To go for a third or stick with two

[xidrinkwinex]

I am so very lucky to have 2 beautiful dds. Now 3&6. We are out of the trenches. Life is getting easier. We are having so much fun. We are getting sleep. Getting more time as a couple etc.

I have always had my heart set on 3. Time goes so fast. The years are short. I do not feel done in anyway.

But. I am finding the decision so hard! How to know when to try again, or when to stop!

opinions please x

ps. I don’t drink wine!

I’ve got 3.
DC3 was absolutely not planned!

But DC3 slotted right into the family like she’d always been there. I found her to be by far my easiest baby. DC2 in particular adored her from the moment she was born - even now they are 9 & 6, and her big brother is her best friend. All 3 of mine get on well most of the time, they play together, look out for each other at school etc
Having 3, IMO isn’t that much different day to day than having 2! You’re already used to juggling more than one child’s needs simultaneously so it’s nowhere near the shock to the system that going from 1 to 2 children is!
The negatives are that you’ll need a bigger car, and with the ages your DCs are, you need something that fits 3 car seats - so either a minivan with a 3rd row of seats or a car that fits 3 car seats safely across the back, and there’s really not that many on the U.K. market that do!

The world is also designed with families of 2 adults and 2 children in mind! Days out where places offer “family tickets” for a set price, holidays etc you’ll always be one family member more than the deals accommodate.
When they are really little, a third child doesn’t make that much more of an impact on the family finances…but when they get older? Then you really notice it. Christmas, extra curricular activities, getting invited to birthday parties, juggling school events when they are in different school year groups etc can be expensive and a pain in the arse to fit it all in.

Bedrooms? Would you eventually have to upsize your home to accommodate 3 teenagers? That’s another potential cost to factor in.

If you’re financially in a good place to manage a third child in the long term, then all the negatives (apart from juggling the extra scheduling clashes!) kind of cancel themselves out 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wanted three and had three…. All super cute.
but what a ride…. Now: 17, 15 and 13.
DC1: ADHD and EHCP. It was quite rocky but things turned out well (touch wood!) he is now doing 4 a level in a good 6th form, plays lots of football, has friends
DC2: always super quiet, always difficult to make friends, now on the pathway for autism - self harming, using drugs, lonely - but super academic and in line for 4 a levels in an excellent 6th form (id rather he did 3 a levels in an average 6th form and not self harm or use drugs)
DC3: despite being 13.5 he hasnt started the “metamorphosis” into a teenager yer. Still cute… but for how long. Has adhd with asd traits but it is mild (for now!) Has friends, play some sports, spends a bit too long on computer games.

Do you have neurodiversity in your family? We didnt know we had but now we know the signs we can clearly see patterns in our families.
Do you have good support around you?
Do you have the financial means? It is really expensive…
How will you cope when they are teenagers?
we have a big house to accommodate four double bedrooms in a nice area with good schools. Our mortgage repayments are killing us…
i am no superwoman so we had help 3 evenings a week for 3 hours until very recently. (We have no family around) and DP very busy job.
i took a career break until DC3 started reception. Then worked part time during school hours (mostly). i went back to work full time 3 years ago.

Lots of positive about having three but the day to day reality is hard…

If i had to do it again I would but id be more financially minded right from the start.

We stuck at 2 dds and thrilled we did. We all love travel reading and theatre so have had many fantastic holidays and experiences as a 4. They get on really well. Now in the university years and it’s flipping expensive. So glad we stopped at 2. Why make life difficult for yourself? Unless you really love child care maybe.

We were in your position 3 years ago and did go for a third. DC3 certainly did not slot in in our house, it was my worst pregnancy and birth and DC3 screamed for the first 6 months of their life and still doesn’t sleep through most nights 2 years later. Certainly a shock to the system after 2 fairly placid babies who were reasonable sleepers.

We had to buy a new car and as another poster has said, ones that fit 3 car seats are few and far between. We also moved house as DC1 is ND so sharing with DC2 wasn’t really an option. Also, the world is definitely not set up for families of 5, now DC3 is over 2 we are finding we can’t book hotel rooms etc easily as most only accommodate 2 adults and 2 children. We are taking our parents on holiday with us next year and utilising their room for one of the children to get around this. We utilise a lot of family support on a weekly basis to make things work and are lucky to have parents who help out with childcare to keep costs down. Without them it would be a lot more expensive and a lot harder!

All of the above being said, the reason we decided to go for DC3 was because of a feeling our family was not complete and that we would never regret a child we had but might regret not having one. And this is 100% true! Despite the extra costs, the sleepless nights and the chaos that is our life… DC3 completes our family and I would make the same decision again.

If you do it, my advice is don't wait too long. I have a six year gap between dc2 and dc3 and now that they are 21, 18 and 12 I am absolutely shattered. The teen years with dc1 and 2 have used me up and spat me out, but I've still got years to go. I don't have regrets and I love them all so much, but I'm so tired.

Similar to you, mine are 3 and 1. We have decided to go for it - currently 5 weeks today.

Admittedly there was a lot of back and forth. But ultimately we decided it's best to get out the way while we're still in the "trenches". I'd rather get the pain out the way than drag out.

However, we sleep trained so both our kids have been sleeping through the night since 6/7 months. They've also been sharing a room since youngest was 8 months. Neither of them (touch wood) appear to me neurodivergent from what I understand. My friends, and to some extent Mumsnet, helped me recognise these as privileges / advantages.

We'd need to get a bigger car, and eventually a bigger house. And we've saved enough that we could do both tomorrow if we wanted, but are taking a relaxed, timed approach.

It’s more fun but much harder work. Also we’re at that stage where caring and worrying responsibilities for our parents are keeping us up at night. And one thing I didn’t appreciate (and I had three non sleepers and worked a demanding job) is that whilst the years til 5 (stares at still non sleeping 9 year old) are totally physically demanding and all encompassing, parenting teenagers is another level of emotional/mental emptying of my soul.

I adore having 3 though and wouldn’t change it for the world. It would have been much easier with family support.

so many annoying small things like not fitting in one taxi, which car do you get, family tickets etc etc but non are important if you feel like you want and can manage another child and provide all they need including love.