Is it too late? Nearly 44 and want another child

[FightingTime]

Is it too late for me? I got married later than I wanted and delayed having children even though I wanted lots. And now I’m afraid my chance is slipping away. I’m interested in women’s experiences positive and negative of trying to conceive around this age.

Was there anything you tried that helped?
I deeply love the two children I have and I’m very grateful for them but I also really want another. Has anyone been or is anyone in a similar position? What happened for you?

I’m sad it might be too late for me.

No idea whether it is "too late" for a baby.
But imagine being 62 and still having a teenager at home..... that will be really hard work!

Could you cope? My dil is 44 with a 2 year old and she's exhausted. The body (and mind) just aren't fit enough to deal with an energetic, vibrant and on the go toddler.

I already have a baby so will be dealing with a teenager in my sixties. But TTC#3 is sadly not happening the way it did for 1 and 2.

"Too late" in the sense of whether you could manage or whether it's okay morally? That's entirely up to you.

Biologically too late? It could be, it's a lottery. Or you could be lucky. Look up miscarriage rates at 44 - it might inform your decisions. Also consider the risk the child will be disabled - my SIL had a child at 45 who has some medical issues that are genetic. What I will say is if it's not happening naturally at this stage, ivf is not likely to bring success either because the egg quality probably isn't there any more.

Also, have you thought about counselling? You have put a really negative spin on your life story - marrying too late, delaying kids etc - when it sounds like there are many positives and probably good reasons for decisions you made.

It’s normal to crave a baby as you reach the end of your productive years, your hormones are sending out a last desperate shout. It does pass and when it does you won’t regret not having a third (and neither will your DC).

OP you will never know until you try. I’d go with the if it happens it happens outlook. For what it’s worth I’m 49 and last year at 48 I had some gynae investigations for suddenly heavy periods. All age related but it was looked into just to be on the safe side and the gynaecologist who checked me out said he reckoned I was still fertile. My womb was the perfect thickness apparently.

You already have 2 children.
i personally think it would be fairly reckless.
Really how would you cope with a severely disabled child?
You have to consider your existing kids...

I say that as someone who started late and has 2 and wanted a 3rd....

It’s mainly egg quality at that age which is why women cannot conceive. Or they have miscarriages. It’s nothing really to do with good womb lining. I tried to have kids for years. Every month my blood tests were great. My womb lining was great. I ovulated bang on time. Periods regular. Never managed to have a live baby. Only a lot of miscarriages.

Technically any women still having periods/ovulating could be considered fertile. Will most of them conceive and carry to term after 45? Unlikely.

I had my first at 44 (started having contractions on my 44th birthday!) - she was healthy and is a thriving 2 year old now. I’ve got 6 embryos stored ( I have a female partner) and we’re now wondering whether to try again. I don’t feel any less well or energetic than in my 30s and I think that if you’re going to have a teenager in your 60s anyway - we will too - then that’s not a thing to consider. I know soooooooo many people that have had children in the 40s and none of these particular children have any current health issues. Go for it i say!

Wow I hadn’t considered it a moral issue at all.

Why wouldn’t it be okay morally?

Biologically too late to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term? Around 99% likely yes. Sorry but you can look up the stats for yourself.

Having embryos already frozen is a different story entirely, obviously.

If you’re serious, book an appointment at a private fertility practice and get your eggs counted. They’ll advise on your chances.

They’ll advise that, if you want to go down the IVF route, you use donor eggs.

So yes, you could you probably could carry a baby, via donor eggs, drugs and money.

I would be grateful for two lovely children and focus on them tbh - rather than spending the precious time when they are small thinking about TTC.

Your own eggs are unlikely to be good enough quality at this age - there’s a chance of course but it’s tiny. So if you’re serious you’re looking at donor eggs and IVF - not straightforward and really I’d query why bother if you’ve got 2 kids already?

I had my DC4 at 43.

I had DCs 1, 2 and 3 in my 20s. With each of them it took 2 months to fall pregnant (coil out, pregnant 2nd cycle, then new coil back in when baby 2/3 months old. Three times like clock work)

Then trying for no.4 - coil out and it took 2 YEARS of real determined trying to fall. Charting and ovulation tracking and everything. It was plain sailing once i fell and she was a lovely healthy baby and is a darling 10 year old now, but i recon it was a close call. I was v lucky. A last chance saloon miracle.

Obvs in the first year i was more easily tired out than when i was 20 something (even with 3 under 5 back then)

It took me a good 6 months to get over the birth. It drained me of every vitamin and mineral in my body i think!

Starting to try at 44 - might be pushing it a bit OP 💐

Then maybe it is too late. It’s different for everyone and obviously your chances of success are lower this time.

I’d have hated to be doing the primary school run and still needing a babysitter in my 50s, but there are plenty of women conceiving in their late 40s, intentionally or not, so it’s obviously not impossible.

I didn’t post this originally but it is a moral query in general to have subsequent children imo, is my wish to have more children for myself, more important than my existing kids’ needs? Pregnancies can be risky, we have less time for the kids we have, we’re under more strain emotionally and financially etc. A third child, especially at your age, is more likely to have disabilities, which would impact your current kids. I presume all of this is what pp meant by the moral dilemma.

I conceived my two kids easily in my 30s and delayed trying for the third we wanted, until I was 40. Not even a sniff of pregnancy despite trying for 3 years. I felt very sad at times, but now at 44 having stopped trying, I can see the advantages to it not happening, like I have written above. I’m starting to go through peri and I just think I’d be exhausted. The longer it went on, the bigger gap there would be and I no longer felt my kids would love a sibling. Sorry if I’m being negative because I get how you feel, I just feel I’m moving through it now.

Your existing children and the potential new baby having an old mother who is likely to leave them when they're still relatively young.

Me too

I had our one and only DS when I was 3 months short of my 42nd birthday, great healthy pregnancy which I sailed through, healthy DS at the end who has been a joy throughout. I’m now (past) mid 60’s and definitely not an old mum! Have a great relationship with our son who still lives at home and can’t imagine life without him in it. Our experience of parenting has been nothing but positive, not perfect, but hey this is life. So, no it’s not too late, if you feel having a much wanted child is the right choice for you then hopefully it will happen for you.

I got a late-ish start too and have 2 DC. I was sobbing on the stairs at 44, telling DH I had made a huge mistake in going along with his vasectomy and considering whether I should convince him to have it reversed. My heart will always want 3 children, but I knew in my head that giving birth at 45 was a) very unlikely to happen and b) crazy. Since you are still in the baby phase it doesn’t seem as crazy in your situation, but it’s also really unlikely that you will be able to conceive and carry to term OP. There is a significant difference in successfully conceiving at 44 vs 42.

You have two children.
You can just keep going if it happens it happens if it does not you appreciate what you already have.
But ficus on the family you have already

My friend got pregnant at 49 (naturally - it was a happy surprise for them). But she's fecking exhausted with a tiny baby and finding it hard that most of her friends of the same age are at a different life stage.

But while one pp said they'd 'hate to have needed a babysitter in their 50s', you experienced footloose freedom in your 30s when the PP was raising kids. So it all evens out in the end!

Do a pro and cons list. You already know the pros having the joy of your other two.

Weigh that up against having a disabled child (strong possibility at your age). Attending hospital appointments, physio etc so you won’t have time to work, fighting for special school place and respite. Still caring for them when they’re an adult and you’re mid sixties.

I’m speaking from experience.