Trying to conceive after miscarriage and surgery, feeling low after eight cycles

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So I’m 33 and I have two amazing kids age 3 and 4, who were conceived on the 1st and 3rd cycle of trying. Last year we conceived baby #3 on second cycle, but I had a very emotionally traumatic miscarriage at 8 weeks for which had surgical management by vacuum aspiration for retained products. There were no complications and my cycles resumed in just under 8 weeks. We started trying again straight away. For me, the only way for me to come to terms with this loss was to reframe it when we conceived again as “I am so grateful for this baby and we never would have had this baby if it were not for the baby that we lost”.

I have now had 8 cycles since the surgery and we still haven’t conceived again despite trying for all this time. Now that my due date has passed, I am feeling a level of grief and depression that I struggle to put into words.

I’ve had a pelvic ultrasound which showed a uterine thickness of 10mm and no structural abnormalities. I’ve also had normal day 2-5 hormonal blood tests and my 7dpo progesterone level unequivocally confirmed I am ovulating.

I have paid to see a private fertility consultant because the uncertainty over what might be wrong with me was affecting my mental health so severely. She was reassuring in the sense that she told me she didn’t think there was anything wrong and that I am still within the 12 month window of “normal”. But I am dubious about this statistic because it is a background statistic and my personal (Bayesian) prior would predict that I would likely have conceived by now if nothing had changed, given my history of fast conception. I appreciate I am older, but I am less than a year older than I was when I conceived on the second cycle.

I am scheduling a private hysteroscopy and biopsy (which tbh we can’t really afford) because of the impact this is having on my mental health.

We haven’t told many friends or family about this because it feels so deeply personal and we don’t want anyone to know we are trying because of the pressure and expectations of others. I am just looking for any stories from people who may have been through something similar? Or was anything wrong if you took a vastly different number of cycles to conceive each time, or was it just chance? I would just appreciate any supportive comments in general. I am feeling very low.

Has your partner been tested?
We had similar, DC1 conceived first cycle, DC2 conceived sixth cycle (but first after stopping breastfeeding), went for number 3 and conceived on the first cycle but had a miscarriage.
Did fertility investigations after a year and found out that my husband had a really low sperm count.
I had also assumed it must be a ‘me’ problem as we’d never had issues conceiving before and there were more obvious changes in my body from pregnancies, births, miscarriage etc.

A semen analysis is relatively cheap in the scheme of fertility investigations and treatments so worth doing.

I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that and that it was a whole year of all the false hope with each cycle. It must have been hard to process that the whole time there was an underlying problem outside of your control. I forgot to mention that my husband has got a semen analysis booked in for about 6 weeks time. But like you did, I’m convinced it’s a me problem, especially because I’ve been messed around with surgically. And for him nothing has changed. I’ll consider this with a bit more weight though now that you’ve told me your experience.
Thank you for responding ❤️

I'm sorry for your loss OP
I suggest you get counselling if your mental health is suffering so badly. Or use the money for private therapy rather than more fertility testing at this stage. Supporting your mental health should be a priority before TTC again, along with caring for your existing children. Every pregnancy is different and TBH 1, 3 or even 11mths to conceive isn't something to be so hung up about right now. Just because you fell quickly previously, doesn't mean you always will.

This site might help. They have a helpline too https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

It starts with an egg is a book which has some useful tips which might help too. You can get cheap copies from ebay. I TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and will never have my own children so I understand how difficult a loss can be. I needed medical management for my 1st and that pregnancy was after 4yr TTC. Remembering due dates etc can be difficult. Wising you all the best and remember that this isn't your fault and you aren't alone x

Hi OP, just to back up what @TammySue has said. We have a 2.5yr old conceived easily and I had a 10 week miscarriage in December. To be honest I expected to be pregnant again within 3 months (like you, this was my way of coping - imagining the future baby that wouldn't have existed without this loss) but it hasn't happened yet. We went for fertility testing in Feb and my husband has got low sperm count and low morphology, which wasn't what we were expecting as conceived fine the first time and he is younger than me!

The sort of good thing about that is there's lots that can be done to try to improve sperm, but for us we're looking at quite quickly going down the IVF route as we started trying in May 25. Of course this needs to be privately funded as we already have one (which appreciate we are very lucky to be able to do).

I track BBT and after my miscarriages (spontaneous, no surgery) I could see that my hormones were loopy for about three cycles. I did ovulate, but my temps weren't normal for me, indicating hormonal issues. From cycle 4 onwards they went back to normal. This definitely doesn't happen to everyone, but did to me, and if you aren't experienced at BBT you might not know. You could have 'lost' a few cycles as your body readjusted.

You only have a 1 in 4 chance on any given cycle (and that's if you are young and have no underlying fertility issues). I have conceived seven babies, and they took between 1 and 6 months to conceive. No fertility issues apart from PCOS (but under control and asymptomatic). I wouldn't say 8 cycles is too far out of the ballpark iyswim, especially considering you may have had a readjustment period of a few cycles.