TTC: Depressed, confused, scared

[ttconeyron]

Hi. I'm not sure where and who to go to but I am starting to feel quite depressed lately.

I'm 39, DH 38. We've been TTC for 2 years now and have been through the fertility department (NHS), all bloods normal, hyfosy normal. I am having regular periods (27 day cycle), taking proceive religiously. Before, I was taking pregnacare and as soon as I did, I did notice my period wasn't regular, sometimes 24, 25 or 26 day cycles. I switched to proceive after recommendation by a friend.

I am trying to figure out where to go privately for AMH and to discuss IVF. We are very open to adoption, but we want to try the IVF route first.

I am feeling down because every time my period comes, I feel massively disappointed, and very sorry for myself. I wish I could stop feeling like this but I don't know how to control it or ease it. I am eating healthily, trying my best to stay fit, sleep well. I do drink decaf tea every day which I am thinking I should cut out (this will be hard as I have been cutting out a lot from my life to stay as healthy as possible). I am a bit stressed at work, but in the process of moving to a less stress full position but that won't happen for a few more months.

we did move recently to a new house which needs a lot of work, and this has been taken a bit of toll on me. It is a medium sized house we have bought for the family we hope to have. It pains me to see empty rooms and it's just the two of us. I bought it also because we were sick of renting and this seemed like a good financial decision. I do love my house, but every month makes me feel, this house will not be filled with kids and I get really depressed.

I also cant help but compare myself to some cousins I absolutely hate. They made mine and my mum's life hell (it is a long story and just intense bullying involved). I feel angry they have children and have what seems like happy families, while i have struggled a lot with finances since I was a kid (also a long story with an unreliable father).

I just feel like i can't focus on positives. My DH is feeling sad too, but very hopeful we will conceive soon, and he is very supportive. We have a good relationship. My mum is also very supportive too. I just feel so lost and quite exhausted from work (my job feels very stressful and i hate it), home reno, TTC and just a general "watching finances" era with house related things.

I'm not sure how to stop feeling like this. I want it to stop and i want to just feel like I have energy and can get on with finding IVF. I am struggling to read anything, absorbing information and gnerally feeling burnout.

I am sad because i am starting to think this won't happen for us. I just feel like what do I do now? I have always wanted to be a mother and still not. Im sorry for this thread if it is just me whining, but I just need to let it all out and feel so ashamed to tell anyone any of this because I am afraid they will judge me for not trying years earlier. I already judge myself and starting to hate myself enough.

thank you for reading.

Hi @ttconeyron, it's a horrible, draining and frustrating process I know. It's not huge comfort but it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Are you also tracking properly with BBT and OPKs so you know what your cycle's doing?

I am also a long term TTC-er, currently on Cycle 35 (!!), but am lucky enough to have 2 DDs, who took 10 cycles (over 16 months), and 12 cycles respectively.

I wish you so much luck. It's got to be our turn sooner or later?!

In terms of coping mechanisms, the only thing I can think of is try to live life as normally as possible in the mean time, book those holidays and gigs you want to go to, don't get too concerned about having the odd night out where you're not religiously watching what you're eating and drinking. I'm sure you know all this already, being 2 years in, but you can't live through constant what ifs.

Big hugs OP. I don’t know how to make the feelings go away, I think you can’t. What you’re feeling is normal, it’s grief. Grieving the natural conception not happening to you like it does to most others. I don’t know anyone who is / has been in your position and not felt the burnout, anxiety, envy, depression and dread of it not happening. You need support! There are FB infertility support groups; there is therapy (best to go for someone experienced with infertility/childlessness), especially if you don’t feel able to share your feelings fully with people around you. You can’t do this alone, whatever this journey takes you next. x

thank you @curliegirlie for taking the time to comment and leaving such kind words. I am so happy to read about you taking several cycles before having your two DD. That is amazing! I really hope we get to say this month will be the one!

I feel like 39 isn't even that "old" right? I only turned 39 in September, so I just feel like I've bee trying since i was 37... and still nothing. I feel so confused and sad.

I'm not sure how live "fully" right now. I don't have much career ambition, and I also feel like what is the point in anything. I have so badly wanted a family and feel so ready for this that everything else feels... unfulfilling. For example, I bought my house which I am so grateful to be in this position finally and can afford it. But, I look around and think why am I here when I don';t have children. Why did I work so hard in my career only to find I have no children to spend it on. They are such intrusive thoughts and really getting me down.

I will try to see friends next weekend. They are wonderful, but they also have children. I adore them. I don't feel sad seeing them or anything, they are a good happy distraction... but when I return home, I feel so empty.

@SiberFox thank you for make me feel more "normal" about how I am feeling. You're right, it's like I'm grieving. And it's never-ending. Will this end? Will I ever get pregnant and have my own child. I just feel so empty when I think that this might not happen. How do I cope? I don't know how to handle this. I think therapy would be a good idea, you're right. thank you for mentioning it. I'll see what I can find, although, it does sound expensive. I definitely need support with this. I'll try facebook. I didn't think of that before. I don't really use it. I also need some help and advice about where to go for IVF. I will start this journey now, which I am dreading.

Hang in there OP. It took us 2 years to conceive our first. I got letters through for IVF and bam pregnant. I had mentally accepted it might not happen. The month before I found out I cried on holiday when my period arrived as it was a physical reminder of not being pregnant yet my heart was breaking.

Life finds a way and miracles happen every day. so many women get pregnant against sometimes terrible odds (yours sound good). This journey is not easy but it’s worth it - you are only ever one month away for your BFP. It sounds like you’ve got lots of things going in your favour so it’s just a matter of time , might just take you a bit longer which happens often. Good luck and baby dust xx

thank you so much @Starry4321 * *I am so happy to read you finally conceived... it does feel like a miracle. I appreciate your words, it means a lot. I hope the baby dust will work it's magic soon

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this @ttconeyron I feel very similar so I understand. I am struggling to pull myself out this hole of sadness. I’ve been TTC for 16 months & had 2 losses in that time. My period arrived yet again the other week & I felt so so low for the duration. I feel like I am just surviving and not really living if that makes sense. Sending a hug xx

Hi @ttconeyron I just wanted to send you support, it feels so lonely and isolating, and it’s so hard not to spiral into negative thoughts. I have been TTC my first for about 14 months, with a MMC in June, which I found absolutely devastating. I decided to go down the private IVF route recently because I found it too hard waiting and I was anxious about my age - it’s a really personal decision, and only you can decide what is right for you. I did my first IVF cycle last month - I found it helpful feeling like I was taking action and doing something different from before. It was fine physically but hard emotionally - waiting for results at each stage is incredibly nerve wracking. We did a freeze all cycle with PGS testing and am currently waiting on those results. I am also having therapy and acupuncture to help with the anxiety and grief - it’s absolutely gruelling going through all of this. Sending you hugs, you are not alone xx

hi @Figtree11 I'm so sorry to read about your two losses. Sending you a hug. I know and feel what you mean by feeling like it is a hole of sadness. I feel like I am getting swallowed up in it. I had felt sadness before and loneliness in my life, but nothing like this. The last few days I have been trying deep breath exercises and gratitude journal. I hate doing it, If I am honest. But, it had helped a little where I try to think about how fortunate I am to have other things. I am trying to stay distracted too, for example, I followed some recipes today just to think about something else for a little while. I don't think all of these things will fill the void, but I guess I have to try. I don't know when I will face the idea that this might not happen for me. I don't knw how to process that yet. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

thank you @TheUmberPanda for sharing. I am hoping and sending you positive wishes and baby dust as you take the IVF journey. I am sorry you had MMC and just want to give you a tight and long hug right now. I had a MC many years ago (when we weren't even TTC) and we were so happy with the news of pregnancy, but we lost our baby at week 6. I wasn't very far along but I was absolutely devastated and it didn't help that I experienced the worse pain of my life during the MC. I think it traumatised me. How are you feeling now? I hope you have lots of support.

May I ask where you are doing IVF? I really have no one in my inner circle that has gone through this so have no idea where to go and which clinic to trust. I think we will start this journey this month and I feel so... anxious.

Hello, I'm in a similar situation. I'm also 39, I turned 39 in June, and I have been ttc since January. I got pregnant, but i had a very early chemical pregnancy 2 cycles ago. I'm currently going through fertility tests. The only test left to do is the day 21 progesterone. Everything has come back normal. I'm healthy, I have a healthy weight, and I have no illnesses. I don't smoke, and I stopped drinking alcohol completely a few months ago. I take all sorts of vitamins religiously, and I track my ovulation.I'm losing hope every month that goes by. I'm very aware that I'm running out of time and that my chances will keep decreasing massively the closer I get to 40. It's simply depressing. My partner is 40. He had kids in his early 20s with his previous partner. We have been together for 12 years. Where I live, I don't qualify for ivf through the NHS because he has kids... so I'm currently researching ivf clinics, prices, etc, and evaluating my options. I'm also looking at going privately for a hycosy test as they haven't offered me one so far in the NHS.

I wish you a good look. I know how hard it is to want something to happen so badly and how frustrating and devastating it is to feel how your vision of the future that you dream of becomes more and more unreachable as the months go by.

I don't really have any advice to make it better other than trying to rely on the people you have in your life who care about you and support you. I'm struggling, too... it gets worse every month.

@ttconeyron thanks for your kind message, and so sorry to hear you had a MC too, however early it is the loss is still so profound and traumatic. Sending you a big hug back. It was agony in the months afterwards for me, but I think I’m learning to live with it now, and it’s been helpful talking to people who’ve experienced something similar. I think I’ll always carry the grief with me, it’s always there in the background of my mind.

We’re doing IVF with Dr Gudi at Fertility Plus in London. He’s a very kind and calming doctor who I really trust, and the clinic is great, quite small and personalised - but the price is huge (we’d been saving for a house and we’re now using those savings for IVF). Fertility Plus use the lab at Care Fertility in London - they’re a much bigger clinic who offer IVF packages, which are more affordable. Care have also been excellent, so if we get to the point where we can no longer afford Fertility Plus, I think we’d go to Care directly because they offer multi-cycle and refund packages. Apparently Access Fertility financing can also really help with costs.

Hi @Rain11 so sorry you’re going through this too. It’s so heartbreaking feeling like you’re doing everything you can and it’s still not happening yet, and it’s impossible not to become terrified of your age. I really hope you have some positive news soon, and you’re getting lots of support on your journey

hi @Rain11 i felt every word you wrote. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are feeling better and supported by your loved ones. I too keep feeling like time is running out, and feel really down that I am still not pregnant when some women my age are having their third child. It is just... so surreal that my life is so different from theirs. I want to offer you a virtual hug!

Regarding a hycosy: I had a hyfosy. It was through the nhs and the fertility clinic sent me for it. Has your GP referred you yet? If not, it is worth asking them to, and the clinic will arrange an initial call with you (which is what happened with me). Basically, they had all my blood test results and mentsrual cycle pattern and told me that nothing seemed abnormal and that it's likely my age. They then offered me the hyfosy which I had. But overall, they said there was nothing they can do for me on the nHS. I am due a followup call with the fertility clinic in Jan - I am not sure what the point of the call is.

Currently, I am looking into IVF. It feel so overwhelming and finding a clinic to trust. thank you @TheUmberPanda for your help with this - I will look into the clinics you mentioned. I just hope I can afford at least one cycle. That's what we will try. I don't know what to expect with the hormones and things like that - how often do you take them and have you experienced any symptoms? Btw, I am glad you are feeling a lot better after your MC - I'm glad you have had people to talk to x

Hi @ttconeyron I hope your research into clinics is going well. I spent ages trawling their websites, reviews and HFEA data but eventually just went with the one that felt right instinctively. You can arrange some initial consultations to help work out who you like (although this typically costs around £200-300). Access Fertility offers affordable packages at a range of different clinics. The hormones during the stimulation phase in preparation for the egg collection (EC) was absolutely fine for me - all the oestrogen actually made me feel quite cheery, and the injections were not nearly as scary as I thought. I did have a massive crash about a week after the EC and felt pretty low again. Overall, the whole thing has been physically much more manageable than expected - the difficulty part is definitely more psychological with all the anxiety and uncertainty at each stage and lots of waiting, and the financial pressure. But for me, it has actually been much better pressing ahead with IVF than waiting any longer, which I was finding agony. Good luck with your journey, I hope you are getting lots of support too xx

Hello,

I just wanted to offer a perspective as someone who settled with my now husband later in life. We met when I was 36, and until then I was happily single most of my adult life. I had unimportant boyfriends now and again but nothing serious.

When I was younger I always had a negative view of my future life as a single person. I imagined myself lonely and unfulfilled. Then I happened to meet a few single women in their 40s who I respected and adored. They had excitement and families of different kinds and joy and challenge. Some wanted kids but it just never happened for them. It didn't make me stop wanting a future husband and kids, but it did help me to envision what a life without those things would be. I became quite content with either possible future.

I'm so glad I met my husband, and definitely want children. But when I get downhearted, I re-invest in the life I sort of assumed I'd have. I make sure I'm not just nesting for the future, and I spend time on interests and friendships, build my life. I proactively imagine what 60 year old child free me might look like, in a positive way. It is OK, even if it's not option number one for me.

Now I'm TTC aged 39 and obviously the cycles are hard as they pass by but I do feel grateful for that long experience. Because I never had a partner, I adjusted to a different, positive idea of my future. Now, I sometimes lose track of that but I consciously spend time thinking about my multiple possible futures, all positive.

Maybe this won't help everyone. But I find it helpful. Hugs and care xxx