Is it too late? Nearly 44 and want another child

[FightingTime]

Is it too late for me? I got married later than I wanted and delayed having children even though I wanted lots. And now I’m afraid my chance is slipping away. I’m interested in women’s experiences positive and negative of trying to conceive around this age.

Was there anything you tried that helped?
I deeply love the two children I have and I’m very grateful for them but I also really want another. Has anyone been or is anyone in a similar position? What happened for you?

I’m sad it might be too late for me.

I had a third at 41/42 after a biggish gap (older ones were 6 and 8 when I got pregnant, 7 and 9 when I had him) and it was my easiest pregnancy and happiest post-natal period by far. It took a few months to conceive him (in which I'm pretty sure I had a couple of very early losses), which was a bit longer than with the older ones, whom I conceived immediately or almost immediately, but my father was also dying at the time. I had a sense I wouldn't get pregnant until he had died and I was right: I conceived our youngest just a couple of weeks after the funeral. I am so grateful for our youngest every day and also to my DH for agreeing to try for him -- he didn't want a third and the big gap is because it took me so long to convince him. (He dotes on him now.) But as others have pointed out, statistically there's quite a big difference between 41/42 and 44. A last baby at 41-ish is statistically normal (if you look at populations not using contraception the average age of the last baby is usually around there); in the mid-40s it is always quite a small minority. If you've had a baby fairly recently, though, your odds will be a bit higher than the average. I suppose the question is whether you think you could manage a series of miscarriages, for example.

Trying at that age didn't work for me. As you have two children already, I would not risk the possible less than desirable outcomes by going for another. It's unlikely anyway. Sorry.

I would consider more the issue of your age when they are a bit older. Not just your physical ability and energy to look after them, but also your financial ability to support them into early adulthood when you are nearing pension age and have less income. A third will only add to that difficulty.

i’m also working on experience of my parents and in laws. No way would they have been able to cope with raising kids in their 50s.

My own experience is this …

1. massive reduction in energy from about 48yo onwards.
2. 1 of my two teenagers was incredibly hard work when she was around 13/14/15 Had me in tears most nights. It was by far my hardest age and the thought of simultaneously dealing with that in my late fifties is a horrible thought.
3. when my dds were around 15/16/17 then needed picking up at eg 11pm ish fairly often - work/parties etc I’m a single parent so if I had a younger child who couldn’t be left home alone asleep, their lives wouldnt have been so free

Try reading It Starts With the Egg- it gives a supplement plan to boost egg and sperm quality. I know a few people that fell pregnant in mid ish 40s. Some had an easy time (surprises), some had a harder time, hence all of the supplements, lifestyle changes etc. however you have had a baby recently and so it might not be hard for you. How long have you been trying this time around?

Could you cope if the child was born unhealthy? Also what will the effect be on the other 2 kids. Sometimes best just to count your blessings....

Interesting, thank you. I’ll have a look at that.

We’ve been trying since August, the moment my period came back as my DC2 started solids and reduced breastfeeds. When I tried in the past I took a month or two, and this is late thirties and early forties. I was very lucky. My baby recently turned one and I was hoping to be able to quickly conceive before my fertility dropped too much as I know it goes down dramatically at this age.

This is a consideration even if I were in my twenties. While more likely at my age I do get full NIPT test and would again. I think this would show most genetic issues related to age of the egg?

Thank you for your perspective, that does sound hard.

I had my second at 45, so roughly this age. No real issues to be honest. There are more risks though which you need to be aware of.

@FightingTimeit could also be the stopping breastfeeding perhaps - can take a while sometimes for the hormones to normalise after

You can never be certain despite all prenatal tests
Could be genetic gene defect not covered by nipt . You would need extended panel and even then cannot guarantee. Eg asd cannot be tested for unless is linked to specific disorder. There are many conditions undiagnosed or rare. Older eggs and sperm = more risk. Cp or birth injury cannot be prediagnosed.

There are 6,000 known genetic conditions. Nipt like vistara is the single-gene NIPT from Natera that screens for 25 known skeletal, cardiac, and neurological conditions across 30 genes.

Rare Diseases FAQ https://share.google/S2bzTbeSFGVsNWTkk

So....with two healthy kids why risk? Unless you fully acknowledge the risk and accept it ....which is ok to do .

You would know how things are for you, and what you could balance - but -

At 44 I was still very regular in terms of menstrual cycles etc.
Only 3 years later I feel really unwell through peri, and although I can't prove it has anything to do with this, I experience effects on kidneys etc as well that fluctuate with (now pretty irregular) cycles. HRT has so far not been a magic wand. The thought of having a 2-3 year old, as well as meeting needs of older ones who are having a rocky time with exam preparation, is one I couldn't contemplate.

When you’re making your decision op, and speaking to other parents who have done similar, I would maybe look for the opinions of the 60/70yr olds who’ve seen it the whole way through rather than the 50 year old who’s 2 years in, so that you get the whole picture.

I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds relentless having a child that has lots of extra needs. I do worry about this and worried about this having a first and a second child, every roll of the dice is a risk.

I think those are mostly not age related. It is defiantly a risk having any children that this will happen, and with every healthy child you worry will the next one be unwell and I am rising not just them but the existing child’s happiness and wellbeing.

It is a risk and I don’t know how to properly judge it, I suppose I am just taking the risk again as I did with the first and second child. But the most common age related issues are chromosal mistakes which are covered by NIPT.

I'm 62 and have a teenager at home. It's not so bad!

Having said which, OP, I had two children in my 40s (the second adopted). It was that or never. If I had two dc already I'm not sure I would choose it. Before the menopause I felt like the other mums, pretty much. But an aggressive menopause really aged me and I have found it knackering since. I also hated the whole trying to get pg in my 40s thing, when all the odds seem stacked against you. It is massively stressful, really does your head in.

Well not always. De novo genetic disorders are linked to parental age . And many are not covered by nipt . So you need a realistic assessment if you rely on nipt .

049056v3.full.pdf share.google/zK7VKyNPFFPXE8aAx

Nipt even extended covers most common. (I know several peoplecwho had kids with v rare conditions not covered. So...) but if you willing to accept risk go for it ! Does not mean child cannot be happy

Follow your heart. Honestly.

Yes, you'll have a teenager in your 60s, you might find they keep you young, fit and healthy.

My DH's aunt had her first at 3 years younger and she's mid-20s studying law, living in a flatshare and doing well.

I wouldn't worry about retirement, to be honest. The last generation to enjoy retirement are the boomers and the early Gen X'ers. Latest projections for the retirement age have now gone to 80 (not published, but it doesn't take a genius to work it out).

It's up to you and if nature allows, do so. Everyone's life journey is different and you shouldn't follow some sort of status quo for the sake of pleasing everyone else.

Edited for brevity.

How can you know how you or somebody else will feel at 62 until it happens?

But isn’t it only 1.9% higher chance than with younger parents? And the overall level is still low, sub 2%?

That’s great news and congratulations! That’s heartening, it sounds like you and your baby are thriving. Good luck if you try again with the remaining embryos.

I will keep trying and hope to get lucky and I have now started looking into supplements as well that might help.