How to answer THE question at events?

[Mae2B]

I've been trying to concieve and I'm generally really anxious and tearful about it all, I've had an early loss in Feb and I know I don't have much time left due to low AMH which adds a lot of pressure.

So my brother is throwing a birthday party in a few weeks and I'll see some extended family and loads of his school friends that I haven't seen in many years.
And although I'm excited for him and for the opportunity to see people I never get to see, I'm actually starting to worry about the dreaded conversation: "so what about you, when are you having kids?" Or similar versions....

If this was asked a while ago I wouldn't be triggered by it, but now just the thought of it makes me want to cry! I can't cope with it, I've even avoided a gathering around Xmas due to fear this was being asked.

Please please please I need ideas of how to answer these sort of questions without sounding defensive or giving it away that it bothered me. It's a party so I also don't want to make others feel uncomfortable despite their potential insensitivity by bringing this up.
I also don't want to say that I'm trying because I feel really vulnerable disclosing that.

Any similar experiences?

'Oh I didn't realise we were talking about sex lives...you go first' usually shuts them up pretty quickly

Jesus, honestly: who is so crass as to ask these questions?

I’d probably just go with “well, if it happens, it happens!”

I’ve tried all sorts in the past. Shrugging it off, being honest, making a joke. No one ever takes the bloody hint 😂

In your case you don’t even want to start talking about it at all. So just change the subject very obviously: ‘so what about you?’ ‘Read any good books lately’ etc etc

if persistent: ‘it’s none of your business babe’ ‘you tell me all about your sex life first’

or shrug and say ‘que sera sera’ and change the subject/ask a question.

And although I'm excited for him and for the opportunity to see people I never get to see, I'm actually starting to worry about the dreaded conversation: "so what about you, when are you having kids?" Or similar versions....

I think you're catastrophising over something with an infinitesimally small chance of happening. You've said yourself these are people you never get to see. They just won't ask an almost complete stranger when you're trying for a baby, it just won't happen.

Just say who knows, we're just enjoying life as it is for now. Then change the subject. Although I do like @oustedbymymateresponse 😂

I'd say, 'that's pretty intrusive,' in a very calm voice and then change the subject to something neutral.

It is intrusive. And they deserve to have it pointed out to them.

I’ve found myself just telling the truth. My line is usually, we’re trying, but it’s taking longer than we’d hoped. (In truth it’s been multiple ivf rounds a miscarriage and years of trying, but I withhold all that!). I actually had to use the line at a party last night, and the guy just said, oh, good luck then. Which left me feeling a bit nicer.

That’s completely on you and how much you want to share. You can let it out and tell them you’re in the process of getting there or simply just say when the time is right

Thanks for your replies, great ones! I'll probably rehearse them all, so I'm ready depending on how the question is asked.

But just to say people do still ask this. I thought it would be mainly the older generation that has not caught up with the times, but actually over the past year or 2 it has only been people around my age, mostly men with kids and their family complete. And one that was really insistent on this last year will be there, so I wouldn't be surprised if he asked again.

I just don't want to become tearful when this is asked so I need to prepare for all scenarios.

In 2 weeks I shall feed back if it happened or not 😁

Só I've had the party yesterday and the question was in fact asked more than onc noe as expected.
My dad's uncle asked and I said a kid is quite limiting and we're having a good life, and he totally agreed and I changed the subject.
At the end my brother's friend also asked me very bluntly, I wasn't expecting that from him, I said the same and he even asked my age and when I said 36 he decided to do the maths for me and said I had 4 years 🤣🤣 actually for most people would be more than that and for me is way less than that. But I didn't want to go there, so just changed the subject and asked about himself.
Then a cousin that's my age announced she is pregnant, but it wasn't triggering for me, I am happy for her.

So just wanted to close the loop on this. I re-read all your replies to prepare myself, and I think it helped not to feel so triggered so thanks ☺️