Experiences of having a third child with a bigger age gap

[iloveyoubutilovememore]

I would really appreciate feedback/experiences of those who have had a third child, with a bigger age gap between 2 & 3. Deciding whether or not to go for it is driving me mad...
We have two lovely boys (9&5). They keep me and OH firmly on our toes, are exhausting and amazing and everything between. As far as parenting goes I would say we are at a sweet spot, things are definitely much easier compared to 2/3 years ago and I have much more independence now also. We have a nice house (and a massive mortgage) and the four of us are able to go to clubs/engage in hobbies without any financial concerns. Both me and OH work and I love my job (perinatal mental health). In March we deregistered our eldest son from school and I reduced my hours so that I could home educate him 2 days per week. He attends a local forest school for 2 days and my mum takes him to a home Ed group on the other day. To say it’s been hard is an understatement but he is emotionally much much calmer/happier.
For the last year or so I have felt the urge to have one more child. It’s something I’ve often thought about although I worry for the following reasons -

1. Life is finally more manageable and I wonder if a third would break me/us to some extent.
2. I had severe postnatal depression after my first son was born and it took me a good year to find my feet. Def found going from 0-1 much harder than 1-2.
3. Our second son is my shadow and is so attached, I think he would struggle with a baby and having to share me/his dad.
4. I highly doubt we would be able to do anything ‘nice’ for a while or go away. Surely that’s not fair for the two we already have?
5. Following on from that, I don’t want to risk not being the best mum I can be to the two children I have now and I’m scared I will rock the boat.

Having said all of the above, I can’t shake this feeling and I would hate to deeply regret not doing it when it’s too late. My husband is happy either way. Thanks for reading if you got this far!!!

I would never say I regret our youngest. I don’t. He’s here. He’s wonderful. But I found 2-3 really hard. There’s only two parents.

I also found the age gap tricky. The oldest one would need a lift to see friends and the middle one to a club and the baby would need a nap or a feed or nappy at the same time. ‘Family’ days out become me doing one thing and hubby doing another because no one wanted to do the same things due to the age gap.

It sounds like things are perfect the way they are - I wouldn’t upset the balance.

I can really relate to your heart vs. head dilemma. I have three and would love a fourth!

However, I think the practical reasons for sticking at two might win out for me in your case. Home educating with a baby would be so tough! And there’s your health to consider.

I wouldn’t be without my third, but my age gaps are much smaller (5, 3 and 1 with two lots of 22 month age gaps). I think it would be much more difficult to add a baby if my current eldest was my youngest.

Saying all that - if you think you can make it work without harming your existing children then I wouldn’t judge you for having another!

I adore my third with an eight and twelve year age gap but it is hard, you feel like you are on two parenting shifts per day. By the time the smallest is down, the older ones are out at sports and need collecting, dinner etc.

An extreme and one-off example but I collected my 16 year old at 3am from a prom party last night and then was awake and ready for swimming lessons for the four year old at about 6.30am.

I couldn’t go for head over heart and I am so glad we have her but it’s not a practical decision and does have an impact on what we are able to do as a family. I also feel that this should probably have been a time to start prioritising our marriage but we’re in ‘divide and conquer’ mode.

I read on here recently about framing it as desire vs capacity. Sounds like you have the desire for one more absolutely. But what would that do to your capacity as a family and how would it affect everyone in the unit, not just mum?

Saying this when I'm 2 weeks away from welcoming #3 after a 5 year age gap 🙈 no idea if we have capacity in reality (hoping so!) but we're about to find out!!!