Should I wait for a partner or consider donor conception?

[N12251234]

Back story, I am going through a divorce. We have been seperated for 2 years now and soon to be ex husband has been dragging his feet with getting housing/fiances sorted. We got together from a young age and were together for 12 years before we split. I am now 32, nearly 33.

We always talked about having a big family, and I have always dreamed of having children of my own. Due to some unforseen circumstances we didn't have our first child until I was 30. 10 weeks after our child was born I found out that he was having an affair that he had started half way through my pregnancy.

I was obviously deverstated, and now feel like my hopes and dreams of a big family are slipping away. I adore my child with all my heart and love being a mum. I would love nothing more than to have another child (or more). Now I know I am only 32 and women have had kids much older than me. I work in the fertility field so I feel like I am constantly reminded of how my fertility clock is ticking.

Obviously in an ideal world I want a 'family' and it's not all just about having a baby. But I have no idea when all this divorce stuff will be sorted and when/if I might find someone else who I would want to have a child with. What if I never meet someone. I'm not even sure some days wether I even want someone else in my life as I am still healing from everyhting that happend with the soon to be ex husband.

Do I wait and hope I meet the man of my dreams and hope that we are able to have kids together. Do I do it on my own and use a sperm donor. But is that crazy to even consider. I have basically raised my child on my own and his dad only sees him a couple of times a month so in theory I feel like I would be fine. I also feel like financially we would be okay. But how would I navigate that as the kids get older and one has a dad they sometimes see and the other doesn't.

All of my friends/ collegeus who had a child around the same time as mine are now either trying for their second or pregnant. I feel so sad that I am in this position. My heart yearns for another child but I just don't know what the right/best thing to do is.

Hi OP,

Im sorry about the relationship break down.

My advice is you are still young and will be completely new to the dating market. People move way faster at a later stage. I have a couple of friends that got to together in mid to late 30s and they are married and having babies way quicker than those who have been together for years. In many cases they've leapfrogged the other couples!

I think you should get yourself back dating when you are ready and aim to enjoy meeting some people for a few months.

If it's financially an option perhaps go for a fertility check up or freeze your eggs? Just so you have peace of mind and can relax a bit. Then you could consider donor in 4/5 years if no one has come along.

I definitely wouldn't leap into a donor. Reminds me of that film with Jennifer Lopez where she meets the man of her dreams straight after!

I would wait. Get through navigating your divorce and starting dating when you’re ready. It’s hormones driving the need for more kids and hormones don’t always have your (or your kids) best interest at heart.

Oh @N12251234 this is such a difficult decision and unfortunately only you can decide. I think for me there would be 2 major things to think about:

Dating
So you feel ready to start dating? Are you already dating? How would you feel if you found 'the man of your dreams' and he didn't want kids or already had kids and didn't want more? How long would you realistically expect to be dating before TTC?

Your daughter
Your daughter pretty much just knows you and her.... then separately she sees her dad a little bit. Dating and then introducing her to a potential partner will be a big change, then moving in together will be another huge change, then adding in a sibling will all be a huge change again. All of this might also happen at her Dad's. You need to make sure enough time lapses between each step so that she can get comfortable/ get used to the changes.

I would wait. I think having a child through donor conception when you already have a child (who has a father) is cruel and selfish. Imagine your oldest child going off with their dad or getting gifts and your younger one not.

I really sympathise with your situation but having a donor conceived child just doesn’t sit right with me.
What will you tell your potential child when they want to know where their Dad is?
How will they feel when their older sibling is being picked up to spend time with their Dad/being taken on holiday/given Christmas presents etc and they don’t have a Dad?

Thank you so much for the advice, it's really appreciated. I feel like I already knew that waiting and seeing was the best option but I just needed somone to also point it out to me to curb my baby brain. I have thought about freezing my eggs too, and I might start properly looking at doing that. Then I as you say, I can relax a bit knowing I have options in the future.