Should I give up

[Stillawake2023]

I am 43 and have two children already aged just 3 and 5. I really don’t feel like I’m done. We have been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years now with varying degrees of commitment month on month but always covering ovulation. My periods are very regular and I have an ovulation peak every month. I saw a gynaecologist the other week for a well woman check and she basically laughed at me and said even if I did get pregnant there is a 50% chance I would miscarry.
I really feel that our family isn’t yet complete. I can’t explain the feeling. We have two beautiful amazing children but this thought is just living in my head. Should I just accept it isn’t going to happen now and try to come to terms with it. Or should I keep the faith a little longer?

I’d accept and move on and enjoy what you have. Your children will grow up fast and you don’t want to look back and realise you spent it panting for a third

Honestly, I would quit while you are ahead. She is correct in that over 40 you have essentially a 1 in 2 chance of miscarriage, but the other thing to consider is that at your age the chances of your child having health complications/disabilities are higher- research the stats on that yourself. You roll the dice with every pregnancy, a perfect healthy baby is never a guarantee, but at your age the dice is skewed further one way. How would life look if you got your third child and they had severe additional needs? Is that a risk worth taking in your 40’s with a young family already?

Not to mention the risks to your health of a pregnancy as you get older, I’d be more focused on being a present & good parent to my existing children.

I'm only 36 and in principle would love a third but know that at my age it carries a higher risk of genetic mutations and additional needs, and if a third had any issues we wouldn't have the capacity to make sure everyone's emotional needs were met. Someone also said to me, what would a third add that you don't have already? My kids are my world, they won't be alone when I die, a third would be a potentially selfish choice just for me (partner keen but on the fence as knackered).

I would personally stop now for all the reasons listed.
I would also add that I think it is natural to never feel quite ‘done’.
I have three teenagers and am past the age of being able to have kids, but still find myself looking at babies and toddlers and thinking wistfully of ‘maybe one more’ which is just utter nonsense.
Make peace with being done and enjoy the ones you have.

I think this is a good point and worth taking seriously. A cousin of mine had a baby in her mid thirties followed by a miscarriage when her first was about three. She spent the next 12yrs having miscarriage after miscarriage (eight in total) as well as fertility treatment. It just about ruined her marriage (they later split) and when she finally accepted number two wasn’t going to happen for them her eldest was nearly 16 and about to go to college. She had wasted her daughter’s whole childhood on chasing and longing for a baby when she had a child growing up and whose childhood she wasn’t really experiencing or appreciating.

She now fosters and in her mid 50s is hoping to adopt her current foster daughter as a single parent, but all in all in all it’s been a bit of a mess. I feel very sorry for her daughter, her now ex husband and for her, it’s all been a bit of a waste of time that can’t be gotten back. So think very carefully, especially as you already have two so aren’t even in the predicament of worrying about an only child.

Good luck whatever you decide.

@Stillawake2023 follow the over 40 and trying group, I am not quite there yet but it’s called TWW at 40 yrs old

Just wanted to offer some solidarity OP. I feel like I'm in a similar place in terms of something internal and visceral in me that's calling out for a third. I'm 41 in a few days and have 2 DCs aged 3.5 and 8 months. I never expected to feel like this, I've had a few miscarriages in between conceiving my boys and vowed DS2 pregnancy would be my last but there is a definite pull for another one. So I'm trying to ride the wave of the feelings and see what happens.

There's nothing to stop you trying for a third, no one can know what the outcome will be. I totally get PPs suggesting accepting your lot and moving on, but as long as there are still periods and positive ovulation tests each month there's a part of the brain that naturally thinks "just one more time". There will always be success stories of women of a similar age successfully having babies, but there'll also be many that won't. I have a couple of friends of nearly 45 and 44 who haven't been able to conceive successfully and it's been heartbreaking. So no particular advice, just a hand hold to say I can relate to how you feel and I'm sure there are many other women in a similar position to us. Wish you all the best with your journey OP whatever happens next 🙏

I would continue to try, a lot of woman that are over 40 are way healthier than younger women nowadays. If it happens it happens, but nobody should be telling you no.