TTC stress and upset- AIBU to jump to IVF?

[Suburbandreams]

Hi all,

I’ve been ttc for well over a year now. We have had tests (all the basics) and I’ve fallen pregnant twice- once in December 2023 (chemical) and again in July 2024 (6weeks 6 days miscarriage). I’ve had significant stress and a very close bereavement so I can’t help but feel that contributed but who knows, I have no answers.

I had a fertility appointment privately and the doctor was quite dismissive, said I have no problem falling pregnant and we just “rolled the twice unluckily” on those occasions. She did end up prescribing letrozole in case my ovaries were “lazy” and I’m now on my second cycle of 5mg. Her thought process was that this might help double our chances.

We are both getting so down with this process. It’s tearing us apart. Every month is another disappointment; my DH now doesn’t get his hopes up and doesn’t even ask me. He was starting to get affected by the pressure to perform over those critical days, this has led to some difficult moments. I’m taking letrozole to boost our chances but last month we missed a critical day. I know you only need one sperm but why is it so hard?! It’s getting in between us and the journey is feeling incredibly lonely right now. We both desperately want this but it feels out of reach. I’m now cycle day 8 and dreading my fertile window. I’m having to act relaxed about it, if it happens ir happens but already I’m dreading having to try to get him in the mood over those critical days. It feels forced and desperate.

With all that said, would I be unreasonable to jump to IVF? I looked at kindIVF as it’s more affordable but the doctor seems to dismiss this. But I don’t think I can go through much more disappointment, it’s unbearable.

IVF is likely to be significantly more difficult to deal with mentally, does your doctor think your chances of success are higher with IVF? I doubt it’d be the fix you are expecting. Could you consider staying on the medication but taking a month off TTC to take the pressure off? Then you could make decisions with more of an open mind.

Hello,

Thank you for responding. I think at least with IVF there’s a plan, and less pressure on a few fertile days each month for my DH. I’m reliant on him obviously and with work and normal life stress, there’s times we can’t do it on the right days. Last month we managed to dtd a few days before ovulation but missed the critical time as he was too stressed.

I do think maybe taking a month off could help, but then I wonder am I medicating myself unnecessarily? I’m just so desperate it’s heartbreaking

It sounds like you could maybe do with a month or a few months break, and then some therapy especially for your husband. He should be asking about it all and fully involved, or it puts a heavy burden on you. As well as having to get him in the mood, who is getting you in the mood?! It sounds more like the pressure is a big issue at the moment, and as the other poster said, IVF won't necessarily fix that. I know some people try home insemination, which might remove some pressure for your husband?

Have a break. The pressure is too much.

Sending a lot of love your way.
We are in cycle 12 TTC #2 (#1 took 19 months) and its shit - every month is frustrating and upsetting.
TTC is frustrating - I would be reassured however that everything seems normal and that you have fallen pregnant twice.
I would also be reassured by the fact that you've already sought help, and I would place some trust in your consultant - they deal with cases like yours day in day out and whilst they may not get it right all the time - I would argue that they are best placed to give advice.

You sound as if you have quite a lot of stress going on - maybe some little changes might help - a holiday/mini break perhaps or something nice to look forward to.

Hi op. I can relate in that also experienced significant stress over the last year and close bereavement, and partner has been very stressed and so some months we’ve missed the window. I’m really trying to just be chill and relax as much as possible. I know stress affected my cycles. I’ve focused on what I can control - like what I eat, getting exercise, and focusing on our relationship instead. But I do feel scared that it isn’t happened but also that perhaps if we weren’t stressed and were having more regular sex then it might have happened already?

I did hear on a podcast with a fertility doctor that regular sex is important, not just in the fertile window, so every few days throughout the month rather than just making sure you do it within the fertile window. That’s just not achievable for us at the moment but I’m hoping if we can reduce some stress it might be

Can I ask how old you are?

In the nicest way, IVF is a lot harder emotionally than trying naturally, particularly when you've been able to get pregnant in that time. Personally, I would follow your doctors advice for another six months (again, all of this depends on your age, but as you didn't write it im assuming you aren't 35+), and do your best to reduce stress as much as possible (I know that's very difficult to do particularly when dealing with bereavement).

I always found it so trite when people said "try not to be stressed" or "try to reduce stress" when we were TTC naturally, but they were kind of right, because the stress of IVF, of not getting as many eggs as you hoped for, of not all of them fertilising, then attrition as they (hopefully) develop into blastocysts, then then (in my case) the devastation of repeated failed transfers, is actually a lot more stressful than it was when we were TTC after a year, and learning how to reduce stress is a must, by whatever means possible.

None of that is to say that TTC and it's not working isn't stressful, it's absolutely awful. It's soul crushing, and it duty sex is the absolute worst and makes you feel like you aren't close to your partner.

Long story short, unless you're mid thirties plus or have severe endo or some other factor that can cause sub-fertility, I would continue trying for a while longer before going to IVF.

I definitely think the pressure is too much and you should take a break and reconnect. There is no point going through all this just for your marriage to implode before you can conceive.

Just take the pressure off for a few months. Delete whichever apps you are using, hide the OPKs. Arrange a few days together doing something you enjoy, and eating and drinking whatever you want. Trust me, when baby arrives you will miss those days together as they become near on impossible for a long time.

IVF would be even more stressful and given how it’s affecting your relationship now IVF might be too much for you both at the moment. There is such thing as knowing too much of the science of conception and it can become all encompassing.

Also try some counselling. It’s sounds like the pressure is causing the communication to break down between you. You know he’s feeling intense pressure but you seem more focussed on your pursuit of a positive pregnancy test than stopping to check in with your husband who has clearly started to shut down. Having a baby is HARD and can cause all sorts of strains. You need to be going into parenthood as a team, not with one or both of you checked out.

@Suburbandreams I don't think you are unreasonable.

I agree with everyone else that you and your husband might benefit from taking a break and focusing on you as a couple again. I also agree that if you decide to move ahead with IVF, you need to both be on the same page and take it on as a team. He has to be on board and as involved as practical. This is not just your journey.

Having all of that said, I still don't think you are unreasonable. I'm also at a place in our journey where I just want the monthly struggle to be over. A friend recently told me infertility is running a marathon not a sprint, but I'm not convinced that it have to be. I know IVF will be extremely difficult, but I feel much more up for a sprint than for a this never never-ending rollercoaster marathon we are currently trying to run.

Have you considered home insemination? Been a life saver for us. Means we have sex when we actually want to have sex, on days we don't so much but need to we can home inseminate. Also means we can have sex in ways we want to - oral, hands etc and not HAVE to finish with PIV sex. We just have a pot handy for when the time comes and quickly grab it! Sounds like it might be just what you need to take the pressure off performing.

Didn't know this was a thing. How do you keep the sperm if not using on the same day? And do you know if it's possible to freeze at home and use later? Probably not 2w later which would be convenient for me 😅

@Mae2B

Use the semen straight away. If you store it in any way you risk giving yourself a serious infection, whether that's in the freezer or fridge or anything, and it wouldn't be effective anyway.

It would be nice if we could keep a store of it at home for the right times of the month though, would def take the pressure off!!

Yes it can't be saved it must be used straight away. So when we do this method during sex (of all kinds) we do it right away as soon as my partner finishes.

If we do it on days we have clashing shifts (I do lates he does days) then when he gets up he will sort himself out wake me up and I'll do an insemination then go back to sleep. Mildly inconvenient, but there are days in a row where I finish at 2am and he starts at 8am, so we don't have many options if that's our schedule over the three days before and after ovulation. Before we started doing this we tried waking him up in the middle of the night, or him waking me up for sex after I'd been asleep for 3 hours and it wasn't exactly getting either of us in the mood!

Lots of people in situations like mine, and many in situations like yours where a man may have performance anxiety. Not letting TTC ruin our sex life has been important to us. We enjoy a variety of sex and it's been frustrating to stick to PIV legs in the air at regimented times of the month. I think a lot of people feel like this when they TTC longer than a few months so don't worry.

OP, I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this. Your experience feels really familiar to me. I’ve had three miscarriages and now on a course of IVF but it was quite a journey to get to this point. I agree with others that you can and should be reassured by the fact you have been pregnant before and that your experience unfortunately is not abnormal. As others have said your age does make a difference here, I’m later 30s so the below may not apply to you in quite the same way. But in case this is helpful:

1. if you are really anxious and considering IVF, I recommend you first really understand what you’re dealing with. I’m not sure what tests you’ve had, but as you mentioned they are basic I would recommend you investigate further. The basics just don’t give you the full
   picture - I was falsely reassured by them! Get your partner’s sperm tested, properly with a DNA fragmentation test, and a recurrent miscarriage profile test. Yes it’s expensive but the only way of really knowing what’s going on. Then you can decide if IVF is the right path. It may not be necessary. Or, you might have an issue that needs addressing. The earlier you know all this the more time you have to prepare, address any health issues or get second consultations / research clinics etc. You shouldn’t consider IVF until you’ve done this anyway, and neither would any decent clinic. In my case… my partner’s sperm results were fine, one reading slightly borderline but the doctor said nothing to worry about and to crack on. 8 months later after another miscarriage I went to a much better fertility clinic, who immediately did a sperm fragmentation test which revealed almost zero chance of us conceiving naturally and that he had (addressable) issues. I hadn’t even heard of a DNA fragmentation test before that!

2. your mental health. I experienced trauma with my miscarriages that I failed to process properly. I ‘took a break’ but failed to really address my stress and anxiety, if you’ve had a bad year for other reasons too then I imagine there’s lots you need to process. I’m now doing therapy which has helped enormously. If you can and have the means, please do it. If not, try and speak to a friend and find a way to communicate your experience. Your partner will also be struggling and yes in a dream world would be your emotional rock here but I assume this is a new experience for him too. It’s really not easy on both partners. it’s a cliche but you have to be kind to yourself and exercise is also a huge help.

@mushroomushroom yeah it would deffo be great, like a little liquid nitrogen box that could stay plugged in so we could store it for weeks on end 😂 maybe the time will come for that but it will be too late for us probably!

Hi OP
Try a few months on the letrozole and read a book called 'it starts with the egg'.
Go for the IVF if/when you're ready, you don't have a problem getting pregnant but once you've made some embryos you might see what the issue was.
How old are you?

I’m so sorry @Suburbandreams i understand how you feel as I’ve been ttc for 3 and a half years. I feel like I live my life in 2 week cycles !
Weve had tests and no problems have been found. I’m currently on cycle 4 of ovulation induction so 🤞

We are going to do 6 cycles of the ovulation induction and if they don’t work then we will have a break then do IVF

Hi all,

Thanks so much for all your responses, advice and kindness.

To answer some questions, I’m 33, almost 34. We have had some private tests, scans etc but not DNA fragmentation, so that’s a great shout, thank you @DearMauveSloth Also, definitely agree about the mental health aspect. I think I’ve been needing something to look forward to and focus on and would benefit from some grief counselling. I get this through work so it’s something I’m going to commit to. It’s made the journey feel more “desperate”; I miscarried at 6 weeks the same time as the funeral so it all felt so raw and heavy.

@Terribletwoos Ive just popped into H&B to stock up on some “it starts with the egg” essentials, mainly ubinquinol. I did enjoy reading it and learning more about supplements, I’ve already upped my vitamin d as a result.

@Thewaitingseason i too feel like we live in the 2 week cycles, it’s either I’m tracking something or symptom spotting! I’ve set a timeframe in mind on the letrozole; this is my second cycle so will see what happens.

I’ve had a sit down with DH and explained my
feelings, he suggested taking a break and booking a holiday for us which sounds lovely. I keep trying to reassure myself that I’ve fallen pregnant and it will happen. In the meantime, it will make me feel better to build a savings pot for IVF. If we don’t use it, we won’t use it, but mentally I’ll feel in control of something!

Just jumping in here to say: do the DNA fragmentation and a testicular ultrasound asap as well if it doesn't look good. Lots of doctors will dismiss male factor but even if sperm analysis results initially look fine or borderline it can often be the reason for miscarriages/not conceiving. I was 33 when we started TTC (now 36), after our initial tests they said we were all fine, we were 'unexplained' and told IVF was the next step. Later we did DNA frag and went to a different private consultant who discovered my partner has a varicocele which can be treated. If we'd discovered this sooner we would have had a much better chance of getting pregnant naturally, and treatment will also improve IVF outcomes if you do eventually decide to pursue that route. But I also echo everything here on getting your mental health in the right place - that's the most important part.