Should I go for it or settle with my lot?

[ghoulettebae]

Firstly thank you in advance if you read all the below!

I would love some honest feedback on my situation. I’m 45 and have an 6 year old son. I’m not with his father as it was a very abusive relationship and now father has limited contact through contact centre (another story for another day).

I have remarried a lovely man, who I thought was on the same page as me about having another child (he has 2 of his own through IVF as his ex wife couldn’t concieve naturally).

We have tried naturally for 4 years and I’ve had 2 miscarriages, the last one putting me in hospital. I broached the idea of donor egg ivf as it’s likely that my eggs just aren’t up to scratch at my age and he’s absolutely shut down and is not willing to have any sort of medical support to have one and is now adamant he doesn’t want another child.

I feel heartbroken and so torn. I let it go now for nearly a year but it’s just there in the back of my mind and I’m so worried if I don’t have another child I will wake up one day and hate him for taking that opportunity away from me.

His two have each other and are super close knit. My one just is on his own with a horrible dad. My heart hurts as even though he has his step siblings it’s not the same for him. I have a lot of trauma (that I have worked through with therapy) around the birth of my son due to his father, and I have this silly idea that I just want to have a child and give birth on my terms as I didn’t get that before (he was very controlling and wouldn’t let me have any one but him with me etc).

So as time is ticking away my brain is hyper focussing more and more on the missing child in my life. I’m not getting any younger and every year gone is a year less with a potential child.

So now… do I tell my husband that this is a deal breaker for me and face the possibility he will either say no and we go our separate ways or agree and then resent me forever? (He’s adamant he doesn’t want another now). Or do I just stay quiet and grieve the second baby I haven’t now got and focus on the child that I do have.

I find myself googling 3 bedroom houses, donor ivf clinics and looking into life as a single mum on a regular basis. But I also know sometimes I can get fixated on things and maybe I should be happy with my lot and not rock the boat.

Honestly, only you will know!

It's horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you. Is a hypothetical future child worth upsetting what you have now?

The trauma you have around your first child's birth likely can't be undone / redone by having a lovely future birth - I understand your past abusive relationship influencing this, but a do-over with another birth is probably not the answer.

You can definitely tell your husband it's a dealbreaker, but realistically your only option is to leave if you want another. Going the donor egg route whilst still married to someone who definitely doesn't want another will just lead to a future break up imo.

@ghoulettebae you've started the post by saying your husband is a lovely man.
This lovely man sounds like someone who at best might be willing to discuss options or at worst someone who at least could give you good reasons not to go ahead.

I don't think this is a dealbreaker situation - whilst you want to give your child a 'sibling' a safe and happy home must come first, also you are a family unit meaning that he has siblings already, maybe not blood/full ones but we live in a world where 'sibling' is open to definition and perhaps the definition is old fashioned for today.

By all means share and discuss but your husband sounds like a good one! Good luck x

You're 45. The ship has sailed. I can well understand why your husband does not want to go through IVF again. Please focus on the child you have and your stepchildren and get some counselling if you think it would help.

It's not really fair to blame your husband or to suggest he's not on the same page as you re trying for another child - he has tried to have a child with you naturally for 4 years.

No one is to blame - you (as a couple) are infertile.

Deciding to go down the IVF route, particularly when it involves donor material, is a very different conversation to agreeing to try for a baby naturally. Your resentment is misplaced.

I had DS2 at 40, he is 5 and the thought, physically, of going through another pregnancy and birth (never mind IVF) in the next few years (I am 45) is just awful.

I had straightforward pregnancies and births, recovered pretty quickly, had quite easy babies and have an incredibly supportive DH who is a lovely dad and husband and PIL who were 10 minutes away and a huge support to us. But I just could not go through all of the pressure again at 45. Have you thought about how hard that would be on you physically, mentally and emotionally - especially doing it alone?

Being an only child is a mixed blessing- you get all the love and attention, your parent(s) are devoted to you (mine were, you sound like you are). Only children are often good friend-makers- because they have to be. But you don't have siblings. I still think I would have loved to have siblings but I know so many people who don't get on with or even see theirs that I wonder now if it is such a big thing.

My parents were in their mid-40s when I was born - they had been happily married for a long time (about 19 years) and wanted children but it had just never happened. I was such a surprise and they were delighted. I had a lovely childhood. But I was very aware of their age and scared they would die and leave me. They were lovely parents but 15 years older, at least, than all my friends. My dad died when I was in my late 20s and my mam when I was 34 .

Many people do have children later now but it's definitely tougher the older you are. I had DS1 at 35, DD at 37 and DS2 at 40. DS2 has exhausted me at times and he's by no means difficult. That's in a house where we are very comfortably off, I was a SAHM, had lots of support from DH and PIL and didn't work at all until DS2 was 2 and then worked part-time often from home, and all 3 went to nursery at least part-time.

Just a point of view to consider.

You have to do what you feel is right for you in your life.

"I have this silly idea that I just want to have a child and give birth on my terms"

Well- none of us at any age can decide to give birth on our own terms. Hospitals and midwives now give as much control to the mother as possible but ultimately it's all on Nature's terms and whilst amazing and all powerful, she has zero concept of fairness and could be absolutely brutal. Nature isn't extra kind to older people in the last chance saloon either, rather the reverse.

Consider all the possibilities of how things could go and how you would handle it if you did conceive. If you miscarried again. If bad luck plus increased paternal age meant that your child had a chromosomal abnormality. Would you terminate and live with that decision? Or not, and live with that decision. If bad luck plus increased paternal age caused the child to be, for example , severely autistic and your son ended up his sibling's carer.

If your son got what you imagine will be the marvellous gift of a sibling and confidante, but this turns out not to be his dream scenario and he resents days out at pram or toddler speed over pram and toddler terrain when he is late primary age. Or if they don't get on in adulthood, or if he drifts further away from you when he goes to uni at 18 and you're still happy familes for years with your partner and the sibling to which he has no genetic link.

Just wondering if you have an update on the situation. For what it’s worth, my vote was to leave your sourpuss husband because life is too short and think of the kid. The man is replaceable.