Trying for a 2nd at 46 - anyone had a baby in their mid/mid-late 40s?

[GoldJules]

My female partner and I had our first baby through IVF; I conceived at 43 and went into early labour on my 44th birthday. As we have 6 frozen embryos stored, we're now facing that perhaps inevitable discussion of whether we try again. I am now 46. I'm sure anyone in their 20'/30s early 40s will probably think this is mad - I certainly would have and sort of do, BUT I feel like I in the best shape I've ever been in, not hugely tired (well our 2 year old has had a run of waking up at 5am for around 10 days running so more tired than usual!), I love being a mum and would love our daughter to have a sibling (especially to share that experience of being conceived through the same donor). Is there anyone who has had a baby at this age and if so, what have been the highlights and lowlights? Please be gentle! I know that this isn't for everyone and people may have strong thoughts - I am more looking for the reality of how it's been for people that have done it.

How old is your partner? It would be an easier decision if she’s a few years younger.

She's a year or so older

It's not so much coping now, it's coping with a teenagers and young adults who may still need a lot of support themselves and at the very least should be flying the nest and starting their lives properly. Instead there's a reasonable chance that they will have two parents who will have declining health and all the issues that come with that and won't get the help they need or will be tied to staying close to help. That would be my concern.

To counter the above (and I'm not necessarily saying my opinion is right, just that there are two sides to every argument and it's worth weighing everything up):

I'd suggest that navigating any of the issues (should they occur) highlighted by Lighterandbrighter would probably be easier with a sibling.

I'd also suggest that a couple of years isn't that long in the grand scheme of things (especially given that you have frozen embryos, so quality of eggs etc. won't be a factor). But that does depend on your health, and I'd also be inclined to be influenced by how your own parents/relatives have aged, too.

I had twins age 47. I’m a single mum and work full time in a full-on role.
Energy-wise I’m fine, but never have a second free.
I have friends in mid-40s with a new-born, so don’t feel out of place. My mum also had me in her early-40s and is now a healthy 95-year old.
I’m also comfortable financially, so can buy-in help as needed, and don’t need to worry about delaying retirement for college fees etc.
Your embryos are younger and it would be nice for your child to have a sibling.

If you used donor conception m, then the Donor Conception Network would be a good source of information and networks. Lots of parents of donor conceived children are older.

I was 43 when I had DD. I’ve never felt particularly old or out of place, although I know in some areas I probably would be more of a grandma than a mum!

Both my sisters had bsbies near 50. They are all very happy and the children are healthy.

Go for it. If you feel good, at the peak of your health and energy and feel as though you can manage then you not going to know until you give it a try.. im 40 so a couple years younger but will be 41 in july and we have currently been trying for another baby. I have mainly teens now or adult children that have moved out but we started over and I have a 4yr and a 2 yr old. We have done a couple of ivf cycle but ended up having a mc at 7 weeks with our second transfer from last year. I think your in a great position as your embryos are still young. I have to start all over again so making embryos are not easy.

Thanks for your thoughts x

i think I come at this probably from a slightly different position, because I lost my mum very young as a teenager. I suppose this made me think that nothing is guaranteed i.e. you have even if you have children, when you’re in your 20s and 30,
s, there’s no guarantee of how long they’ll have you for. So if we feel good and strong and fit then I guess why not? I mean that’s how we approached it when we were making with decision with the first one. But yes of course our age and possible health decline this is definitely in our mind and obviously a huge factor in why we make not do it X

If you feel called to try, I think you should. No one can know what tomorrow will bring. We had a lovely surprise child at 43 and my husband is now facing a terminal diagnosis, one that is completely random. I am more thankful than ever for all our children

thanks for this! Yes that’s the thing I think because we’ve already done it quite late with one. I agree that I’m not sure two or three years really makes a difference. My dad’s health is great. He’s in his early/mid 80s, is playing tennis twice a week, has a really full life, travels a lot, so I guess that helps me to be optimistic about me ageing well!

Oh my word, I don’t know how you manage it. That is absolutely amazing that you’ve got twins and that you work full time and you’re a single mum. I feel I should applaud you for that. There’s two of us, yes we both work full-time but we’ve only got one and it’s fairly full on! So first of all massive congratulations. Yes, I can imagine you don’t have a minute. Apparently, if you have children over 40, you’re four times more likely to live at 100! Thanks for this x

Your eggs are from a time when they were viable so that's good.
I think you need to consider how having older parents affects your children in the future.
On the plus side - they'll have a sibling. But they may well not have you around as long as their peers.
I was 36 when I had DD and DH was 43. Tbh I am glad I don't have a 10 year old now I'm in my 50's. DD has had quite a lot of anxiety around us dying - although I suspect she would have had those thoughts regardless of our age.
Life has no guarantees. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Ah thanks for this! I love that you have got two different kind of sets of kids at different ages - very special. Well, my embryos aren’t that young actually, they were frozen when I was 41/42 - but defo younger than I am now x

I think that’s also a very simple and straightforward way of looking it - I if you’re feeling called to try, and I guess I do feel like that. A major factor in not wanting to do it is not wanting that child to be embarrassed by us and our age at that point, but I guess your kids will always find something to feel embarrassed about?!?! I’m sorry about your husband’s diagnosis - that is really rough, I hope you’re okay as can be and can totally imagine that your children are a great comfort x

Thanks - yes we’re definitely considering those things, and of course those are the very things that makes the decision hard. And I’ll be already be having a 10 year in my 50s so yes, there we have it x