To start trying for a second child??

[LolaBolaBoo]

I keep going back and forth about having a second child; but I know my time is running out and I need to make up my mind now.

I’m 42 (43 this summer), and have a soon to be 5 year old daughter. My husband desperately wants another child, and clearly if we are going to try, it would be now. But I’m so worried about it all.

I would also like another child, but I am more cautious. I had terrible (really terrible) postnatal depression with the first which landed me under the care of a perinatal mental health service complete with at home visits from nurses, a psychiatrist and nursery nurses. I was a mess; but it was also the pandemic and that had a lot to answer for. I recovered quickly; but I’m terrified it will
happen again and I was so very unwell - this possibility truly scares me. Another consideration is cost: I work full time and it has been incredibly expensive to put DC through full time nursery. My husband didn’t contribute directly to these costs because he has been self employed and building a business (though tells me to trust him and that he will pay when the time comes… he also tells me to trust him that he’ll be a multimillionaire this time next year every year…) Paying for nursery wiped out half my salary and I’m very concerned about not being able to afford it again (and there’s no way I could go part time as that’s not an option in my line of work where redundancies are currently very high across the UK and the sector). Speaking of which, I am also worried about going on maternity leave when so many colleagues are being made redundant and when I have multiple projects under contract with various firms and with money attached - though I would hope legally, this part is moveable feast. Another worry - the sheer magnitude of having another child in a small 2 bedroom cottage with 4 cats and a dog, a 5 year old me and my husband and husband away a lot so this feels like it’s ALL on my shoulders. I’ve honestly only just got to the point of feeling like I’m managing it all again after DC, so it feels like madness to think about deliberately throwing in a spanner with another baby. My DC also wasn’t very keen to add to our family though that seems to have changed - still, I worry it would potentially affect her negatively as she’s very close to me and has difficulty connecting with her dad.

These are all my reasons to be worried and unsure but I keep coming back to a sense of regret if I don’t have another or at least, try.

I suppose I’m looking for reassurance? Or maybe someone who has been in a similar position and it all turned out fine? Or maybe someone to tell me the opposite?

Any thoughts very much welcomed - I just feel so conflicted.

Have you talked to your husband about your fears? If he doesn't acknowledge and isn't committed to making the situation different this time round then I'd wonder if your relationship would survive it tbh.

I'm 43 and would love another but it would stretch us financially and my OH is currently having treatment for a serious illness so much of the pressure falls on me - financially, physically, emotionally, practically. I feel very sad about not having another but I think i fear the resentment and guilt of regretting another child more than any other emotion right now. But I feel a pang any time I hear of other mums having another.

It sounds like you are happy being one and done. You have listed a lot of very good reasons why - from the PND to not actually having the space, worries about money and the fact your husband works away a lot. I’d stick to one child if I was you.

You’ve explained very clearly why it’s not a good idea. I’m not sure why he’s saying he wants a second child when he hasn’t got much bond with the first, isn’t stepping up financially and works away with delusions of becoming a millionaire.

You’ve done well to recover from what must have been a terrifying experience and it doesn’t sound like he did much to help. I really wouldn’t rock the boat. You’d be doing it alone and risking the equilibrium you’ve got at the moment.

Being 43 yo how high is the chance?
I would settle with one.

In all honesty OP, I think your caution is valid and it doesn't sound like your DH would bear the weight of the decision in the way that you would. Only you can really know how much you personally would regret not trying, and perhaps that is enough to go for it, but on paper, I would say it's a high risk situation for you and that is why you are worried. I would say getting to the point where you are managing is amazing and you should capitalise on it and enjoy your life and your DD.

Can you make your life easier e.g. re-home some pets or look for a bigger property? Then just see whether pregnancy happens and put health plans in place if it does.

From what you’ve said, it just doesn’t sound like a good idea. Plus, it’s not that likely you’d be able to anyway, without expensive medical intervention, at nearly 43.

Your husband sounds like something of a dreamer but the hard day to day reality would fall on you so you have the bigger vote there.

I would really try to assist w him having a better connection with your daughter, though, if possible. Perhaps that would make him feel better.

I’d ask him to get a part time job alongside his business and if he’s not willing to do that then it’s simply not affordable. You shouldn’t have the entire burden on you when you are not even the one desperate for a second. Sounds like he needs a reality check!

It's ultimately down to what you want as you are going to bear the physical, emotional and finance burden of another child. It doesn't really sound like you really do and at 42 it might not happen anyway. If you were feeling desperately broody I'd say give it a go, you never know everyone's fertility is different and plenty of women have babies in their 40s etc. As it is I think your age is a pretty valid reason for not ttc on top of all the practical considerations.