Should I wait for a partner or consider donor conception?

[N12251234]

Back story, I am going through a divorce. We have been seperated for 2 years now and soon to be ex husband has been dragging his feet with getting housing/fiances sorted. We got together from a young age and were together for 12 years before we split. I am now 32, nearly 33.

We always talked about having a big family, and I have always dreamed of having children of my own. Due to some unforseen circumstances we didn't have our first child until I was 30. 10 weeks after our child was born I found out that he was having an affair that he had started half way through my pregnancy.

I was obviously deverstated, and now feel like my hopes and dreams of a big family are slipping away. I adore my child with all my heart and love being a mum. I would love nothing more than to have another child (or more). Now I know I am only 32 and women have had kids much older than me. I work in the fertility field so I feel like I am constantly reminded of how my fertility clock is ticking.

Obviously in an ideal world I want a 'family' and it's not all just about having a baby. But I have no idea when all this divorce stuff will be sorted and when/if I might find someone else who I would want to have a child with. What if I never meet someone. I'm not even sure some days wether I even want someone else in my life as I am still healing from everyhting that happend with the soon to be ex husband.

Do I wait and hope I meet the man of my dreams and hope that we are able to have kids together. Do I do it on my own and use a sperm donor. But is that crazy to even consider. I have basically raised my child on my own and his dad only sees him a couple of times a month so in theory I feel like I would be fine. I also feel like financially we would be okay. But how would I navigate that as the kids get older and one has a dad they sometimes see and the other doesn't.

All of my friends/ collegeus who had a child around the same time as mine are now either trying for their second or pregnant. I feel so sad that I am in this position. My heart yearns for another child but I just don't know what the right/best thing to do is.

Hi OP,

Im sorry about the relationship break down.

My advice is you are still young and will be completely new to the dating market. People move way faster at a later stage. I have a couple of friends that got to together in mid to late 30s and they are married and having babies way quicker than those who have been together for years. In many cases they've leapfrogged the other couples!

I think you should get yourself back dating when you are ready and aim to enjoy meeting some people for a few months.

If it's financially an option perhaps go for a fertility check up or freeze your eggs? Just so you have peace of mind and can relax a bit. Then you could consider donor in 4/5 years if no one has come along.

I definitely wouldn't leap into a donor. Reminds me of that film with Jennifer Lopez where she meets the man of her dreams straight after!

I would wait. Get through navigating your divorce and starting dating when you’re ready. It’s hormones driving the need for more kids and hormones don’t always have your (or your kids) best interest at heart.

Oh @N12251234 this is such a difficult decision and unfortunately only you can decide. I think for me there would be 2 major things to think about:

Dating
So you feel ready to start dating? Are you already dating? How would you feel if you found 'the man of your dreams' and he didn't want kids or already had kids and didn't want more? How long would you realistically expect to be dating before TTC?

Your daughter
Your daughter pretty much just knows you and her.... then separately she sees her dad a little bit. Dating and then introducing her to a potential partner will be a big change, then moving in together will be another huge change, then adding in a sibling will all be a huge change again. All of this might also happen at her Dad's. You need to make sure enough time lapses between each step so that she can get comfortable/ get used to the changes.

I would wait. I think having a child through donor conception when you already have a child (who has a father) is cruel and selfish. Imagine your oldest child going off with their dad or getting gifts and your younger one not.

I really sympathise with your situation but having a donor conceived child just doesn’t sit right with me.
What will you tell your potential child when they want to know where their Dad is?
How will they feel when their older sibling is being picked up to spend time with their Dad/being taken on holiday/given Christmas presents etc and they don’t have a Dad?

Thank you so much for the advice, it's really appreciated. I feel like I already knew that waiting and seeing was the best option but I just needed somone to also point it out to me to curb my baby brain. I have thought about freezing my eggs too, and I might start properly looking at doing that. Then I as you say, I can relax a bit knowing I have options in the future.

Just piggy backing on @Growingaseed i met my husband at 23, married at 29 and first baby at 31. My good friend ended a long term relationship at 29, married at 30, first baby 32. She is a year older so it all happened simultaneously to me. I couldn’t believe it! But dating in your 30s is very different to early 20s! They get the job done!

This, so one child has a father but the other doesn’t? Who would deliberately choose that?

This.

How will you explain to your donor conceived child why they don’t have a father but their brother does? How will that child feel as they watch their brother experience having a father whilst they don’t have one and they know it was a purposeful choice that you made for them simply because you wanted another baby?

I would probably go ahead with donor sperm as realistically you would lose a few years meeting and ensuring is the right person - and as much as it might be fine in a few years, it does make a big difference if there are problems.

I think your biggest problem is the fact that one child would have a father and the other would not. Very significant problem.

I say wait and date. You could possibly consider freezing your eggs. Have your next child in a relationship though. It might not seem like it but you have a good few years for someone to come along.

I think if you were keen to start dating again then I’d advise you to wait but I get the impression from your post that maybe you’d only date someone in the hope that it would lead to a baby with them and not because you necessarily want a partner in your life.
An old friend of mine went down the donor route, although this was her first baby.
For the people saying it would be unfair if your first child was going off with their dad but the donor child wasn’t …. that happens countless times if a woman has children by different fathers. Some fathers are more hands on than others. You’d just have to be honest with the donor child.

Agreed. There's absolutely nothing to say that the 2nd father would stick around.

True, but the mother cant be held accountable for the choice a father makes if he himself decides to be a shit dad or not be involved at all.

She is accountable for her own choices though and ultimately, any woman who chooses to use donor sperm and “go it alone” is making the choice to deny a child from having a biological father during their childhood/formative years (and possibly for all their life).

There can be long-lasting impacts of that for a child and so it’s something that should be considered.

I think PP have raised valid concerns about the donor route. If it’s any help for the pressure you feel about your age, I met DH at 36 and had our baby at 41 (got pregnant very quickly once we started trying).

Absolutely.... but she can also guarantee the child was created purely from love and genuinely wanted and is stable enough.

And the OP gets to choose whether that’s more important than a child having the opportunity to have a father in its life.

It’s a big moral issue and many women will have their opinion on it but ultimately it’s the child who will have to bear the consequences of the decision, not the mother.

All OP can do is thoroughly research the topic and make the decision that she feels is best not just for her but also for the child that will be born.

I am a donor mum to 14 year old twins. I became single at 33. Dated for 6 years and took the decision to have kids alone at 36 while dating. I figured that the longer I waited to have a baby the less likely it would happen. Mine was absolutely the right decision. I knew that even if I did meet someone nice, I would not want to have children with him before having a proper relationship. That doesn't happen overnight. Meanwhile the clock continues ticking.

I got pregnant with twins at 39 and was so lucky. It's been the best choice.

I would caution you against taking the advice of anyone on here who hasn't been in your position. Go with your gut. I delayed and delayed because of others' opinions and I wish I hadn't.

Another point is that if I were in your shoes I'd want the children to be relatively close in age if at all possible. And finally on the father point - you may wish to speak to the DCN who are a font of support and advice to women who are considering donor conception.