IVF Failure - not meant to be?

[Iggilypiggily]

Hi everyone,

Just wanting to discuss this as a topic I think people might disagree with. I have never particularly felt maternal or longed for children. We did some testing a few years ago (really to help us decide whether to buy a house in the suburbs or a flat in town) and found out I had low AMH. We continued to not want kids and didn’t do IVF which was recommended to us to even freeze eggs at the time because we genuinely didn’t want it.

A few years have passed and we revisited it. We decided we would do a run of IVF because we are getting older and our time is running out as we approach forty. We remain on the fence, not feeling a particular desire either way, and decided to do IVF one because we could through my husbands work (They fund two cycles, which I appreciate we are really fortunate to have) and two because we thought we might regret not trying if we change our minds in future once it is too late. It isn’t something we would have done if we were funding it ourselves if I am totally honest.

The run was fine in that I felt great throughout, had no real side effects or issues. But we only got 5 eggs which was a bit less than expected and then we only got 2 fertilised normally from that batch and none made it to blastocyst. Two nearly did but were a bit behind at day 5. I should mention I also have thin uterine lining and previous cervical surgery which places me at high risk of miscarriage.

I can’t help but feel that if I was supposed to have kids I would a) feel a strong desire to do so, b) would not have so many physical barriers to it and c) would have had success in some form.

does anyone else on the infertility journey feel that way? I heard someone say that after 6 failed rounds and a lot of struggles a psychic or medium told her she had a lot of maternal pressure in her previous life and this life was to give her a break. I don’t know that I believe that but she said it gave her peace.

Anyone else in the it’s not meant to be and if it would be it would have happened camp?

There is no great cosmic plan. By your logic, anyone needing IVF wasn’t really ‘meant’ to be a parent.

But you don’t really sound like you want kids, so don’t have them! I do have kids and they’re amazing, but they’ve also turned my life upside down. That would be awful of you weren’t really on board for it

Very fair! I am a everything happens for a reason kind of person and genuinely every thing I look back on I can see has happened for a reason or has worked out in a way that I’m glad it has worked out that way. I guess that’s why I’m of that opinion that it’s not meant to be. I think for those who go through 6 rounds of IVF are people who really, really desire to parent. You need to have a lot of strength and hope to endure that. And obviously I would love any kid that I did have and would do the best job I possibly could with raising them. And there is a part of me that would like it, it just more I don’t have such a strong desire that I would put up with that many rounds if you get me. Or go bankrupt or have financial worries as a result of it.

Its such a strange thing to feel like the choice is removed from you when it isn’t something you were desperate for, so I guess I am just trying to make sense out of it or make it something that was worthwhile instead of a waste of time.

I completely agree with Lovenpic. Most people who undergo IVF are facing medical challenges — not a lack of desire to have children. Infertility is a health issue like any other, and it’s wonderful that more people now have access to treatment and the chance to become parents.
That said, not everyone has to want children, and that’s absolutely okay. I know several families who openly say they simply don’t want kids — no deep reason, just a personal choice.

Facing struggles doesn't meant you aren't meant to be a parent and saying so is probably a bit offensive to those of us who faced some struggle one way or another.

It seems to me that you don't want to be a parent but are looking for reasons to justify it. It's okay to not have kids if you don't want to.
I hope you'll find peace in whatever you decide 💕

Ivf is hard. It rarely ever works the first time for even the easiest of fertility treatments of people with less complex fertility issues. In my opinion, you do ivf and endure the roller-coaster of emotions, pain, heart ache and everything that comes with the process even the losses because you really want to have a child. Ivf is a hard way to have a baby and its not done lightly for most people. To me , it sounds like you dont want children and thats ok but for someone like you who isn't willing to put in the hard yards that come with ivf then it would be a complete waste of time and resources. You need to be 100% all in and ride the waves. You gotta crash and burn and be strong enough to pick yourself back up again and start over. Its perfectly ok not to want children and make that decision final and dont let anyone tell you different.