Child #3 in your 40s

[blueskyblueseablue]

I have been considering having a third child. At 43, part of me advises against it, but another side encourages me to go for it. I started having children later in life and I have young kids. I also started being conscious about my age although I am quite slim, fit, and people are often surprised to learn I am in my forties. What's your experience with having three children? Is it totally unmanageable? Would it be very selfish to have another one in my mid forties?

Personally I wouldn’t. Risks are so much higher. I’d stick to the two DC you already have.

Our finances are solid, and our relationship is very strong. We’ve also managed through some tough times together and got to the other side stronger. I love him a lot, and he loves me too. We’re definitely soul mates. He’s usually very relaxed about things and wouldn’t mind, but I’m a bit torn. I don’t want to pressure anything, if it happens, that’s great; if not, that’s okay too.

I did it. Number 3 at 42. We adore her. She was an easy baby /child. But we’re both bloody knackered and tbh, our marriage now isn’t in great shape. Oh and the third pregnancy triggered adenomyosis…
I don’t regret having her as she’s amazing. But other parts of my life would have been easier if I hadn’t.

IMO I think having babies in your 40s should only be if you have yet to have them. 44/45 being woken 20 times a night- no way. Having to schlep to a park every day to run round after a toddler- no way. Do I love a baby- yes- I would love to go back and revisit a day with my children as newborns, would I want to raise another child at 40, add another persons washing and cooking to my life- nope!

If you are already in the trenches with small children then you may as well give it another whirl and try for a third.

It's not about whether you can cope with a baby in your 40s, but what about an 18 year old in your 60s? As young people tend to "launch" later these days, you could still have them at home when you're 70, with all the tension that brings.
I very much doubt you'll have the energy, and it seems unfair on the kid.

Well being an older mother is already baked in. I'm not convinced it would take much more energy to live alongside three adult children in my sixties compared to two - if it came to that.

I say do it, give yourself a cut off date if you haven’t fallen pregnant by x date then you stop.

I know a few mums who all had kids in there 40s. If you already have little ones then it’s not really adding that much.

Go for it. So many negatives. If your still fit and healthy and think you can manage them, then go for it. People are going to advise you against it because they couldn't imagine it for themselves. I have 10 children, they are all adults and teens now but we started over and now have 1 turning 4 and the youngest turning 2. We are trying for one more, im 40 and husband is 41. We get nothing but negative comments because of our family size and because of our ages. Most of those negative comments are on apps like these and you have to remind yourself that those people would never utter such harsh words if they had the chance to say it to your face and most of them are negative because they could never manage it themselves and then project. The best thing I ever did in my life was have my children, I enjoyed every moment and i could never imagine doing anything different. yeah the teenage years are brutal and by far the hardest stages but raise your kids right and it makes it a lot easier. When we make the decision to expand our family we dont let anyone else outside of my husband and I to have a decision or an impact on our decision making. Id never ask a community group what their thoughts would be on expanding my family especially at my age and the size if my family because there would be nothing but harsh and negative comments. In my opinion, if you can afford it, have the time and energy and you are managing well then it doesnt matter how old you are or how many kids you already have then go for it. Iv never regretted expanding.

Only you can decide….I had 2 at 25 and 27….then had a 3rd at 32 ….if I had my time over I wouldn’t have done it…..my 2nd child was in school and I back at the beggining again….and that 5 years made a massive difference…the kids were at different stages when it came to activities and holidays….finding a babysitter for 3 much harder….eldest 2 would go to one SIL and youngest to another SIL….life with 3 is harder and more expensive…….holidays are more expensive…..like lots more expensive …life is set up for 2 kids having 3 doesn’t fit that mould….and being older and more knackered …..no way could I have had a child in my 40s but again this is a personal decision

I have similar gaps to you @Cat1504 and have had a completely different experience. When dc3 was born I had the opportunity to catch up on sleep while he napped and the older children were at school. The older kids enjoyed having a younger sibling to fuss over and he enjoys that attention. They're 18, 16 and 11 now and I think it's been a breeze.

It's definitely more expensive and I wouldn't start again in my forties but if that ship has already sailed then - so long as it's affordable - then, the more the merrier.

I’m about to have my daughter in the next few weeks, I am nearly 43. Pregnancy has been fine although I’m more tired than when I was pregnant in my 20’s. The level of care has been very good from the hospital, extra checks etc due to age. There seems to be a lot of new mums in their 40’s, if it’s what you want and you are financially secure then go for it. I’m fortunate that I won’t need to go back to work so that’s a bonus of being an older mum as I didn’t have that luxury the first time around.

Only you can decide what is right for your own life and circumstances.

Im the same age as you & I think pro s and cons would be:

Pros 1) having another family member and kids having another sibling to hopefully love &
support them through life, 2) getting to do the cute again and 3) child not being alone if something happened to sibling (a particular worry of mine that I don’t like saying aloud!), 4) no regrets of not going for it, 4) giving one child a same gender sibling (my son really wants to brother).

Cons 1) risks, 2) costs including potentially giving existing children less (may not apply to you, would to me), and 3) the actual work of raising a child through each different life stage, along with the challenges, worries etc.

Maybe you will think of more of each for your own circumstances.

Well get you🙄

Thank you!

Happily going to have my third at 41 next year. We have a modest income, I’m disabled and he’s my carer, and I have two older children from a previous relationship.

Perfectly happy to go back to the baby stage. I co slept with both and don’t have a sleep training/babies in their own room philosophy, so didn’t struggle with nights. So that’s not always a default “oh god” stance regarding having a baby. You don’t have to be knackered. It depends on other factors in your life.

Only you can decide really. I had a 13yrs age gap with mine but with a much younger age (before I was 30)... but my boyfriend/ex had a 27 year age gap of 19 and 46! Both are happy.

My DH had two when we married (I was 40, he 44). We had ours at 41 and 43. A number did ask us if we were going to have another. But frankly we didn’t want to risk it - we were fortunate that I got pregnant quickly and our children were healthy. But to get pregnant again and have one at 44/45? With the added risks even if it did happen? No. Four kids, even quite wide apart, was enough.
And you know what? My DH died suddenly at 51, when our kids were 4, 6, 19 and 21. That turned our world upside down. You never know what’s around the corner.

I don’t know why I feel this way, but I would like another child. I never thought about this before having children and always imagined having no more than two. Now, though, it feels like our family would be complete with three. It was difficult to conceive my two, so it may not even be possible.
And maybe that would be for the better.

Similar this post; My parents had my youngest (fourth) sibling when they were 43 (mum) and 48 (dad) after 10 year hiatus. My dad died just under two years later. He lived a much healthier lifestyle than my mum, who lives a very unhealthy lifestyle and is very much still with us.

The experience made me want to avoid having children later in life so many reasons - the impact it had on my mum and myself/siblings. I may feel differently in my 40s. But as it stands I'll stop in my 30s.

Ultimately its down to you, everyone's situation is different. Just prioritise whatever you decide is best for your existing children.

I was surprised at how reduced fertility was post 40. First two conceived first month of trying in my 30s. Tried for 3yrs for 3rd from 40 with not even a sniff of pregnancy. I know we can say we are ok what happens either way but I think when you’ve decided you’re trying to make it happen, it’s very difficult to have that easy-oasy attitude, much as we want to.