AIBU to still go ahead with wanting another baby when I don't think I'll be supported?

[LolaBolaBoo]

I've reached a real crisis point - I'm nearly 43 years old and need to decide to try for another one now, or not at all. I've researched every possible angle of this - the impact on my career, my finances, the support I'll have, on my daughter, on my mental health (had PND badly last time) and I'm satisfied with all the answers - I know what to expect, I know how to mitigate any potential issues, and I have a good idea of how to handle it all. There is one thing that stops me - my husband.

He would LOVE another child, but he will (I strongly suspect) be unable to support me emotionally or practically. When I had DD, it was covid and my PND was so bad, I had to move in with my parents, so he never witnessed any of that newborn stuff (I was away for 4 months) - it still irritates me no end that he seems to think that was a wonderful time for him, living in my house with no worries at all and going to the pub most evenings with his friends whilst I was trying not to kill myself... Anyway, I digress. He has a pretty cushty life with us really; I don't think he's ever had to do anything in the house, never had to get up with DD, never had to clean, cook, feed the animals, empty the dishwasher - nothing. He doesn't even have to worry about paying bills because I do all of that (I also have a full time job). He works for himself too, so he has the flexibility of being able to stay at home and leave when he wants, so he doesn't even do the pick up and drop offs because 'her school is near your work so makes sense for you to do them and I'm investing in the business for us' (also annoys me).

Anyway, long story short - I manage all this and I manage it well. I manage to keep on top of all our finances, run the house, do all the childcare, pets, cleaning, meals etc. and hold down a full time job. But I really would like another child and this has been something I've agonised over for years.

I'm now 43 and it is basically, now or never to try; and I realise my chances are incredibly slim, but I keep coming back to WHAT AM I DOING?! He won't help me! He won't be able to look after DD; or the animals, or the house, or anything. AM I MAD?! Things are good now, so why mess with that when I know he will be incapable of supporting me. Worth adding that I know I will have another C-section so there's that too...

And then I go the other way - WHY should I let his shitness affect my choice? I get positively angry about it; why should I allow his crap inability to do stuff, stop me from being happy if this is what I want??

And the cycle goes on and on and on and on.... Please can someone reassure me that it is possible for me to do this all without him? I feel a sadness in me which I can't shake and whilst everything is OK at the moment, I worry trying to rectify that sadness will essentially drop a grenade onto my life.

Any and all wisdom gratefully received 🙏

Is the sadness cause by wanting another child, or by being in an unfulfilling relationship with someone who makes no effort?

As a new baby won’t fix the latter.

Well, you know how your husband is and will be, so at least there won’t be any negative surprises. I have one baby with a useless husband and that’s more than enough for me, but you know what you’re capable of and if you decide that you want it and can do it, then go for it. I just wouldn’t be under any illusion that he changes or steps up because they rarely do.

I am really sorry op but you need to consider that regardless of if you have another child, this relationship is probably doomed. It sounds like you are doing everything anyway, but can you do it all without a second adult/wage in the household and with a second child? I would say don't do it, and I don't say that lightly.

I think divorcing would bring you more joy than a new baby

So 'AIBU to have another child with a lazy, selfish man, in an obviously unhappy relationship, when I know he will be completely unable to support me through crippling PND that caused me to be suicidal last time, or to look after our existing child/house/animals?'

You'd be completely mad, OP, and deeply irresponsible. Your responsibility is to your existing child. Knowingly putting yourself in a position where suicidal ideation is a likely outcome, or where you need to leave home and move in with your parents to prevent yourself from suicide (where is your daughter in this scenario?) would be an act of self-harm, and a horrible thing to inflict on your child.

I think having another baby will be very hard especially if post-partum you go through the same struggles, also i honestly dont think your marriage will survive another child if your husband is as useless as you make out, you will veey much start to despise him for being so useless and unhelpful. But I just want to say that I was a single mum for many years, I never lived with my useless ex's and eventually left them because they were no good and I also suffered with PND and I still managed a newborn with very young kids on my own without male support, I was a single mum to 6 children and did it all on my own, at one stage i had a newborn, 1yr old, 2yr old, 3yr old, 6 and 7yr old so it can be done without having a partners support. I made sure I had great therapy and saw a psychiatrist regularly especially in the first few months of bringing home a newborn and support from my gp was a must and I had a couple of good friends if I needed any back up who would come and do my washing or clean my home after I brought home a newborn if i had too many long and hard nights. It's a big decision to bring another child into the world so I suggest before trying to do so find your back up and some people to help support you. It sounds like though you need a new partner.

Do you actually want to be in a relationship with him or are you just putting up with him so you can use him for his sperm?

Have you considered the risks to your physical health and the baby’s given your age?

I think you’d be mad to do it.

You have another child - him. Why are you facilitating this?

and the risks to you which mean that he may have to step up and parent are too much

I think you're wrongly focusing on another baby todistract you from what you know you need to do, end your marriage.

This

This!

There's no point being martyred and doing everything for him. You either lay down the rules where he pulls his weight or gets a divorce. That is a separate conversation to having a child. Whatever happens you'll be unsupported - I guess it's whether you feel you can do justice to being a mum of 2 by managing just fine OR it will be too much and you'll be miserable as will the DC. Only do it if you're pouring from a full cup as the primal urge and ability to have a child should always be tempered by capacity.

Should you saddle another child with a selfish useless father? No. It’s not just about you.

I think it would be a deeply selfish thing to do - both for the baby and for your daughter.

Given the copious number of threads at the moment berating men for not stepping up, and then getting shifty with someone who dares to suggest that women need to do better too….
You would be making a bad decision to go ahead with a pregnancy, baby, possibly PND, that you know your partner wouldn’t be able to support you with, (despite him wanting another child). I don’t see how you would have any moral recourse to moan in the future about lack of support if you did go ahead and have another one, given you were aware of the possibilities beforehand.
You have the chance to do better, and that means dont get pregnant again.

Divorce and have a baby, I think.

If you really want another kid and to recover from a caesarian alone while lone parenting a newborn and your other child and all that comes after, just use an actual sperm donor from a clinic.
The man is an absolute disgrace and should be divorced.