Not sure, not sure at all - am I TTC or not? (long soz)

[auntyspan]

We have a DD who is 2.4 and myself and DH have just got married. I always thought I would like another child (DD was unplanned but very much loved) and as I'm 34 I thought I would naturally want to start TTC after the wedding. However, now the time is here I"m not so sure.

I had a rough pg with DD, and after pre-eclampsia was picked up at 39 weeks I was induced early and had an emergency c-section. Had MAJOR babyblues afterwards, felt totally overwhelmed by the experience, bf didn't go to plan and generally had a rough time of it as I didn't bond with DD until she was about 4/5 months old.

I fell pg when DD was 5 months (hadn't had a period, didn't know I'd ovulated) and miscarried at 10 weeks. DH didn't want number 2 and I was in such a state I was on the verge of considering a termination.

I want my DD to have a sibling but I'm not sure I can go through all this again. I didn't cope very well with DD, and sometimes still feel completely out of my depth and wonder if I have really ever properly bonded with her, I can't go through the guilt of feeling all that again.

DH is leaving it up to me. He has no real desire to have any more kids but understands the reasons for having another. He adores DD and she adores him so I don't have any worries about his relationship with me, DD or the new baby if I decide to go ahead.

I just don't know what to do.

Sorry if I've posted this in the wrong section.

Auntyspan, I'm sure more knowledgeable posters will respond to you, but I didn't want to leave you unanswered.

It sounds like you had a rough birth and found the early days tough. I know that I would have been gutted if I discovered I was pregnant when our DS was 5 months old and to have to cope with coming to terms with that and then the miscarriage must have been really hard for you.

I'd suggest that you go and talk either to your doctor or your HV,as I think you need to discuss this with a professional.

I'm sure your DD will be fine either way. Lots of children are onlies and it does them absolutely no harm.

bumping for you hun x

Hi auntyspan

Not sure I have any pearls of wisdom for you except that it sounds like you had a very traumatic birth experience and this may well be affecting how you felt about your DD at first and also impact on your feelings towards trying again. Like you I had PE with my first and v hard early weeks (DS was born at 30 weeks)- I read some info from the Birth Trauma Association (see: www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/) and also Action on Pre-eclampsia (APEC) and decided I really needed to reconcile myself with all that had happened with my DS before thinking about no.2 DC. I paid to get a copy of my medical notes from the hospital (which you have a legal right to) and my GP arranged a consultation with an obstetrician who specialised in PE & high risk pregnancies- together we went through in detail what had happened and even though this wasn't meant to be emotional counselling I found it had a similar impact- I felt like I could finally put everything that happened behind me and move on- and also realised how I'd been feeling was completely natural and in a way a form of post-traumatic stress disorder.

We went on to TTC no.2 and I fell pregnant very quickly. My DD has some issues but the pregnancy went well in comparison to my first and my 2 DCs absolutely adore each other- I am so happy they have each other and life although tough at times is full of much laughter. We are now even considering at some point trying for no. 3!!

I guess what I'm saying is maybe by working through with an "expert", e.g. midwife or obstetrician, what happened with your DD you may find you feel more positive about trying for no.2- or at least it may help crystallise your thoughts and feelings about it all.

Good luck. I know how hard these decisions can be.

xx

Auntyspan - I have no advice but I wanted to let you know that I am going through similar feelings myself at the moment. I am very sorry to hear about your m/c. It must have been so hard to find out you were pg, feeling how you feel, and then have the decision taken away from you so brutally.

In many ways I would like another, despite what happened previously, almost to heal some old wounds. I think I would probably cope better with everything the second time around now that I know what to expect. But only you know how you feel about that. Good luck with your decision. xx