Ectopic pregnancy Feel like No-one Cares

[Yogabearr]

Nearly 3 months after my ectopic and its only just resolving. From the finding out I'm pregnant to the finding out I won't be much longer, the pain of knowing it's life threatening, the up and down hormones and all the interventions like weekly blood tests... I'm sat with it all hitting me like a brick. I've had to be strong but I feel like everyone around me acts like it's over and not a big deal. It's not close to over for me. I'm starting to resent my partner and close friend for not listening or understanding. I'm sat alone crying. Maybe it's just the validation that this was traumatic I needed.

Hugs. I had an ectopic and they really are awful to deal with.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, and that you aren't getting good support. Is there anyone else you can talk to

Can you see your GP and get some counselling? You’ve had a really big shock and loss - you can feel better. Your loved ones will want you to feel better but they’re not counsellors and maybe don’t want to see you so upset so avoid talking about it.
I had an ectopic pregnancy and was told to wait 3 months before trying again - it wasn’t until I was pregnant again that I began to get over my distress.

Im so sorry for your loss. I had an ectopic last year and it is a huge trauma to not only your body but mentally too. I had surgery for mine but the scans and bloods are exhausting and take such a toll. It's a rough time. I think people struggle with knowing what to say which makes us feel worse!

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust are great and offer a lot of support and information. They hold zoom calls where you can speak with other women who have gone through the same. It won't feel like it now but I promise better days are ahead x

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I really do think others just don't get it. You are the woman who's personally experiencing it and while they might try to sympathise, they really won't understand. Pregnancy loss in general I've found people seem to gloss over and I think that's out of their own awkwardness by not knowing how to broach the subject. I didn't have an ectopic but I did have a molar and management sounds similar, months to rectify and weekly bloods, potential of it turning into cancer and chemo. People actually said to me 'at least now you know it wasn't a normal baby so the miscarriage is easier to get over' like what no?? It's not. The only way I got the validation you mention is through counselling. The people you think are the best support in life I found fairly useless in this scenario I'm sorry to say.

What a heartless comment when you're already going through an awful time. Someone said to me with my ectopic "next time when it's a proper pregnancy" wtf!?🥴

The very sad reality is that it isn’t a big deal to anyone other than you.

Seek professional support.

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry. People really do live in their own bubbles🤦🏼‍♀️

I had four ectopic pregnancies over 12 years. By the end if it, and when I’d had the fourth, it seemed that nobody really understood the hell id gone through for over a decade. It was more of a “oh dear, you’ve had another one? What a shame.” Even my lovely husband didn’t seem to realise just how traumatic each cycle of becoming pregnant, the tests, the realisation and then the surgery and weeks off work did to my mental well-being.

Suffering an ectopic can be a very cold and lonely place emotionally - you’re not outwardly ill and people expect that after a few days you should just pull on your big girl pants and get on with life. If only it were that easy.

Even after all these years now I still grieve for those four babies I never had. Not all the time, obviously, but each one left their mark.

Be kind to yourself. It will get better, eventually.

I'm sending hugs for you too Op.
My was a ruptured one ( but I didn't know I was pregnant ) so I got lots of sympathy as it very nearly killed me.

However no one mentioned that was potentially my baby I lost. I do think people just think " it happens for a reason" rather than considering how you felt about the pregnancy. I did get pregnant afterwards but miscarried. And weirdly people talked about that baby.

We care! I’ve not had an ectopic pregnancy but I had a miscarriage and that was bad enough. I can’t imagine adding extreme pain and surgery into the equation. Plus yes, they need to heavily monitor you afterwards and I suppose this prolongs things and makes it hard to move on. Not that you need to rush to move on but I mean you can’t even begin the process!

With kindness, I wonder if maybe your partner and your best friend feel out of their depth and really don’t understand. So they aren’t capable of talking extensively about it as it overwhelms them. They’re not wrong for feeling this way (even though you’ve done nothing wrong by talking to them, they’ve just reached their limit). I do think professional help from a counsellor who specialises in reproductive issues will be the only way you can hash things out in the way you need to.

I’m so sorry you’re facing such hell. Do you think the monitoring will end soon?

https://resources.soundstrue.com/podcast/eileen-santos-rosete-tending-to-womb-loss/

I'm so sorry. It's an incredibly traumatic thing to go through and you're not alone in feeling like this. I had one a couple of years ago and it completely broke me. It was a much wanted IVF baby and still had a heartbeat when we found out it was ectopic which I found so hard to deal with. I remember feeling like you describe a few months afterwards when everyone seemed to have forgotten and thought I was fine when I was still really struggling with losing my baby, and thinking how far along I'd be by then. I got in touch with the ectopic pregnancy trust and had a call with them, I also had some counselling with a bereavement midwife at my hospital which was very helpful in acknowledging and processing the grief. After a couple more failed rounds of IVF I did manage to get pregnant again just before the due date came around and that helped me to heal, although I still feel sad about it and think what could have been. Big hugs, it's such a hard thing to go through x

So sorry OP. In my area, you can ask your midwife/GP to refer you to the maternal mental health service for traumatic pregnancy loss support. I hope you find some peace in time OP.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I haven't had an ectopic but I can relate to loss, trauma and feeling alone

I had a loss at almost 20 weeks in very traumatic circumstances and I felt that after a few weeks no-one really realised the depth of my feelings. (Apart from my partner, everyone else knows a simplified, less traumatic version of what actually happened). In the early weeks my brain switched between 'loss mode' where I was crying, beyond devastated, truly heartbroken, and 'trauma mode' which was much more complicated - lots of flashbacks, panic, ruminating on decisions taken etc. I'm a few months on now and my thoughts have settled somewhat. But I've realised that the trauma for me is a separate issue to the loss - I think even if my baby had survived, I'd have still had a lot of trauma from everything we'd had to go through. Only one person - a friend of a friend - that I've spoken to has made me feel completely understood. Ironically she has never lost a child. But she did have similar experiences to me during pregnancy and is still having therapy several years after the birth of her healthy child. She gets that I am just taking my very first steps on the long, long road of complex grief. I think most other people think a few months have passed and I'm over it. You're not alone OP, and I do care about your baby and all the lost babies.

So sorry for anyone that's been through an ectopic pregnancy. I considered myself pretty clued up on health until I had one and realised how little information and support them was out there.

Easy to say but try to look after yourself, grieve however you need to and contact that EPT for support - I found them to be brilliant.

And whilst it may not feel like it just now there are lots of women that go on to have healthy babies following an ectopic.

Unfortunately unless a person has experienced a baby loss, they will never understand and can't support you as they don't know how to. Connect with someone who's been through it so they can relate to you and support you. Also men are useless with emotional support as they can get over it quickly and move on .. women go through so much physically and mentally. You're grieving, it will hurt, but I promise it will get better than this....give it some time. Sending you a virtual hug and prayers 🙏🏻