told you?!
Diffcult one - good luck!

I know someone who did exactly this. And when the baby was born she was so pleased as punch she actually told her DH about her little scam - thinking he'd say "clever old you". They're divorced now.