I think I want another baby but obsess over pros and cons

[Paigeele]

I’m 29 my sons 5 now it took 2 years to conceive with him. I always said I only wanted one and I was done but when I think of me and my three sisters, they are my only friends the people I run to when I need somebody to talk to we’re all incredibly close and I can’t imagine how lonely life would be without them, there’s 3 year in between each of us which is why I feel like I’ve missed my opportunity for my son to have a close sibling. But also when thinking about another my strongest con if you would call it that is I can’t help but think what it something happens to the son I have now and I’m pregnant or have another child and I couldn’t go with him. Because I know I couldn’t survive the loss of a child and just go about life. Some people can and I just know I cannot, now touch wood the odds of this happening I know, he’ll hopefully outlive me and live a long and happy life but in my head this is the biggest con! I can’t get past it, I want another but I can’t get past this thought! I can ignore the other cons but this is the big one and I just can’t seem too.

This is quite a strange, anxiety-heavy fear/thought process. It's maybe worth talking to someone about it.

It's absolutely fine to stick with one of course, but it shouldn't be because of this intrusive thought/anxiety.

Do your sisters have children? Does your son have close cousins?

Have another. Once your children are adults 26 and 32 or whatever is a fine gap.

Do you have a partner? What is their opinion?

Have more kids. I wish I had.

Don’t have a child because of sibling relationships. With a 6-8 year gap, and no guarantee anyway, there’s no point.

And I agree with PP that you are catastrophising. It’s pure anxiety and nothing else. You need to seek help with this kind of thinking.

I won’t lie I thought I’d get a few messages telling me this was normal and most mums fear this before having a second also. My son has 2 older nieces, 3 aunties, a nan and my son’s dad is all close by, no other family members around. I want a second also for myself not just for my son but it’s just this heavy thought of what ifs. Partner would have another in a heart beat but then he wasn’t really around for the first he worked away and it was incredibly difficult on my own.

who do people seek help from with this kind of thinking? It’s not like ruling my life, it’s just making me question a second child.
I’m over protective that’s for sure and I do fear a lot but then my son also rides a small motorbike at 5 so I’m not overly overly protective I just over think situations and keep him safe I’d say. Overprotective In a sense that there’s no way he would ever get lost in a busy place (because I do not take my eyes off of him especially in busy places or outside of the house) or run into the road (because I make him hold my hand near a road still no circumstances) or fall into a pool un noticed (just wouldn’t happen on my watch)

That sounds like a normal level of protectiveness (although personally I wouldn’t have allowed a motorbike!), we all protect our kids on roads etc, it’s normal. Do you actually want another baby? That’s what matters here.

Mum to an only. I think its normal OP. If you haven't got an only then you can't relate.

Apart from those who have had twins in their first pregnancy, we’ve all been ‘parents of an only’ at some point.

Yeah its not the same though as stopping at 1 child though.

The thread is literally her debating whether or not she wants a second child though, and you think she should have another, not stop at 1…

Well, I wouldn't stick at one child because you're planning to die if anything happened to your child. If anything it's a positive that you'd have a reason to stick around.

I do sometimes think about what ifs. For me that was a reason to have more children. If something happened to my child I didn't want to be childless, on top of grieving my child, and if I had two, I didn't want the surviving one to end up alone. So I had three...

(and obviously I know it's not foolproof, I could lose all three, I could lose two, I could lose none. But I can't manage any more than three so that's it.)

See no, I couldn’t imagine anything worse than having to be brave for a second if something happened to the first I’d be a miserable parent and I don’t think I’d be good to be around in that situation that’s what scares me! If I die then yes definitely nice for them to have eachother.
I do want another, I really do I’m just scared. I keep coming off of the pill and then getting cold feet going back on the pill and repeating.
it’s okay honest it’s only a small bike and he has all safety gear on and it’s on a like registered track with safety instructors there and what not. They only go maybe 5mph over little muddy speed bump obstacle tracks. (A long story we tried him with every club you can think of, boxing, gymnastics, football as he wasn’t socializing with any children at school so wanted him to socialize with other children with us present to see if this helped and so he had a hobby something he was good at and enjoyed but he hated everything except riding his pedal bike and then saw another child riding a electric off roader he said he wanted to try it so we bought one and now that’s his hobby and he loves it)

Yes I know. What's your point? How many kids do you have?

As a mum to an only I can relate to OP of wanting another but just pondering. Do you have an only?

Your heart is telling you you want another. Have another. 5 years is not too big of a gap, me and my brother have an 5 year gap and we are closer than ever.

About the anxiety - speak to someone about that. There are many counsellors that do therapy online now. It may be expensive but it may only take a couple of sessions for you.

think about how much you love your son; and then think about how if you had another you’d love them just as much. Yes it would be hard if this very rare situation happened, but there’s no way you’d want to leave your second child. There is a strength that comes out of being a mother that you never knew you had. You probably didn’t know it before your first, and so you don’t know it before your second too.

worrying about losing your child is relatively normal though. And yes it’s not bad enough that it’s affecting your daily life but it’s obviously bad enough that it’s affecting your life decisions. I personally have OCD so I know how minor things like that can get bigger and rule my life.

focus less on what could go wrong. Focus on what you are giving your son and yourself - a new family member to love and cherish.

My husband is almost 6 years older than his brother and they are best friends and have a much closer relationship than the non existent sibling relationship I have with my twin! So I really wouldn't pay attention to those that say you can't have a sibling relationship due to an age gap.

On the other hand just because you are close with your sisters, it does not mean that your child will have those relationships with their siblings. There's many pros to having and being an only child and sadly many of the "lonely only" stereotypes seem to exist. Children with siblings can be lonely too and many people like myself have much closer relationships to friends than siblings.

I was like you though and in the end I went to counselling to help me with my thought process in helping to decide whether I wanted a second and to ensure that any decision was made out of a place of want and not fear and anxiety. In the end I did go for a 2nd (3 year age gap) but there's really no right or wrong decision.