How to cope when someone close falls pregnant easily

[Firsttime2023]

Hey everyone,

I think I just want a bit of support from anyone who can sympathise. 😞
I've just found out some close friends have fallen pregnant with their second after only trying for 1 month. I've just completely broke down hearing this news. We've been actively ttc for over a year now and have never had a single BFP.
Obviously I am over the moon for them, they are a wonderful little family and totally deserve it, it just hurts so much that it isn't happening for us.
All tests have come back normal and I'm waiting to get a Hycosy done before we look at IVF.
It doesn't help my AF literally started yesterday, I'm emotional anyway and having the worst cramps with it!
I just feel like it's never going to happen for me. I'm 38 so worried I've left it too late.....

I honestly don't really have any advice but responding to reassure you that you're not alone in this feeling. I'm also just feeling to cramps rising for an inevitable AF show tomorrow and just found out a friend is pregnant after just on cycle. It's crap.

The only thing that helps slightly is knowing its ok to feel both happy for them and sad for myself. They aren't the same thing and the sad feeling doesn't take away from the happiness for them. I also often give myself a day to respond (if by message of course!) so I can process the feelings before saying congratulations. I don't think my congratulations would be given with the same love if I responded while feeling sad so giving even just 24 hours of space makes all the difference. Here with you in this feeling!

Hi OP

Sending hugs to you as I totally understand your situation. A friend I know also fell pregnant very quick with their 1st and their 2nd. Really pleased for them but gutted it isn’t me. We have been trying a while and now waiting for IVF.

Please be kind to yourself because you are doing everything you can. Make sure your look after your health and also do some nice things to look after yourself mentally too such as treating yourself to a massage or have that extra fancy hot chocolate from Costa with whipped cream and everything (basically just go all out, because you deserve it as this TTC journey can be hellish sometimes!).

I’ve started reading It Starts With an Egg and it gives advice on what you can do to get yourself healthy and ready for IVF.

For some of us it will just take a little longer for us to get our families but we will get there 💐💐💐

@AmberMaps @GardenBea thank you both, I'm still crying now reading your messages. I know in a day or two I will be feeling more positive again, this news just couldn't have come at a worse time of the month 😂 thank god I'm working from home today!

@AmberMaps that's a really good idea to not respond straight away. They know we are TTC so I imagine they must have been worried about telling us.

@GardenBea I have heard a lot about that book, I might give it a go thank you.

The best advice I can give is to try and distance your journey with anything happening with other people.
That's easier said than done, I know, and you're allowed time to have a cry or process it but whatever is going on with others is nothing to do with you, your life or what is mapped out for you. Look after yourself, treat yourself to something nice then refocus.

I've been on both sides of this. It took us 4 years to fall pregnant again with DD2 and there were many others getting pregnant and having babies in that time. When I finally did fall pregnant, a friend got pregnant too who had also had a tough time conceiving. We were a matter of weeks apart then she found out she'd had a MMC at her 12 week scan.

I found both sides really tough in different ways but the same as I couldn't expect my pregnant friends not to have babies and enjoy their pregnancies while I was TTC, I also couldn't consume myself with guilt about my own pregnancy and what happened with my friend.
We are all on our own separate journey and I'm sure your time will come.

FYI, it's not too late. I'm 30+4 now and 42 years old.

I think you've done the right thing posting on here as others will know just what you mean. I'd let the feelings out and also see in real life if there are friends or family who know the feelings to talk with.
It can really capture all your your thoughts and having someone else breeze through it can be so difficult to see.
Like a lot of people I can tell you things pass, but I won't as I remember the feelings and there's no off switch for them.

You're not alone and it's really normal to feel that way.

We were 7 months into ttc unsuccessfully when BIL and SIL announced their pregnancy to us by essentially saying "didn't expect this to happen immediately oops but here's our 12 week scan pic". It was like I'd been punched. I'd smiled and been happy for colleagues and friends who were pregnant but couldn't manage it with close family. I managed not to cry in front of them but they did notice my lack of reaction and got quite upset by it.

What helped was a heart to heart a few weeks later when the initial upset had faded a bit. SIL understood that I was happy for them, but gutted about my own inability to get pregnant so easily. They hadn't realised we'd been ttc for as long as we had. We also put a bit of a plan together for any comments we'd get from family (we're older than them so most would have expected us to get pregnant first) and they became big cheerleaders of ours through the next few months of ttc until we got pregnant.

This was a long way to say that talking things through is a big help. Your friend may appreciate you opening up to her. Good luck to you with your journey ✨️

Thank you for your kind words and huge congratulations to you ❤️

Thank you it really is such a help ❤️

I got pregnant with IVF / ICSI first time at 37. Fingers crossed.

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that feeling, but so happy you have had a happy ending.

I know my friend will be completely understanding of the situation. Her partner actually phoned my OH to tell him as they know we are TTC and wanted to break it to us first before we heard through anyone else. So I haven't actually spoken to her yet. I know it would have been with good intentions, and I respect her not putting me a position where I hear it face to face to be honest, as much like you I think i don't think I could have hidden it!

Im trying to tell myself that hopefully this means we can have babies similar age ❤️ that was another thing I was worried about as most of my friends have had babies already!

Thank you for sharing it really is reassuring ❤️

Honestly. Please try to be pleased for them we are all different. It takes some minutes , some years, some never at all but it's not their fault.

At least these days we can get help if we struggle. My mum's generation just had to cope with knowing they would never conceive

Your time will in all likelihood come I'm sorry you feel this way. It really is hard X

It took me 8 years to have ds1 and a lot of loss on the way. None of those other people's babies would have been mine. While it was hard, I never really felt jealousy of other people, just sadness for myself.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I never said I wasn't please for them. In fact I said I was really pleased for them. My question was how do you cope with the feelings you experience on hearing this news. The sadness I feel for myself and my own journey.

That exactly it. I don't feel jealousy or resentment. just sadness for myself ❤️

Hi, I could have written your post a few years ago. I remember friends taking us out for lunch to share their happy news ("we just can't believe it happened so quickly!") and just holding out til the meal finished and I could burst into tears in private.

I had my first at 40 via ISCI and the second in a complete fluke 3 years later. The upset all seems like ancient history now. Technology is so advanced, just keep going and following your doctor's advice, make your own body/eggs as healthy as you possibly can. That's all you can really do. Just be polite with friends who are expecting and keep your distance a bit if you need to.

I've been there OP. I actually couldn't continue on with my friendship as she was just too insensitive. She would say things about how she's obviously made to have children as it comes soo naturally to her and how great it was that she could choose when her children's birthdays would be. She knew I'd had one MC but I hadn't told her about the second one that year.

Take a step back if you need to, the feelings that go through your head are awful and I would wish them on anyone. If it helps, I ended up with a beautiful baby and hope you have yours on the way soon.

I’m sorry that you are going through this. It is really hard and I completely understand that you are pleased for them while also being sad . It’s a special kind of sad and I still feel it all the time too.

on the question of how to cope, I don’t know if this is the right thing, but I have had to withdraw a little from a certain situation. I see these particular people on my own terms for short bursts and always have an escape plan in case I am finding it unbearable. For me, it doesn’t help that all they talk about is babies. I have other very fertile friends who are able to talk about their babies and other topics and I find these people easier to spend time with.

the sadness while alone, I deal with through distraction and trying to make plans with my other friends without children (an ever shrinking group).

One of my best friends got pregnant with her second recently. We’ve been trying for over 10yrs and she’s aware of that. She doesn’t know we finally got pregnant naturally but sadly I lost the baby a few months back. When I say she’s one of my best friends it’s because my 2 best friends and me are a trio. My other friend is a midwife and she knew I was pregnant before my DH 😂 we got together in November for my birthday and my friend who knew called me and said that she thought it best to tell me that other friend was pregnant, so I could cry, be upset and get it out my system for both our sakes. Pregnant friend didn’t say a word so nor did I (didn’t want her thinking friend had burst her bubble but giving me the heads up was really appreciated) I saw my friends at Christmas and she told me. It was heartbreaking to be honest. She told
me and just sobbed her heart out whilst hugging me saying sorry. Her crying is what made me cry. The fact one of my best friends was apologising for her pregnancy, when they struggled to have their first destroyed me, because she was sad for me.
yes it did hurt, but I’m honestly so happy for them. Why should my lack of conception make her feel bad for telling me something so wonderful for them. But I get it. It hurts, it sucks and your heart breaks a tiny bit each time.

I’m sorry you’re going through this @Firsttime2023 I’ve been TTC my first for 18 months and had 2 miscarriages in that time, and have been struggling to get pregnant again. I’ve had a few friends & a family member get pregnant in this time. It doesn’t get easier, and the only way I can cope is to withdraw a bit. If I think about it too much I feel really low, and seeing baby bumps makes me feel so sad for myself. So I try block it out my mind & limit contact. I feel bad about it, but it’s the only way to protect myself

I can't tell you how to cope because I never coped. When my sister in law and brother told me they were pregnant I burst into tears, everytime I saw a pregnant person it felt like a stab in the heart.
I'm 51 now and been through menopause, told a young colleague told me she was pregnant and it's the first time I felt like it didn't hurt.

@Firsttime2023 sending lots of love your way. Its shit but you are totally not alone.
Took us 19 months with #1 in that time the world and its dog got pregnant - loads of friends and family members - I found it to be massively frustrating and upsetting.
We are now TTC#2 and the same is happening again with the people from before having their 2nd children - for me the unknown is a killer.

I've only confided in a few people each time - just my style I prefer to hide away my feelings but figure that isn't for everyone. I managed by keeping as busy as possible - excercise classes, training for work, trips abroad, house renovations 'life is what happens when you're busy making over plans' and I eventually got pregnant.

This time round I'm treating myself to something nice for each month we fail to conceive - coffee with a friend/new outfit etc etc

Good luck!xx

Totally empathise OP. I think it helps if close friends know you’re trying as you’d hope they’d be more sensitive about announcements, and as another poster said - if they are insensitive, are they someone to have around?
I feel like I missed the right “round” of my friends having babies, but now a few of my closest are trying to have their first or thinking of second. So I’m really hoping I’ll be with them this time, but there is a sense of dread that it just won’t happen for me and I’ll watch it happen again. It’s tough, sending you ❤️