Should we try for baby or is it a bad idea?

[Radgieloz]

Hi, looking for some opinions. I've always wanted to have children, and was married previously for 12 years - we tried for 8 years and unfortunately were unsuccessful. Tests didn't show any reason why, but it just didn't happen.

I separated from my husband 2 years ago and am now with a new partner. He has 2 grown up children in their 20s and a 12 year old daughter. However he has said he'd be very happy to try for a baby with me.
I'm not sure if it's a bad idea though - firstly due to our ages (I'm 42 and he is 53), also he has become a grandad recently. I think it could be weird for the child having much older parents and siblings, and also am aware of the risks of having a child later in life.
At the same time though, I feel like the next year or so is pretty much my last chance to be a mum, and I know we'd be great parents for our child. I get so upset at the thought of not even trying.
So torn!

Just do it. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Assuming you are both healthy?! I am 40 and my husband is 59. We have 2 children together, 13 and 3! He also has an adult child of 31 and a grandchild. We are trying for our last one! Good luck with whatever you decide.

@BabyBorn thanks! That makes me feel better. Good luck to you both too 😊

I had my last at 43. My sister had hers at 45. If you want one go ahead.

Anyone in their 50s is too old to have a baby.

Higher risk of autism with older dad

Sorry but if you only separated from DH two years ago it doesn’t sound like you’ve been with this guy long enough to know he’ll make a good co-parent. The chances of the relationship lasting aren’t high so are you just thinking of him in that way - that he’ll give you a kid and that’s the important thing, not that he’s really a viable partner or that you’ll be a family unit. I don’t like the idea of an older guy offering to give you a kid in this way tbh. He’s already got grown up kids, an almost teen, grandkids and now he’ll sire a baby with his new-ish younger girlfriend. It feels icky to me. Better to go the sperm donor route officially if it’s that important to you. Much less messy and less risky, although still has it’s challenges ofc

Just saw your line about knowing you’ll be great parents together - think you need to be more clear eyed about this, given that it’s early days after your divorce and he’s got his own track record of things not working out great.

I think go for it, let’s be honest (and I’m the same age) it’s the last chance saloon.

it’s highly unlikely so why not give it a try?

It's your last chance, I would try and if it works out it works out.

Hell no!

Are you happy/able to raise the child on your own if the relationship doesn’t work out? That would be the question I’d be asking myself, as realistically you haven’t been together that long.

But if the answer to that question is yes, then I say go for it. At your age it really is now or never if you are certain you want to try for a child. I say this as someone who had DC1 on my own via IVF as a SMBC at age 41 and is now trying for DC2 with embryos frozen from the same round (I’m now 44 so I can’t cycle again - it’s rare for own egg IVF to be successful once you are past 42/43).

Why do women think 40 is old because these days it isn't. Anyway our youngest are twins 3 and 4 and I'm 41 soon to be 42 and wouldn't change a thing and our older children adore them however my hubby is same age as me aswell so maybe energy levels wise your new man might be a little lower but hey if you want to try why not as it really doesn't matter what age a mum or dad you become nobody knows what tomorrow will bring

So many negative comments, jeez! People have kids together by accident only after knowing each other for mearly weeks and sometimes they work out if not they work it out together and co parent just fine. There is no perfect time to have a child no matter what any one says to you.

In my opinion absolutely go for it!!! Your only getting older and no relationship is guaranteed no matter how long you have been together. Your getting in to the age where you cant wait around for the perfect moment, you just have to go for it and make it work if you are both successful. Your partner sounds 100% on board so thats the first step. He sounds supportive so he already sounds like a great partner plus he already has kids and if he is great with them, then you already know how he will be with a child between you. The only people opinions that matter is yours and your partners no one else's especially when its negativity. If you want a baby then go for it. If it hasnt happened in the past then its could be highly likely you might need assistance or run new tests for both you and your partner. Good luck.

Quickly take vitamins and stop contraception! What contraception do you use?

Your body will take it from there but at least you know you tried.

it’s the most amazing thing in the world!

Go for it. I’m currently pregnant at 42. We are both in our second marriage and wanted to see if we could have one together and it happened. I think you know your mind more in your 40’s and have more patience and I’m sure you will be a great mother if it’s blessed to happen xx

It's up to you Only you know if you want too. IMO I don't think you should. Your relationship is fairly new and partner is to old.

I agree. Paternal age over 40 increases the chances of a child with SEN. This will increase even more for fathers in their 50s. There’s also risks due to maternal age over the age of 40 like Downs.

Maybe because we’re in our 40s and feel knackered! Check out the meno threads to see how a lot of women feel when peri kicks in, which can often be before 45 - the exhaustion is next level even with hrt. Maybe OP will be one of the luckier ones, who knows, but it’s not some made-up notion that 40s is old for becoming a mum. Sure it’s more common now but that’s a different matter to the biology of it.

Thanks everyone, some useful comments both positive and negative, good to get some outside perspectives.
Just to clarify on a couple of things:

• yes we are in a fairly new relationship but are confident that it is right for both of us. I guess no one knows what the future will bring, I didn't foresee things not working out with my husband. Although we do still remain friendly.
• there is 100% trust between me and my partner.
• do appreciate our ages aren't ideal. In terms of energy, health and being able to look after a child we'd be fine, but will have more discussion re. if the child had SEN as that is a valid point.
• we have a very happy relationship and if we didn't end up having a child we'd still be happy together and with his current family.
• understand it might not be straightforward but we don't want to go down a medical assistance route, we would just stop contraception for an agreed length of time and see what happens.

Thanks everyone ☺️

I was 37 when I got with my new partner ( a few years down the line and he is now dh )
At 40 we decided not to have children due to our age but we did both have them from previous marriage .
As you say you are just about at the very limit of being able , but sadly my opinion is your partner is a little too old .
Would you consider fostering ? I know of an older couple who fostered and they went on to adopt one of the children (toddler ) in their care and they carried on fostering for many years after that .

The largest deciding factor in autism in children is autism in the parents, whether young autistic fathers have more autistic offspring than older autistic fathers has not been investigated or proven either way.

Honestly I wouldnt.

In part because of your history and his situation / family.

It sounds like you have all the ingredients for a nice life as it is

Id get some counselling to come to terms with your situation and work through it.

Go for it :)