TTC, loss and jealousy.

[marmiteontoastx]

I need help today.

I had a pregnancy loss in November and have been trying to conceive since.

My friend fell pregnant in December and I have found it very difficult to process what I'm feeling.

She just had an early scan after worrying about something and has heard the heartbeat and seen everything is fine. I'm so relieved for her but it has made me feel worse.

It feels like she's living my past life and I'm grieving it still. She has children already and I have none.

I'm 7dpo today, and I'm really hoping this will be my month. If it's not then I need to find a way to help myself process the grief I will feel when AF arrives.

I feel like a horrible friend for feeling this way but she can never know how I truly feel. Logic tells me my time will come, but I am mid-thirties with no immediate family on my side and sometimes it feels so very lonely.

I'm trying so hard to build my own family with my husband but life keeps pulling me away from the dream?

It’s very normal to feel how you feel. It’s such a tough thing to go through so of course it’s hard to watch someone else get what you want.

What I will say is try and shift your mindset. Can I assume this is your first MC? If it’s the first, life doesn’t “keep” pulling you away from the dream.

It also may help to look at things this way - usually an early MC is due to the cells/chromosomes not forming correctly so it’s your body’s way of preventing heartache later on down the line. It will happen for you. My friend had three MC and an ectopic. She finally has her baby girl.

Wishing you the best of luck on your journey

@Lulu89x thank you <3 it was, but my husband and I have had other struggles separate to the pregnancy (not with each other, with external things that keep seeming to go wrong).

I really appreciate your response. I know my time will come but I just worry that now she's pregnant things will end up being accidentally compared. What if she has a smooth pregnancy and birth and perfectly healthy child and I fall pregnant and things are hard and by baby has abnormalities? What if something even worse happens?

I'm full of what-ifs and I'm really finding it hard to be kind to myself.

I know it sounds cliche but try your very best to not worry the what ifs and maybes. Cross that bridge once you get there. Even with “easy” and good pregnancies, people have their own battles. The worrying never ends I’m afraid! All you can do now is try and shift your focus on things that you and your OH can do to improve your chances of having a healthy pregnancy.

Little things like stopping smoking, drinking, limiting caffeine intake etc. All you can do is try.

By the way, November was barely two months ago so don’t be so hard on yourself x

@Lulu89x thank you! It's not cliche at all. It's nice to hear some reality since I don't really have many people to confide in other than my husband and I don't like to bog him down every time I feel sad.

You're completely right, we'll keep trying and hopefully get there soon.

Already don't drink and switched to decaf months before my last pregnancy just in case, so at least I have that!

Just wanted to say how you feel is completely normal & acknowledging how you feel is a great start. I have dealt with something recently that has given me a similar feeling & the best advice I was given was “comparison is the thief of joy”.

Not sure if it’ll be the same for you but I “hid” any social media profiles for this person so I didn’t see posts or stories & even went as far as deleting the apps for a short space of time to focus on myself and not keep looking.

Sending love & baby dust ❤️

It's tough, really tough, I took 16 months to TTC DD1 (the first 10 months were annovulatory due to thyroid issues) and I remember I found out that the very day I was having an internal scan as part of my infertility investigations my best friend was having her 12 week scan. But 5 months later I finally got my own BFP. I remember being so worried about telling my SIL, who had been suffering from recurring MC, but when we went to tell my MIL, it turned out SIL was also pregnant again and due a few days before me. I was also really worried about telling my other best friend who had been struggling with TTC for years, but amazingly she'd just had her first IVF, which was successful. Purely anecdotal I know, but me, my SIL and friend all probably felt this shit at points, but things managed to work themselves out. Good luck.

And you need to keep reminding yourself that what happens with other people is completely independent of what is happening/ will happen with you. That will hopefully help you feel a better friend, be genuinely happy for them and make the right noises (but also allow yourself to feel the completely justifiably sadness that accompanies other's pregnancy announcements).

I found out I was pregnant in March 2022, with a surprise baby that would have been born in the November, but I had an early miscarriage under a week later. The anniversary of the due date came and went. The following November I had a CP which felt terrible timing. This November still nothing doing, then a week after AF arrived, my best friend messaged me in bits because she'd just found out she was pregnant, but was in no position to keep it, so had to arrange a termination. It was so hard being a supportive friend, and completely felt like life was properly taking the piss, but it was what it was, and I don't blame my friend one nanosecond for her decision. Life has a shit sense of humour sometimes. But you have every chance of it being your turn sometime soon.

My DD who I wrote about in my first post above has Down's syndrome. She's now 9 and an absolute star. I don't begrudge my SIL or friends their "perfectly healthy" children and they're all fab with my DD, who is actually also perfectly healthy, despite the extra chromosome. What will be will be...

@curliegirlie thank you so much for your thoughtful comments <3 I really appreciate everything you've said, and I know you are completely right. It really helps to hear people's stories, thank you for taking the time to tell me yours. You sound like a really strong woman and the sort of person I really wish I had around me right now!