Dealing with the mental side of TTC (8 months)

[roamingcat]

Hi all,

I'm looking for a bit of advice/support on the mental side of trying to conceive. My partner and I (early 30s) have been trying for 8 months sadly with no results. I had been off hormonal contraception for a long time before we started trying, we don't smoke, hardly drink, are a healthy weight etc so we were really hoping for it to happen quickly.

My cycles are like clockwork and I've been getting positive ovulation tests each month at around the right time so we are struggling to understand why it's not happening. We're currently in the process of fertility testing with a private clinic to see if we can understand what's going wrong. My partners SA came back with morphology of 1% (now taking proxeed) but aside from that everything so far has been normal. I wonder if I could have a progesterone issue as I do get a bit of spotting each month before my period, so I have a blood test coming up to check that.

However, we're both finding this situation increasingly harder to deal with mentally. We're at an age where all of our friends have children, or are pregnant (and it only took them a few months max) which is making things even harder. I struggle to enjoy spending time with a lot of friends now as the topic is often babies or getting pregnant (including how sad they are that it hasn't happened in the couple of months they've been trying...), which is difficult for me to hear/talk about. I feel like such a failure for not being able to get pregnant and it's just getting harder and harder to deal with.

If you've been in this situation is there anything that helped you? Does anyone have any positive stories of hope where it just happened after a few months even if there was no clear reason why it hadn't before?

Been pregnant 5 times. First with my ex took 2.5 years. Then 6,9,6,3 months respectively. Up to a year is considered totally normal and doesn't mean there's any underlying issues. It can just feel very frustrating. My top tips are kept busy, keep doing things you love, don't test early and basically just try to keep on living life!

If you get to over a year trying then get in touch with your GP and they should be able to do some tests to help rule out some of the most common causes for it to take a while to get pregnant. Good luck!

8 months isn’t long to be trying. I took 9 to conceive my first. My best advice is to relax, I know it’s hard but honestly, do yoga and reflexology etc. Relax.

Just to add - the clinic we've been speaking to have said the NHS recommendation of a year is based on waiting list length/capacity rather than biology. This is why it's only 6 months for over 35s. They also said they would expect 2 healthy adults of our age with no other factors (e.g. smoking, coming off contraception) to have conceived within 6 months, even if we lost that/it was a chemical pregnancy.

It is tough @roamingcat. I lstarted ttc at 32 but didn’t have a DC until I was almost 38. Almost 6 years and a whole lot of heartache in between. My tips:

• keep pursuing joy and celebrate yourselves as a couple. Do the fun stuff, go on holiday etc. Don’t lose this time to worry.
• The longer it goes on the more you think the baby will make life perfect. It doesn’t! Again, take this time to have the lie in, read the parenting books and research the type of parent you want to be.
• get good testing done. I had three cycles of IVF I didn’t need - turned out all I needed was to reduce inflammation (did this through healthy diet and acupuncture) aspirin to help with blood clotting whilst ttc and then progesterone and blood thinners when pregnant.
• use the more expensive clear blue smiley ovulation sticks - after all the above I conceived first time of trying for a second DC, age 41!

As others have said, 8 months ttc is still normal. Hang in there. ❤️

Clinics are ultimately businesses and there to make money. They want you to pay for their tests etc, it's important not to forget that (sadly some are worse than others at exploiting people's worries). A year IS normal. 84% of couples will conceive naturally within a year.

Yes, it is most likely that you'd conceive within 6 months but that doesn't mean something is wrong if it is between 6-12 months. You may just be an outlier on the graph (some people have to be outside the most common line and not fit the most likely scenario, it's how averages work!)

Also - I missed your comment about 1% morphology. Normal is 4% or above, therefore that could easily be your cause of it taking a little longer.

Hey lovely started trying at 30, although unprotected for years before as would have been happy with a surprise. I’ve had four losses and one successful pregnancy. I have pcos and took two to three years to conceive because periods were irregular so a lot of lifestyle work to get that sorted, then first two losses were likely down to low progresterone, third loss was suspected ectopic. Had our baby boy in 2022 and then sadly this year we lost a baby girl at 10 weeks due to having turner and now at my age of almost 39, we are one and done and ready to move on.

throughout this all my friends and family have popped out so many babies. Friends who haven’t lived the advised lifestyle to get pregnant in any way, or avoided stress. Literally countless people who just went “yeah we’ll try for a baby” and then instantly fell pregnant and it worked out.

it was hard, we’ve lost a few friends along the way sadly but if I was doing it all again here’s the thing id do differently:

• Talk to a counsellor sooner if you can, I waited until I’d after first three losses and I wish I went when trying
• Be open with people if you feel comfortable to, but just dont expect this to result in people being understanding and emotionally intelligent with their own baby news etc. my sad experience on this journey is that unless people really relate, they are largely insensitive but really don’t mean to be. It’s hard but accepting that has stopped me hating so many people. (At the advice of my therapist I made it clear to my oldest best friend I hate pregnancy news in person as it’s so triggering, yet she thought the best way to tell us was at our best friends engagement dinner with a camera in our faces to capture the reaction 🤣)
• Find a tribe of people who can relax, escape and be comfortable around - I gravitated to my mates that didn’t want kids/ were done having kids, older family etc. it’s just less unrest
• Find something healthy to keep you occupied during Covid it was walking the dog for me, other times it’s been swimming or the gym etc.
• Plan around your cycle. Up until recently I’d avoid certain social plans in the run up and during my period. Not easy for events set months ahead but easy for general socialising.
• if you can afford it, do nice things with your partner. Weekends away, dinners, days at home, walks etc. Make the small world between you two as lovely as you can
• Finally - and this is hard but important- don’t put yourself in scenarios you struggle with unless absolutely necessary. I wish I did this sooner. If you don’t want to go to baby shower don’t. You don’t have to be honest, but just give yourself the grace to make the excuses. Otherwise you’ll become more and more resentful to others.

good luck and mind yourself. It’s hard no matter how long you’ve been at it so don’t be tough on yourself x

Yeh respectfully this just isn’t true. Plenty of people conceive after the 6 month mark even if they have no issues in themselves. The percentage of actually conceiving each month is very low, it’s a roll of a dice.

Everyones journeys are unique to them and their bodies! I sympathise because we all start off thinking ttc is a easy job untill reality hits us. It can become frustrating when other s seem to get pregnant so quick and you've tried every bloody trick in the book.

Best advise I could give is not give up your life in the process. Still do the things you enjoy! Still go out, get some extra holidays in have lazy days eating crap with a series to binge watch. Have that bottle of wine.

Your doing all you can by the sounds of it.

Oh BTW I totally gave up (4 years trying) convinced wasnt going to happen, decided we was one and done stopped all the ttc madness with vitimins this and that. I got pregnant 1st time not using contraception on a one off. It can happen xxx

We know plenty of people do conceive after 6 months, its just that most do within 6 months. If you google it - 80% of people comceive in 6 months so we're outliers that we haven't. All our friends conceived within 6 months.

Yup we're conscious this could be the reason why (but also note that morphologys role in fertility is disputed) so we wont know more for a few months until/unless his result improves and it does or doesn't happen. This is why it would be silly to be super hopeful that it'll just happen when we very well know it might not without help

I have no advice because I'm in a similar boat (1 year TTC#2, but my issue is losing pregnancies rather than conceiving). It's so hard and can totally consume you. It's such a horrible waiting game because you could get pregnant next month and all the googling and worrying was pointless, or it could take months longer.

I keep telling myself it'll all be worth it when we finally get our baby and then won't wish to have conceived earlier because we'd have a different baby. And it's super unlikely that you'll never get your baby when you're "only" 8 months into trying so it all will be worth the wait. I hate saying only because while it is short and common to take that long, 8 months of your life is a long time!

Thank you, this is super helpful and gentle advice ❤️

Then you’re an outlier and will have to come to terms with that but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen for you. For all you know you could fall into the percentage of people who naturally conceive in the remaining 6 months.

Also stop comparing yourself to your friends. Their journey is not your journey and a lot of people lie about how long it takes them to conceive anyway.

How did you know you needed to reduce inflammation and can you share more about how you did this?

Hi lovely,

TTC can really consume you and it’s so hard to not let it

I understand the frustration of everyone around you being pregnant/parents - we are in the same boat with 1 miscarriage on our journey so far, you feel the pain of what you don’t have alongside feeling somewhat “left behind”

If I’m spiralling I repeatedly tell myself two things - comparison is the thief of joy and what is meant for us will come at the right time.

As others have said don’t put your life on hold/not plan things because of the what ifs, tomorrows not promised so try and enjoy the lovely life you have with your partner whilst on the journey, wishing you lots of luck 🤍

Thank you for such a kind response, best of luck to you too ❤️