How to cope when TTC is impacting your relationship

[EmberR]

Husband and I have been trying for 8-9 months and nothing (we are older so understand the statistics). Coming to the point of having to call it quits - or throw everything at it. But he said he doesn’t want to try IVF or in future wouldn’t consider adoption or fostering.

It is causing real heartache. I don’t want this to break us. Any advice please

That's so tough.

I'd try to understand why the other options are hard nos for him, when he's happy TTC. If he wants children, why is he limiting the options, especially if you're both older. Is it possible he doesn't really want them? Because if he does, I don't understand the refusal for IVF.

He said he’s worried as he doesn’t want twins/triplets. But also I think he hoped it would be a lovely natural experience. I just keep reminding him it doesn’t work like that always and it’s the outcome that matters right? We are stuck going in circles

Been there.

1. twins/triplets aren’t THAT common in IVF and they won’t want you to have a multiple pregnancy as it increases risk to you, so they’ll try to mitigate

2. I was like your DH about “the beauty of natural conception”. Look, it’s not like a Petri dish is that much less clinical than peeing on ovulation sticks and yelling when he gets home “my egg is here! Quick! We need to shag before you take your shoes off”

The rules around ivf have changed over the years and it is much more likely you would only be allowed to implant a single embryo. You also always get to make the choice to implant a single embryo which is encouraged for maternal safety anyway. So that isn’t a valid reason to avoid ivf.

I think there are a few steps before full blown egg retrieval IVF. Other things that can be tried such as insemination etc.

Have you been for any testing yet? Have you contacted your GP to let them know you’re not falling pregnant? If you’re over 35 sooner is better than later. I’m 40 and have had one chemical so far. If we don’t succeed in the next few tries, or have another miscarriage, I’ll be contacting my doctor.

Good luck to you both.

Thanks all really appreciate the advice. I will have to bring up the discussion on tests and plans now as the fingers crossed let’s hope and see hasn’t worked. I am 42 now and it’s last chance saloon

The approach to multiples had changed a lot already when I did IVF 8 years ago. Perhaps there’s a clinic open day you could visit?
You could try home insemination to separate the relationship from the conception.

I am upset he doesn’t think anything he does impacts fertility. He is drinking (not excessive but more than he should), still having hot baths. Everything I ask nicely for him to think about he ignores

Are you sure he wants children?

He says he does. But his actions just feel so selfish

8-9 months is very early to call it quits OP. Really early. It definitely may still happen naturally for you.

Ahh okay I see you’re 42 so time is more pressing. What a shame he won’t consider practical options.

Do you use ovulation tests? The smiley face ones? Highly recommend these and don’t go mad - just have sex on the a couple of days when you hit the peak.

Does he take vitamins? Vitafem or similar for you and a good men’s reproductive vitamin for him.

These are my two main recommendations and everything else isn’t going to make a difference, imo. Also, get yourself tested - lots of things that aren’t IVF that might help you. It might be that aspirin could help - it did help me but do your research and have a think.

I had three rounds of IVF, three miscarriages and spent 5 years ttc. I conceived my DD naturally at the point I was about to quit during a period when I’d thought fuck it and ditched the clean eating and was drinking loads socially.

Good luck. Ttc is so tough ❤️