Some cheering up needed here, desperate to start TTC but circumstances conspiring against us....(long)

[LittleMyDancing]

So....have posted on this before but could do with some MN style support again....Not sure if it should be in this topic or miscarriage, to be honest, but hey ho.

We lost our second son at 20 weeks in Feb (very severe heart defect, we reluctantly went for a termination) and unfortunately I was on a fixed term contract at work (maternity cover) which ended in March and wasn't renewed. I knew it wouldn't be renewed, but as the baby was due in June that wasn't going to be a problem.

Now we find ourselves with no baby and I don't have a job, and we can't afford for me not to be working when we have another DC. (I know I could get MA but don't know how we'd survive the 9 months of pregnancy with me out of work - only have enough money to last until Sep.)

Have been looking for a job since March with no luck yet, but I'm feeling really frustrated because even when I get one, which doesn't seem to be happening, I feel I ought to wait a bit to settle into the job before TTC number 3. So I feel like the next baby is ages and ages and ages away, and I'm terrified that by the time we try I'll be too old (I'm 34) and it won't work....

And of my two friends who were also due in June, one has had her baby, the other one is about to....and I ran into another girl from my antenatal class today who announced that they're having another one in November....and I just wanted to cry when she told me. And then she said 'You look well, have you lost weight, you look much thinner' and I wanted to scream 'That's because last time you saw me I'd just lost a 20 week baby, you stupid woman!'

I know she didn't mean to be insensitive.

And DH is still grieving and I don't think he wants to TTC yet even if we could afford it, because he thinks I need to start working again to get myself back onto an even keel mentally, which is probably true.

And now we've booked to go on holiday in July with some friends who had their second DC in March, and I'm starting to wonder if it's a good idea, if just seeing pregnant people makes me feel like this.

Someone wave a magic wand and make it ok for us to start TTC right now, please! I just want to get on with it....

LittleMy-I just wanted to say that I sympathise. Our second baby had Trisomy 13 so we also reluctantly went through a termination (though at 12 weeks so earlier than you.) For health reasons we had to wait a while to TTC again and it was tortuous. I was lucky that I got pregnant very quickly when we did try but the months in between were like limbo and it was hard hearing or seeing others pregnancy news. What I would say- with the very easy to say now-benefit of hindsight, is that those months of grieving were very important and I found being pregnant again very hard. I do not know how I would have coped if I had got pregnant straight away. Of course, of the other hand, it would have been hard whenever it happened.

As notherner said, you will find a new normal. Experiences like this do change you, so I really hope you and your DH can get through this together, and in a way, brush aside work, money etc when really talking about what having another pregnancy/child would mean

Good luck

Thanks majormoo - so sorry to hear about your baby

but it's really interesting to hear that being pregnant again was difficult. I think I have this idea that it would make everything alright, but that's probably a bit daft, isn't it?

I think I'm realising that DP and I need to talk about this all a bit more - I haven't really given him the opportunity to tell me how he feels, just assumed that he feels the same as I do.... [shame emoticon]

I knew what you meant!

Off to bed now but i'll keep looking out for your posts Littlemy and hope you can have good discussions with dp.

Oh my goodness LMD, you've been through so much. When you say you can't afford for you not to be working, do you mean you might have to move to a smaller house or that you really couldn't afford it? Have you looked at the tax credits you'd get in different scenarios for example? Don't forget to factor in the childcare costs - I'm sure you've done all this. I know it sounds dreadful reducing it down to financial practicalities, but honestly if that is what is holding you back then you need to see if you can find a way.

Having had real trouble conceiving my first child I am very much of the opinion that you really cannot plan these things. Things are far from ideal for us - I'm on a year's contract having packed in a horrendous job, and DH's work was incompatible with family life. So I'm a WOHM hoping for my job to go permanent and DH is a SAHD - not where either of us wanted to be in an ideal world. But we're coping and I wouldn't change things for the world if it meant not having DS.

HTH a bit (and your DS is gorgeous!)

Thanks Twinklemegan for your wise words and compliments about DS - always welcome!

I guess we'd reached a certain standard of living with me working 3 days a week which we'd be reluctant to give up, not that it's luxurious or anything but we're happy and we feel it's a good life for DS.

If I became a SAHM and took DS out of nursery completely, then we could just scrape by, but I don't think I'd be happy doing that because he loves his nursery so much and gets lots out of it, and I do enjoy working as long as it's not FT. So it does make sense for me to get a job before TTC, it's just so frustrating feeling the days pass by and sending off applications which seem to vanish into a black hole.

and I do wonder whether the DCs we want should come first, and the rest of life be arranged around that.

My rational head says 'Wait till you have a job' and my emotional head says 'Baby! Now!'

I think maybe DP and I need to sit down and set a time limit - if I don't have a job by XXX time, then we decide to go the SAHM route and work out how to do that, and start TTC. Otherwise this could go on for a while!