TTC/going crazy/overthinking trust issues

[Nutcracker21]

TTC for 1 year now (stopped mini pill 12m ago). Took a while for periods to regulate.
Went for bloods, scan etc. Docs think I have Pcos.

Every cycle is journey. Serial POAS - testing everything. Currently going crazy in the tww - period due in 5 days..
Did urine Pdg test (wonflo amazon) can't even tell if positive or negative to confirm ovulation. No pink but there was the odd shadow. So now in the limbo stage waiting for AF.

So today my OH had to submit a S'men sample. Docs said we'd need to get that checked too. So he wanted to do it himself. Obviously that means watching certain things... To be able to get himself to fill the cup unaided.

Backstory - he had previous corn addiction. I called it out already. Last summer had a serious fall out and was ready to leave but decided on one last chance. I know some people will say that was foolish.

But fast forward to now. And here I am overthinking and feeling sick at the thought of it. Knowing this will just bring it all back up and he won't be able to help himself.
There's no guarantee he actually stopped and maybe just got better at hiding it. But now I'm just going crazy and I don't know what to do.

I can't even imagine IVF process of him being couped in a room with his phone to produce a sample. And the thought of that to haunt me forever. Like that's how we got pregnant, him fantasising over those vids....
Let alone an actual pregnancy journey, where we will have no actual action so more excuses for bad habits to creep in.

Just going insane. I can't even have a proper conversation cuz I get too emotional about it.
I get the grovelling and the promises. But I can never fully move past it.
They say once trust is broken it can't be fixed and I believe that.

I guess I'm just here to rant a little but any advice would be appreciated x

TTC is naturally anxiety provoking. When we was, we made naughty videos together so he would ‘fill the cup’ over those, might be an idea. You can also sext and video call while he’s in the room. There’s lots of ways to involve you in the process.

My best advice; speak to him, voice your concerns, if he’s dismissive then have a long hard think about who you’re trying to have a baby with.

I hope things work out for you and you get some clarity.

Thank you, really appreciate your advice.

That's actually a good shout about the sexting etc.

I know the best way forward is to voice the concerns and we did thrash it out last summer. But I guess my issue is the fact I can't ever really move past it myself. It just eats me alive.
I don't think there is anything he can actually say that will change that.

I did say in anger last year maybe the reason haven't fallen pregnant is actually a blessing in disguise cuz can't be with someone who would be so disrespectful to me.

I guess it is my own issue.

I am a firm believer children are NOT the answer to fixing a relationship so I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world where things are not right.
Overall relationship is fine but this thing just keeps haunting me.

It’s not YOUR issue, it’s a couple issue, he’s done something that crossed your boundary and you voiced it, by voicing it again isn’t dragging it all back up, it’s still a theme you’re concerned about and he should be easing concern by reassuring and being transparent, but he can only so by you voicing the concern.

Also, there’s no shame in you still being uncomfortable with something he’s made you uncomfortable about, keep him in the loop and be direct, explain it’s bringing up old anxiety and you’d rather not enter into parenthood with this over you both so can you include me in this part rather than alienate me with the one thing that makes you feel anxious.

Youre going to be fine, I promise you. Be brave and don’t enter into this without him having your back.

Thank you so much for your support.

I sent a text to him earlier saying I understand if he needed a means to get the job done today but I don't want that to now bring back old habits. And I may be in my own head.

He replied: that's understandable

And literally that's it.

He's at work in the office. But usually can txt so work isn't an excuse for a limited reply.

I'll see it he approaches it tonight. But you're right. I need to be brave and face it either way.

Thank you again!

I know some people will disagree with me but it sounds like the issues he has around his addiction has brought a lot of stress upon you and that doesn't help at all with TTC.
Especially if any chance of needing IVF you're going to need your head, body, heart and relationship in a very strong place because IVF is draining in every way possible. Also a big relationship stressor.

Gently, would you consider couples counselling and maybe some one on one counselling also to try to work through these issues before moving any further with pregnancy planning? Sorry if that's overstepping but I do believe you need to be in such a strong place for considering IVF and then of course also for pregnancy.

Can you be involved in his sample collection if needed again in future? I can't imagine encouraging porn - even for this medical reason - will be good for him if he's been working to overcome the addiction. I know you can't use bodily fluids but is giving him a helping hand allowed?
I'm sorry you're going through all this and hope you get good support here.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it and not overstepping at all.

I totally understand the pressures IVF would bring and am very frightened of the thought. I know I will struggle with failure and it's inevitable usually takes a few goes before a successful one.

And 100% agree. Stress is not helping at all.

Was in a good place few months ago went on a nice holiday etc. Thing's felt good but this has just stirred it up again.

I am now kicking myself for not being upfront initially and saying I'm not comfortable with the solo effort for the sample collection. Especially given previous issues. I will try and raise things tonight.

Definitely agree - I need to be involved in any future attempts. To avoid all this overthinking.

Counselling - I wouldn't be against it personally. Just don't know how productive it will be. He doesn't like confrontation so he says so I imagine it will be him just agreeing to things or nodding along but do things really change?
Or is it the simple act of talking it out is a way to move past it.

Basically last time I said if it happens again I'm done. He said he will leave if it comes to that cuz it's fair and he acknowledged he disrespected me. So assured/promised it wouldn't happen.

I'll just have to face it head on

Thank you so much
Just feels good to talk about it and find some reassurance in others wise words