Views on IVF with donated eggs

[stuarts]

Wonder if anyone could help me as feeling a bit low at the moment!

We went to what we thought was out initial appointment to start the IVF process this week only to be told that they wouldn't do it on me without donated eggs (to do with my FSH levels) - and we'd have to find a donor as the waiting list is too long.

At first both partner and I said we couldn't do it with someone we know as it would be weird, would feel like the baby's theirs really etc etc.

However, now a friend has offered to be a donor and really trying to get me to rethink things, which I am.

Feel very confused now. Has anyone any experience of doing this with someone they know? Did it make you feel differently about the baby, did it fell like yours etc?

Thanks

stuarts I have had ivf with donated eggs but we went abroad for treatment as there was no waiting list and it was anonymous
it was for ds2 and I can honestly say I love him as much as ds1. Every time I look at him I think how lucky I am to have him
Personally I found the fact that it was anonymous easier if want to talk more about it let me know

Thanks Andiem

If we did it privately (including abroad obviously) we'd have to borrow the money. Which is why we were so thrilled that we were eligible to 2 attempts on NHS (particularly given my age - 39 in October).

I think my preference would be anonymous but given the fact that the NHS waiting list is so long that's not an option (on the NHS route anyway as I'd be too old)

So, without borrowing loads of money to do it privately we're down to using someone we know.

I just don't know what to do. But I also don't want to have regrets years down the line that I didn't try it.

Wo you mind telling me a bit about how you did it abroad? ie where, cost, how long you have to be there, did it work first time etc

Many thanks

Hi stuarts we went to this clinic for our successful attempt they have the best results in europe they are expensive but because of their very high success rate I think they are worth the money we spent about 8000 in total with them for one attempt
before that I had an attempt at the lister in chelsea which was successful but I had a mc then we had an attempt at a clinic in marbella which was not successful then we went to IM I wish we had gone there first it was very easy we went for the day for the first appt and then just overnight for the treatment
if you go on a forum called fertility friends there are lots of girls going abroad for treatment and I got good support and info there
results in the uk clinics are nowhere near as good as IM in barcelona their first go results are about 70% this is I think due to the quality of the donors and their expertise in doing egg donation if you could borrow the money then I would definitely say go there
there are some pics of ds1 and 2 on my profile and they really look alike they take a photo of you so the donor matching is excellent loads of people have said how much ds2 looks like me!
if you need any more info please post again this is really hard to talk about in rl as most people know nothing about it

A known donor would be easier for the future adult that your baby will be to understand and come to terms with.

Maybe there is some kind of specialist counselling you could go through with your friend to help you all think it through thoroughly, all the legal/financial/practical things etc. That might help you picture it and put your mind at rest.

that is one view rubles not proven fact

stuarts if you do use your known donor then the clinic you go to will inisist that you all have counselling before they accept you for the ivf this is done for both the donor and the recipient dh and I had counselling before we started our treatment at the lister

btw some clinics will not let you use a known donor what they do is use the donor for someone else and you go to the top of the waiting list iyswim so it may be that someone else uses your friends eggs and you get the next donor some clinics will let you do it but some don't

???????

ruble you cannot come on and state that having a known donor is better for the child this is not the view of everybody and in many eu countries there is no intention whatsoever of abolishing of anonymity for sperm or egg donors
what I would ask youisi what experience you have of gamete donation?

Surely you would agree it is a fairly widely held view.
And surely it is something extremely important that needs to be considered.
There was a reason that donor anonymity was stopped.

it is a view held in this country but not widely held across the world no
and removing anonymity has been the worst possible thing particularly for egg donation the wait list is now 5 years at most clinics
and I ask again what is your involvement in gamete donation

I have no involvement and nor do I think that is relevant to having a point of view, although I am sure you are about to leap in and say that it is essential!

Do you not agree that it is something extremely important that needs to be considered?

yes rubles but the reality is if you are involved in it you would have researched into it etc etc
what is more important in my view is that your child knows they are donor conceived not that they know who the donor is these are two different things

I think you are entitled to your view but it is just that a view you presented it as though it was fact a different matter entirely

Sorry, I have just logged on and seen what I have started - sorry!

I don't understand why it is thought that a known donor is better for the child??

Also, Andiem, can I ask another question - which is probably really thick so I apologise in advance. You know in this country that child has a right to know who the donor is at 18? But there's no 'legal' requirement for you to tell them they are from donor egg right? (obviously everyone will have their own view on whether you should or not).

So a child would only find out the donor if you first chose to tell them they are from a donor iyswim? ie you don't just suddenly get to 18 and think 'I wonder if I'm from a donor egg?'

I have been looking at that website you sent me, it looks like a really good clinic and I am very interested. I have emailed them to find out the cost (as I have just got a response from CARE saying that, even if I have it privately with them, there is a 12 month waiting list!).

So it is looking like my options are:

• known donor on NHS in this country;
• have it privately abroad

Thanks for all your help andiem, I really do appreciate it as am feeling a bit lost with it all at the moment

Crikey! I've just had a response from them and the cost of one cycle is 9,500 euros!!

There's no way we can afford that

I think that it is better to have a known donor and then the DC knows where they come from, it is not important when they are small but when they have their own DCs they may well want to know their family history. By the time they get to 40 or 50 yrs it might be very important to them. I have traced back my family history to GGGGrandparents (I accept that there may be family secrets about conception in there but at least I have access to records). Genealogy is the second most popular subject on the internet so there is a tremendous urge for people to know where they came from. I think everyone has the right to know their biological origins and egg donors or sperm donors shouldn't be anonymous.
I would be highly annoyed, as an adult, if my parents could not tell me my biological origins.

stuarts there is no legal right for you to tell them but I think many people do
we will tell ds2 when he is old enought o understand
we have told ds1 as we feel he should know

abbey my ds2 history is our family's history he was born into our family I am his biological mother I grew him in utero and gave birth to him his genetic material may not be all me but he is mine as much as any one elses he is 50% my dh
genealogy is not relevant in this situation

donor conceived children are not adopted I thnk you are confusing the two

I think that you might find that by the time your DCs get to 40's,5o's or their 60's they might want to know who they are.I wasn't interested when I was younger and there were older family members that I could have asked but I am passionately interested now. I think as we learn more and more about genetics people will want to know more. There was a thread recently about nature or nurture and I believe it to be at the very least 60% nature(possibly up to 80%).

My eldest DS has been brought up by a step father (very successfully), his own father died when he was a baby. My DS has identical handwriting to his biological father, he has the same gestures, the same way of speaking when he is excited, many of the same opinions. These are all things that he didn't get from anywhere else-he hadn't seen the handwriting and there are no video's. You can't eradicate the biological parent-the DC has a right to know who they were, not to be a father or mother but simply to know who they were.